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It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise


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#1 Guest__*

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Posted 10 May 2001 - 03:01 PM

1. It was really my fault because ____he was my brother, and he was 3 years younger than me.  The other one was a freshman and I was a junior. ________________________________
2. It was really my fault because ____I never told________________________________
3. It was really my fault because ___I kept going back to Garrett_________________________________
4. It was really my fault because __I thought that it would take away all the pain__________________________________
5. It was really my fault because __I kind of liked it__________________________________
6. It was really my fault because ____I never screamed________________________________

1. It wasn't my fault because  _even though they were younger, they were much stronger than I was.  I tried everything I could___________________________________
2. It wasn't my fault because  I tried to tell.  My dad and mom didn't do anything so I didn't see any use of telling and just stayed quiet____________________________________
3. It wasn't my fault because  I did keep going back to him, but he had a strange power over me and coerced me to sit by him.  He had done it 5 times before and I couldn't see any other way and that that's not all I was good for at the time___________________________________
4. It wasn't my fault because  I had just survived 3 years of abuse with my brother.  I was still scared and didn't know what to do.  All I wanted is love and for everything to go away.  I did make a bad mistake, but that's all I'm guilty of- just wanting love.____________________________________
5. It wasn't my fault because  _I did kind of like it, but that was my body's natural response.  There's nothing I could have done about that___________________________________
6. It wasn't my fault because  _I didn't scream because I was in shock at the time.  I did say no and I did pull his arms away.  I did all I was mentally able to do at the time___________________________________



#2 Guest__*

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Posted 20 May 2001 - 03:26 PM

The SA

It was really my fault because I didn't stop him
It was really my fault because I was bad
It was really my fault because I didn't tell anyone
It was really my fault becase my body reacted to it
It was really my fault because I was weak
It was really my because he was my brother and I must of asked for it in someway...he would never do those things unless i wanted it.

It wasn't my fault because i was only 8yrs old
It wasn't my fault because Ididn't like it
It wasn't my fault because I was scared
It wasn't my fault...... Have to keep working on that


The R*pe

It was my fault because He was 20 and i was 16 i shouldn't have been dating him
It was my fault because I was fooling around with him
It was my fault because I didn't stop him
It was my fault because I was scared
It was my fault because I was a coward
it was my fault because I allowed it to happen

It wasn't my fault because I didn't want to
It wasn't my fault because I tried to say no but no words would come out I just froze
It wasn't my fault becase he was to strong
it wasn't my fault that I trusted him
It wasn't my fault .....still working on it

Thanks for the exercise


#3 Guest__*

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Posted 05 September 2001 - 06:22 PM

(((((hugs))))) Thought id try this exercise, bare with me. =)


1. It was really my fault because: I knew he was agressive by nature so i should have known.
2. It was really my fault because:I flirted constantly with him wks and mths before hand. ____________________________________
3. It was really my fault because : I was drunk and high.____________________________________
4. It was really my fault because : I initiated the sex.____________________________________
5. It was really my fault because : I barely said no, like whispered it so maybe he didnt hear me?____________________________________
6. It was really my fault because: He was drunk too i could have pushed him or hit him to get him off me. ____________________________________


1. It wasn't my fault because: He knew i had never had sex before and was suppose to be my friend.  ____________________________________
2. It wasn't my fault because : I couldnt get out of the car if i tried, he had those child proof locks on and mine were locked. ____________________________________
3. It wasn't my fault because :I was too drunk and too high to make any real decent decisions. ____________________________________
4. It wasn't my fault because : Noone likes to bleed,to have their head slammed against things, he should have known. ____________________________________
5. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________
6. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________


Sorry, i could only get out 4 of the 6 not my faults, im still lost on a few even if i know somewhere inside me that im sooooo not to blame. Anyways...((((hugs))))


Donna =)


#4 Guest__*

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Posted 07 January 2002 - 12:13 AM

It was my fault because....

1. It was really my fault because
the first person I went with. the others because I opened the door and let them come into the house.

2. It was really my fault because
the first one I was stupid enough to go home with the guy I didn't even know him. the others because I believed their lies and let them come in.

3. It was really my fault because
I felt I deserved it for being stupid enough to trust him, and I felt like the others I deserved because I was being punished

4. It was really my fault because
everyone who found out about it made fun of me or told me I got what I deserved. sad.png

It wasn't my fault because...

1. It wasn't my fault because
I went with the guy first because I thought he was going to help me not hurt me.

2. It wasn't my fault because
I let the others in not knowing they were going to do what they did

HollyAnn
 



#5 Guest__*

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Posted 06 October 2002 - 01:33 PM

Thanks Renata.  I'm so glad I found you guys.

#6 WeirdOne7

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Posted 06 January 2003 - 03:05 AM

I'll try my hand at this. Hopefully I'll start to believe the "it's not my fault" part VERY soon.

1. It was really my fault because I left the door unlocked
2. It was really my fault because I said yes when he told me to pull my pants down.
3. I didn't recognize it as sexual abuse until 14 years later, last year. I've kept it in the back of my head for years.
4. I don't feel anger or anything towards my abuser.

1. It wasn't my fault because I was 4. I hadn't learned behaviors about locking doors yet (I guess).
2. It wasn't my fault because I didn't know there was any real danger in the phrase "pull your pants down." And he didn't give me a choice.
3. It wasn't my fault because I kept it in the back of my mind because I couldn't start to deal with it any earlier than I did.
4. It wasn't my fault because I don't feel any anger at my abuser because I'm just not at that stage of healing yet.

I hope I didn't sound stupid writing this.


#7 Guest_she breathes_*

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Posted 26 June 2003 - 01:46 AM

1. it was really my fault because i dressed provocativly.
2. it was really my fault because i flirted with him.
3. it was really my fault because i unlocked the door.
4. it was really my fault because i didn't go to my parents before the assault.
5. it was really my fault because i was too sexual.
6. it was really my fault because i had breasts and hips.

1. it wasn't my fault because my bathing suit didn't give him the right to put his tongue in my mouth.
2. it wasn't my fault because i was young and my flirting was my little way to rebel.
3. it wasn't my fault because i had no idea he was going to come into the bathroom.
4. it wasn't my fault because it was my parents responsibility to protect me and they knew about the emotional abuse.
5. it wasn't my fault because all twelve year olds are starting to be sexual that doesn't mean they deserve abuse.
6. it wasn't my fault because my developing body was not an invitation.


#8 Guest__*

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Posted 15 August 2003 - 11:51 AM

it was my fault because i never told.
it was my fault because  "there was just something about me"
it was my fault because i layed in his lap wanting him to rub my back.
it was my fault because i had an orgasm (once)
it was my fault because i went with him.
it was my fault because i didn't scream.
it was my fault because i didn't fight.
it was my fault that i didn't tell and someone else got hurt.

it wasn't my fault because i was scared.
it wasn't my fault because i was 8
it was my fault that someone else got hurt.


#9 Lis

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Posted 09 May 2001 - 10:02 PM

Hi everyone,

It seems like a lot of people on this board right now are having problems with shame and feeling like it was their fault. I thought I would share this exercise from <a href="http://www.amazon.co...8-2844533">"The Courage to Heal Workbook"</a> by Laura Davis, that helped me deal with my feelings that my rape was my fault. If you don't want to do the exercise, of course you don't have to, but I thought it might help us identify sources of shame and talk about it. Please be safe when doing exercises like these, because they can be triggering.

Lis

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LETTING GO OF SHAME

Before you can let go of shame, you have to recognize it, name it, and hold it out in the light of day. When you keep shame a secret, it gains power over you. Yet you may feel too ashamed to tell anyone why you think the abuse was your fault. Or maybe you've never taken the time to actually look at the reasons. But admitting shame is the first step to deflating its power.

The following exercise is in two parts. The first asks you to identify the reasons you blame yourself for the abuse; the second asks you to gather information to negate those reasons. Filling out the answers in the first section can bring up intense feelings of shame and self-hate. It's important that you counter those feelings by filling out the more positive affirmations in the second section. Try to complete both parts at once.

IDENTIFYING HIDDEN SHAME

Fill in the following sentences. Don't hesitate or censor your answers. Write down the first thing that comes into your mind. (Feel free to use any of the examples that pertain to you).

Examples:

A. It was really my fault because - I kept going back for more. I was the one who asked for a backrub.
B. It was really my fault because - I had an orgasm. I must have wanted it.
C. It was really my fault because - I never said no.
D. It was really my fault because - it was only my brother. And he was a year older than me.
E.  It was really my fault because - my father said I was a slut. He told me I wanted it.
F. (for men) It was really my fault because - I had an erection. It must have felt good to me.

1. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
2. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
3. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
4. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
5. It was really my fault because ____________________________________
6. It was really my fault because ____________________________________

REPLACING SHAME WITH REALITY

A good support person will readily tell you that abuse wasn't your fault. A great support person will tell you why it wasn't your fault. If you start with an intellectual understanding of why you weren't to blame, that understanding often begins to infiltrate and replace the false beliefs you carry. Your sense of shame is gradually alleviated and you begin to realize, in your deepest self, that you really weren't to blame.

Go back through "the reasons it was my fault" you just came up with. For each reason, write down a corresponding rebuttal (see other examples below). If you can't think of anything to write, talk to other survivors. Read The Courage to Heal. Read other books about healing from abuse. Ask your therapist to explain it to you. If you don't have a therapist, what do you think a good counselor would tell you? This is a research project. It is your job to come up with facts and information that contradict your reasons for blaming yourself.

When you've done your research, write the reasons down. Even if you don't believe them at first, write them down anyway. Putting the truth down on paper is the first step in replacing a false belief with a true one.

Examples:

A. It wasn't my fault because - children need attention and affection to survive. Sex with my grandfather was the only touching that was available to me. That's why I went back for more.
B. It wasn't my fault because - my body responded. My body did what it was supposed to do. It wasn't my fault.
C. It wasn't my fault because - I was never taught to say no. No one in my family ever taught me that it was okay to set boundaries or say no.
D. It wasn't my fault because - my brother was older and stronger than me. He had a lot more power in the family. I looked up to him and wanted to do anything to please him. When you're a young twelve and your brother is thirteen, one year is a big difference.
E. It wasn't my fault because - My dad was wrong. I was an innocent child. He called me a slut to justify his own sick behavior.
F. (for men) Penises are supposed to respond to touch. I had an erection because my abuser stimulated me sexually, not because I wanted to be abused.

1. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________
2. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________
3. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________
4. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________
5. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________
6. It wasn't my fault because  ____________________________________

(<a href="http://www.amazon.co...28-2844533">The Courage to Heal Workbook</a>. Laura Davis. pp 257-260)


#10 Lis

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Posted 10 May 2001 - 05:16 PM

Hi everyone,
  I'm glad that you think that this exercise was a good idea. If you'd like I can post other ones. You really should check out the workbook, it is very helpful.

:)

Lis


#11 Guest__*

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Posted 20 May 2001 - 07:32 AM

Wow. This looks like a great exercise. if you don't mind though I think I will come back later on and do it. But I wanted to say thank you for sharing this. it is good to see that it really is not your fault at all. We all were not to blame. None of us asked for this and none of us deserved it. it is good to see an exercise like this because it gets us to see just how it is not our faults. Thank you.

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Posted 22 October 2001 - 08:10 PM

It was my fault because i let him get me drunk

It was my fault becuase i didnt fight him off

IT was my fault because i initiated it

IT was my fault becuase i knew he was a bit "weird" and i knew he was proablby capable of it

It was my fault because i was considering doing it then changed my mind

Itwas my fault because i should of known he was planning to do it to me

It wasnt my fault becuase I was too drunk to make a normal decision about antying

It wasnt my fault becuase i know he knew i didnt want to do it.

it wasnt my fault because he put me in that situation becuase i went there to see my friend


I cant think of anymore, I know deep down somewhere itwasnt my fault buti dont know half the time
Bel


#13 Guest__*

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Posted 10 December 2001 - 04:24 PM

Great exercise! Please, do post the other ones! Okay, here I go.

It was my fault because I went with him into the garage
It was my fault because I didn't run away
It was my fault because I didn't fight
It was my fault because I was young and naive
It was my fault because I believed him when he said no one would believe me!
It was my fault because I was there

It's not my fault because I was a child
It's not my fault because he was older than me
It's not my fault because I didn't know it was wrong
It's not my fault because I didn't know NOT to trust him
It's not my fault because I was innocent
It's not my fault because he made me do it, he intimidated me!

Yikes, that's kinda liberating!


#14 Renata

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Posted 05 October 2002 - 06:43 PM

(((((((((((rosie)))))))))))

Good for you honey, for finding all those Not your faults.

Every one of those points is so right and I am so glad you had the opportunity to tell yourself so, clearly.

It did me a lot of good too.

(((((((((((((safe gentle hugs))))))))))

Renata


#15 Jessica

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Posted 22 April 2003 - 10:56 AM

I haven't been able to do this exercise yet...but I'm grateful to those of you who have.  I'm glad this thread is here, and I will keep coming back to it until I can gather up enough courage for it.  Thank you.


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