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It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise


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#76 Guest_reflection_*

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Posted 10 December 2003 - 11:25 AM

Hi y'all
Feel nervous about doing this but here goes:

1. It was my fault because I let him do the same thing to me twice.
2. It was my fault because I let him move into my flat when I didn't really know him at all
3. It was my fault because I thought he was really a lost soul in need of rescue
4. It was my fault because I didn't fight him off
5. It was my fault because I accepted this as what someone like him did
6. It was my fault because I had refused on both morrnings to dress in front of him which he insisted on.

*******
1. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT because I never asked to be treated like an animal by anyone.
2. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT because HE violated ME.
3. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT because he was (is) a very sick person.
4. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT because I was in shock when he initially dragged me into the bedroom across the floor by one arm.
5. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT because I didn't know what was happening - it all happened so quickly.
6. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT because he ...... don't know


I will give this more thought. Still feel numb. Saw Thpst for second time yesterday. Can't sleep, can't eat. Feel "restless, irritable and discontent". Love to everyone on this site. I really mean that from my heart
BIG HUGS
Reflection

:bee:


#77 justaskcinderella

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Posted 13 December 2003 - 02:11 AM

hey guys,

This is going to be tough so bear with me

1. It was really my fault because I slept in the same bed as him _
2. It was really my fault because I went back to him a wk after it happened
3. It was really my fault because I didn't scream out_He was a guest in my homeI thought he loved me
2. It wasn't my fault because  he threatened me with a syringehe threatened mehe was the one who  hurt meI said no____


Woahhh ok not liking the feelings stirred up by that.

- Nikki


#78 star9

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Posted 16 December 2003 - 11:24 AM

Hello everyone, i thank you for your comments...i don't feel so alone

~my fault because i let him in the house without first looking outside to see who it was
~my fault because i knew his friend was waiting in the car
~my fault because i had fooled around with him before
~my fault because i was always flirting with him
~my fault because i knew better than to get involved with an older guy--he was 21 i was 16
~my fault because i knew that he knew i wasn't going to tell anyone--didn't tell anyone until 5 years later
~my fault because i didn't fight back
~my fault because i felt that i deserved it...at the time i thought he wouldn't have done this if i wasn't so dumb

~not my fault because i said no, but i guess it wasn't firm enough
~not my fault because i couldn't read his mind
~not my fault because he was very manipulative
~not my fault because i got sucked into believing him when he said he couldn't help it because he was molested as a child

(same guy)
~my fault because i married him even after all the abuse
~my fault because i had tried a. sex with him before, so maybe he thought he didn't have to ask before he did it
~my fault because i didn't make him pull out, i just froze and let him finish
~my fault because i was his outlet
~my fault because i had a pattern of letting him abuse me, and since i didn't change the pattern i deserved anything he did to me
~my fault because i didn't communicate in any way that i was hurting inside

~not my fault because again, i couldn't read his mind

(different guy--2.5 yrs later)
~my fault because i was flirting with him
~my fault because i touched him first while we were in the hot tub
~my fault because i didn't lock the bathroom door when i was changing out of my swimsuit
~my fault because i froze
~my fault because apparently i need to learn a lesson
~my fault because i'm too nice
~my fault because i give off a vibe that says "i'm easy, i don't care about myself, i'll let you do anything to me and i won't tell"
~my fault because i was there, my friend was there, and i never told her
~my fault because i never told him how it made me feel

~not my fault because i couldn't read his mind
~not my fault because i didn't tell him to come in the bathroom with me

**~~It's hard for me to figure out how these things weren't my fault.  I think of all sorts of things i could have done differently.  But the one thing that helps me feel better about myself is realizing that these men are sick~~**


#79 LadyRose

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Posted 06 February 2004 - 01:32 AM

Thank you for posting this, I think it might help....

The first time:
It was really my fault because I must have done something to make him angry
It was really my fault because no one would believe it wasn't
It was really my fault because I never tried to convince anyone otherwise
It was really my fault because I must have been bad
It was really my fault because it cause my famliy to hate each other

It wasn't my fault because I was only 4
It wasn't my fault because I couldn't fight him off
It wasn't my fault because no 4 year old asks for that kind of attention
It wasn't my fault because I was placed into his care
It wasn't my fault because my mother trusted him with me

It wasn't my fault....

*tears*


#80 forgottenhowtofly

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Posted 09 February 2004 - 05:16 PM

Ok....I can do this

It really was my fault because I had an orgasam
It really was my fault because I didn't say no enough
It really was my fault because I said that I liked it
It really was my fault because I made him want me
It really was my fault because I didn't leave with friends
It really was my fault because I didn't fight hard enough


It really wasn't my fault because...because my body  
    responded naturally though unwanted
It really wasn't my fault because...I said no once that's
    enough right! (maybe).

That's all I have for now.
Thanks for this exercise
jenni


#81 Molly

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Posted 04 March 2004 - 02:33 PM

1. It was really my fault because of the way I looked
2. It was really my fault because I never stopped him
3. It was really my fault because I never told anyone
4. It was really my fault because I didn't cry
5. It was really my fault because I still cuddled him
6. It was really my fault because I let it go on for years

1. It wasn't my fault because I couldn't help looking that way - I was only 10
2. It wasn't my fault because I didn't know how to stop him
3. It wasn't my fault because I was afraid to tell
4. It wasn't my fault because I thought crying would make it worse
5. It wasn't my fault because I just wanted to be loved
6. It wasn't my fault because I didn't know how to make it stop

:'( Molly


#82 Melinda

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Posted 04 March 2004 - 10:04 PM

1. It was really my fault because I liked his attention
2. It was really my fault because I ran around the house naked as a child so I should have expected it to happen
3. It was really my fault because it felt good and I didn't tell him no
4. It was really my fault because when I finally told him to stop, he did, so I had the power to make it all never happen by saying no the first time

1. It wasn't my fault because I didn't want THAT attention, I just wanted him to talk to me
2. It wasn't my fault because the body of a child should not arouse sexual desire in anyone, and even if it does, they should know enough not to act on it
3. It wasn't my fault because I closed my legs, I shouldn't have been forced to feel those feelings then, and I knew it was bad and didn't want it, and HE KNEW THAT!
4. It wasn't my fault because I didn't have the power before to stand up to him, and if I had told him no the first time, that doesn't necessarily mean he would have stopped
5. It wasn't my fault because I was a child and he was my father!!!!

Wow, my "not my faults" outweigh my "it was my faults."  What a positive step...


#83 Snickles4

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Posted 05 March 2004 - 12:32 AM

Ok, i've looked at this thread a few times, but have not been able to do it. Probably now is not the best time, but I'll give it a go anyway...

1. I was really my fault because he was my good friend, I'd even dated him.
2. It was really my fault because I could have left earlier with all of the girls I went there with instead of staying with the 2 guys.
3. It was really my fault because I was always hanging out with him and drinking with him. He was my drinking buddy. I trusted him.
4. It was really my fault because I went back to his room with him.
5. It was really my fault because I did not fight hard enough.
6. It was really my fault because I went home and acted like everything was ok and even went ack out that same night to a party with my friends.
7. It was really my fault because I did not admit what happened to anyone 2 years.
8. It was really my fault because I never said anything bad about him afterwards, and let a friend I know date him without saying anything about what he did to me. Even after she asked me about him, knowing that we had dated.
9. It was really my fault because when we would drink together we would frequently kiss.
10. It was really my fault because I kissed him.
11. It was really my fault because I was drunk.

1. It was not my fault because a good friend is not supposed to take advantage of me like that?
2. It was not my fault because I trusted the 2 guys that I was staying with and so did my girl-friends? Umm..ok.?
3. Same as 1?
4. It was not my fault because we hung out in his room a lot, this was normal and this had never happened before. Just because I was in his room, I did not give him permission to rape me.
5. It was not my fault, because he knew that I did not intend on having sex with him. I said no.
6. It was not my fault... uh, I don't know why I pretened like nothing happened.... I was ashamed I guess.
7. It was not my fault because ... uh, I don't know why I waited 2 years to admit this to anyone, myself included. And when I did start telling people, it was about my CSA, not about the rape. It took a long time to admit what happened. Now, I can sorta talk abou the rape with a few people, but NOT the CSA. That is weird....
8. It was really my fault that I did not tell my friend about what happened. I could have said somethign to her. Can't let that one slip by...
9. It was not my fault because even if we kissed one time, that did not give him permission to do it again... oh wait that leads me to #10...
10. It was not my fault, even though I kissed him, because I said no and stop. Permission to kiss does not give him permission to do anything else.
11. It was not my fault because even though I was drunk, that does not mean I consented to anything. I still said no.

Um ok, well I have the same # of "my faults" and "not my faults", but I don't think they all count...
This was REALLY tough to do here. Lots of emotions flying.
Snicks


#84 kmk

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Posted 15 March 2004 - 01:22 AM

Ok, I'll give this a go.

1.  It was my fault for being out at 11:30PM.
2.  It was my fault for not seeing him coming.  I shouldn't have been chatting with my friend.  I should have been more observant.
3.  It was my fault for not trying to get away.  My hands were free, I could have tried to twist away, tried to put him in some sort of wrist lock, tried to take the gun...
4.  It was my fault for going along with him.  For doing everything he said.
5.  It was my fault for choosing to give him oral sex.  For saying yes, saying I would do it.
6.  It was my fault for making the choice that left me with no evidence to convict him on.
7.  It was my fault for not running when he was distracted.  It was dark, and would be hard to aim.
8.  It was my fault for not remembering him well enough.
9.  It was my fault for not describing him well enough, for saying he was taller than he really was.
10.  It was my fault for not getting him convicted.

1.  It wasn't my fault becuase 11:30 isn't that late, I was in a "safe" neighborhood, I wasn't alone, I wasn't going far, and I didn't deserve that sort of punishment anyway.
2.  It wasn't my fault because how could I have expected that?  Talking to my friend was a normal thing to do.
3.  It wasn't my fault because he had a gun in my back, I wasn't an expert in disarming people, he could have killed me in a second.  I was only 15, and he was much larger than me.  
4.  It wasn't my fault because he said he would kill me.  I thought I had to do what he said to stay alive.
5.  It wasn't my fault because I had to say that.  He could have made me do anything, whatever I said.  
6.  It wasn't my fault because he made me choose.  And I chose what seemed less painful.  And he wasn't planning on listening to me anyway.
7.  It wasn't my fault because I thought he would kill me.  
8.  9.  10.  It was my fault.  I can't think of anything to answer here.  It was my fault he got off.


#85 survivor

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Posted 03 July 2004 - 09:58 PM

1.  It was my fault for being lured to the car.
2.  It was my fault for getting in to the car.
3.  It was my fault for not trying to get away when the gun went to my head.
4.  It was my fault for not fighting back more when we got to our final destination.
5.  It was my fault for not fighting to my death.
6.  It was my fault that I didn't get his license plate.
7.  It was my fault for being so damn naive and trusting.
8.  It was my fault for several other things that I can't even mention here.

1.  It is still my fault because I was 16 and should have known better.
2.  It is still my fault because I was 16 and should have known better.  Besides, I had a feeling in my gut that I was in danger and ignored it.
3.  It is still my fault for not trying to get away when the gun went to my head, because now that I'm an adult, I believe that he would have let me run as to avoid the unwanted atttention and he would have sped off.
4.  It was not my fault because I was tied up and there was nothing that I could have done. -- OKAY, that's ONE
5.  It is still my fault because had I fought to my death, I wouldn't be responsible for feeling this way or responsible for all of the memories or responsible for anybody else's reactions to me.
6.  It is still my fault that I didn't think to get his license plate.  I guess I was just so thrilled to still be alive, I wasn't thinking about that.  And I was so young.  I wasn't a driver, so I didn't think of those things.
7.  It is not my fault - it's my mom's fault for raising me to be so naive and trusting, yet at the same time teaching me to not stand up for myself.  She also taught me how to be a victim, and only allowed me to be a victim in her home.  --  OKAY - That's TWO
8.  It is still my fault for some of these other things and some not.


#86 Scattymaddy

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Posted 05 July 2004 - 06:55 AM

The first one:

* It was really my fault because I wasn't assertive enough to say "I don't feel like having sex tonight".
* It was really my fault because I didn't have enough respect for my body to tell him I didn't feel like having sex.
* It was really my fault because I didn't tell him to stop as soon as it started and I felt repulsed by him.
* It was really my fault because I turned my face when he tried to kiss me.
* It was really my fault because I didn't have enough respect for my body to tell him to stop doing any of those things until the pain became excruciating.
* It was really my fault because I chose to lay down on my stomach.
* It was really my fault because I agreed to have anal sex.
* It was really my fault because, in not telling him to stop earlier, I let him indulge in his violent sex/rape fantasy.

* It wasn't my fault because when someone says no and stop, their partner should stop!
* It wasn't my fault because when someone says no and stop, their partner should stop!
* It wasn't my fault because women are made to feel like they should be up for sex at all times, or they are a bad sport.
* It wasn't my fault because I did what I felt I wanted to do.  I didn't want his kiss because he repulsed me, so I didn't take his kiss.  I didn't know that would excite him.
* It wasn't my fault because I was feeling confused and like I didn't have control of my own body.  I felt like I had to just take it.  He shouldn't have been so violent with me and he definitely should have stopped when I said to.
* It wasn't my fault because I chose to lay down on my stomach to cope with the violent repulsive sex.  I didn't know what would happen.
* It wasn't my fault because I was listening to the angry, critical voice in my head that was trying it's best to cover up the fear and horror I felt about the sex.
* It wasn't my fault because he shouldn't have treated me like that in the first place.  Being so violent and disrespectful to my body scrambled my emotions and I had to cope with confusion and fear and horror.  To cope with that I told myself to just try to enjoy it and that if I endured it just a little longer, he would finish and it would all be over.  He shouldn't have treated me in such a violent way and he should have stopped when I told him to.

I don't fully believe all of this, and I don't think they are good responses.  Hopefully after counselling starts, I will feel a lot better about my role in what happened.


#87 rinoa

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Posted 07 July 2004 - 07:04 AM

I've read this thread like a hundred times....never been brave enough to do it.

Ok, here goes...

it was my fault because; I went in his office after school
it was my fault because; I didn't scream
it was my fault because; I didn't fight
it was my fault because; I didn't tell him no or anything
it was my fault because; I didn't run away when I had the chance early on
it was my fault because; I didn't tell anyone for so long
it was my fault because; I did things to him that he wanted, so he must have thought I wanted it
it was my fault because; If it wasn't, people would believe me
it was my fault because; He only did it to me, I must have done something to make him want to do that

-----------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't my fault because; He was my teacher and I trusted him
It wasn't my fault because; I was too scared to fight or scream
It wasn't my fault because; I was too scared/shocked to run away when I could have
It wasn't my fault because; There was no way I could have known what he was planning
It wasn't my fault because; Nobody asks for that
It wasn't my fault because; I only did things to him becasue I didn't know what else to do
It wasn't my fault because; I was inshock, and didn't know how to tell
It wasn't my fault because; I can't make people believe me if they refuse to see the truth
It wasn't my fault because; I have no control over the choices he made


Ok, but I still think it was my fault......just because.
I hate the realisation that I had absolutely no control whatsoever.


#88 pixie

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Posted 19 July 2004 - 02:03 AM

victim blame

Just wanted to share this page i made on why we blame the rape victim.  This exersize is in it somewhere.

Mostly it's articles and web sites.  IF anyone has a site to add please do.  there is a submit form on the bottom.

pixie


#89 Guest_atari_*

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Posted 20 July 2004 - 10:08 AM

It was my fault because....

1. It was really my fault because I looked at him first.
2. It was really my fault because I should have stayed where I was supposed to.
3. It was really my fault because you shouldn't go anywhere with someone you just met less than an hour ago.
4. It was really my fault because I should have seen through the lies.
5. It was really my fault because I felt like something was wrong but I didn't leave.
6. It was really my fault because I couldn't even manage to say "no", just "I don't want to do this right now".
7. It was really my fault because my body liked it.
8. It was really my fault because he was a nice guy.


It wasn't my fault because...

1. It wasn't my fault because looking at someone doesn't mean you want them to assault you.
2. It wasn't my fault because he was trying to trick me.
3. It wasn't my fault because he was trying to get me alone.
4. It wasn't my fault because I thought I could trust him.
5. It wasn't my fault because I wanted to give him a chance.
6. It wasn't my fault because "I don't want to do this right now" means "no", just as moving away from him did.
7. It wasn't my fault because a body is supposed to react to touch, but I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
8. It wasn't my fault because he was lying to me to seem like a nice guy.


#90 jfinnova

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Posted 20 August 2004 - 11:10 PM

Good thread


1. It was my fault because I flirted with him that night.
2. It was my fault because we were all in a bar.
3. It was my fault because I had just met him that day.
4. It was my fault because I should have known from his feet what he planned to do later.
5. It was my fault because I kissed him earlier that night.
6. It was my fault because I let him come up to my room.
7. It was my fault because I fooled around with him of my own volition
8. It was my fault because I trusted him.

1. It wasn't my fault because I was young, happy, carefree and celebrating life.
2. It wasn't my fault because we were in a bar but I didn't drink much.  Hell I didn't even like beer.
3. It wasn't my fault because even though I had just met him that day, he was my friend's friend, so I trusted him.  
4. It wasn't my fault because even though he slid his legs up my mine, I was shocked because I was a naturally niave person.
5. It wasn't my fault because a kiss is just a kiss.  A kiss doesn't automatically equal sex.
6. It wasn't my fault because I stu[idly thought by saying no, I'd be rude.
7. It wasn't my fault because I was relatively inexerpienced then and thought I'd fool around for fun.  I didn't think fooling around = sex.
8. It wasn't my fault because I trusted him because no one had EVER hurt me before and I had no reason to distrust him.



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