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It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise


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#46 Francesca

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Posted 06 January 2003 - 11:21 PM

((((((Mouseisa))))))

I'll try. Thank you. :)


#47 Cira

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Posted 13 February 2003 - 12:04 AM

Allright...this exercise has been popping out at me all day.  Maybe it's a sign...There's a cerain amount of discomfort here, but what the heck.  This might make me feel better.  This could take awhile...

For my first instance of abuse:
1.It was my fault because I didn't say no.
2.It was my fault because I was a bad girl
3.It was my fault because I let it happen
4.It was my fault because I didn't tell

1.It wasn't my fault because I was just a child & didn't know better
2.It wasn't my fault because I wasn't a "bad girl".  How can a 6-year-old deserve abuse?
3.It wasn't my fault because I WAS ONLY SIX.  How could I stop it?
4.It wasn't my fault because I was too scared & ashamed to tell.

For the next time:
1.It was my fault because I trusted him & didn't fight
2.It was my fault because I'm a whore
3.It was my fault because I didn't stop it

1.It wasn't my fault because my trust was violated.  I never expected my own brother to hurt me; why would I?
2.It wasn't my fault because I'm NOT a whore
3.It wasn't my fault because I disassociated & wasn't able to stop it.

For my first rape:
1.It was my fault because I went along with it in the beginning.
2.It was my fault because I didn't fight harder
3.It was my fault because I had fooled around with him before.
4.It was my fault because I let it happen.

1.It wasn't my fault because I told him to stop.  That should've been respected.
2.It wasn't my fault because I was too terrified to fight.
3.It wasn't my fault because nothing that happened between us prior to the rape gave him free reign over my body.
4.It wasn't my fault because I did all I could to stop it.  I said told him to stop.  

For my next one:
1.It was my fault because my body responded.
2.It was my fault because I didn't fight.
3.It was my fault because I had been abused before
4.It was my fault because I didn't tell anyone.

1.It wasn't my fault because I couldn't help that & my body's response doesn't mean that I liked it or that it was wanted.
2.It wasn't my fault because I disassociated.  It wasn't my fault because he used physical force.  He choked me & once he had a knife.
3.It wasn't my fault because none of the previous abuse was my fault.
4.It wasn't my fault because I was too terrified to tell anyone.

For my date-rapes:
1.It was my fault because I wore revealing clothes.
2.It was my fault because I drank.
3.It was my fault because I led them on.
4.It was my fault because I trusted them.

1.It wasn't my fault because the clothes I chose didn't give anyone free reign over my body.
2.It wasn't my fault because the fact that I drank didn't give them the right to use me.  In one instance I was passed out, & in the other, I said no, & tried to get him off me.  That should've been respected.
3.It wasn't my fault because no matter what happened prior to this, it didn't give them the right to do this.
4.It wasn't my fault because I shouldn't be punished for trusting others.

For my most recent rape:
1.It was my fault because he warned me.
2.It was my fault because I owed it to him.
3.It was my fault because I let it happen.
4.It was my fault because I didn't fight.

1.It wasn't my fault because he knew I didn't want to have sex.  It should've been respected.  It's still rape even though I "should've expected it".  The warning was part of the mental & emotional abuse I was forced to endure.
2.It wasn't my fault because I didn't owe him jack-shit, especially my body.
3.It wasn't my fault because he damaged me so much mentally & emotionally that I didn't think I had a choice.
4.It wasn't my fault because I was far too terrified of him to fight.  I knew he had a violent history.

That...was draining.


#48 Guest__*

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Posted 17 April 2003 - 08:18 PM

a small start, because this is very anxiety-provoking

-my fault because i was such a bad kid
-my fault because i couldn't do anytihng right
-my fault because i never said anything to anyone, and someone could have helped me
-my fault because i made him so mad
-my fault becuase i was so quiet
-my fault becuase i was disgusting
-my fault becuase i was a piece of shit and stupid and slutty

-not my fault becuase there is nothing a child can do that would make the abuse their fault
-not my fault because i was too afraid to talk
-not my fault because i was too afraid to trust anyone
-not my fault becuase he was sick and disgusting, not me


#49 Guest__*

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Posted 12 July 2003 - 04:43 PM

1 It was really my fault because... I was wearing a  
 revealing outfit (skirt).
 It WAS NOT my fault because... wearing a revealing outfit
 doesn't mean that I was "asking" to be r@ped.

2. It was really my fault because... I parked between two  
  vans late at night.
  It WASN'T my fault because... parking between two vans
  late at night doesn't justify the r@pe.

3. It was really my fault because... I didn't try to kick
  them or scream to get out of it.
  It WAS NOT my fault because... one of them had a knife.  
  And everytime that I did struggle a little bit, they
  tortured me.

4. It was really my fault because... I went out late at
  night by myself.
  It WAS NOT my fault because... I needed to go to the
  store. I was not expecting to get r@ped in the parking
  lot.

5. It was really my fault because... I'm a believer that
  everything happens for a reason. I must have done
  something to deserve this.
  It WAS NOT my fault because... ???? I'm still trying to  
  figure that one out.

This was a good exercise to do because I haven't really thought of why it's NOT my fault... I've only thought about what I could have done to prevent it.
Thanks - Stefanie  



#50 tilted

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Posted 02 August 2003 - 08:13 PM

Hi everyone... I am new to this board

But I just wanted to say that this looks like a great exercise and I will try it tonight in my journal.  Perhaps in the future I will share.  I think those of you who were able were very brave... its very empowering to read this message board.... I'm not the only one...


#51 Guest_no1savedmeisavedme_*

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Posted 26 August 2003 - 06:50 PM

It was my fault because I went to live there willingly

It was my fault because I was too physically affectionate

It was my fault because I was too needy

It was my fault because I trusted him

It was my fault because I suspected him of hurting a friend and secretly thought she was lying.(I never told her so) I still went to live there.

It was my fault because I spent too much time with him alone

It was my fault because it felt good

It was my fault because I didn't leave the first time it happened

It was my fault because I didn't tell Child Protective the truth when they came to his house where I was staying

It WASN'T  my fault because I was a child

It WASN'T my fault because children need and seek affection

It WASN'T my fault because I had no place else to go

It WASN'T my fault because I had been threatened not to tell

It WASN'T my fault because he manipulated me


#52 Guest__*

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Posted 10 May 2001 - 06:41 AM

1.  My fault because I used to flirt with those boys
2.  My fault because I laughed at their dirty jokes
3.  My fault because I wore sexy clothes sometimes
4.  My fault because I had a good figure
5.  My fault because I knew I was pretty and wore make-up
6.  My fault because I didn't fight them hard enough

1.  Not my fault -- flirting isn't an invitation for abuse
2.  Not my fault -- listening to jokes, even dirty ones, can't be considered an invitation to assault
3.  Not my fault -- clothes that are flattering aren't necessarily sexy, and even if they were, that's no excuse for their abuse
4.  Not  my fault -- I couldn't help having large breasts, and even if I could, that's no reason for them to assault me either
5.  Not my fault -- there's nothing wrong with wanting to look your best
6.  Not my fault -- I fought them as hard as I could and did everything I knew to make it stop.  There were six of them and only one of me.

And for the second assault...

1.  My fault because I enraged him by commenting on his ragged clothes
2.  My fault because I ignored his anger and added to it by pretending that he didn't exist
3.  My fault because I was well cared for and he was abused, and I was smug about that
4.  My fault because I told a teacher that he had harrassed me and that got him in minor trouble, and made him angrier
5.  My fault because I put myself in a place where he could get at me and no one else could hear or see what was happening

1.  Not my fault -- I thought he didn't know he had a hole in his pants.  I only suggested he have his mom sew it up because I didn't want him to be embarrassed
2.  Not my fault -- I didn't know how to deal with his anger.  I was afraid and so I just pretended he wasn't there.  It wasn't my job to validate him and his emotions
3.  Not my fault -- I did not abuse him, and I was not smug, either -- he said that I was because he was angry at me
4.  Not my fault -- Telling a teacher should have solved the problem, instead of making it worse.  He should have been held responsible for what he did and not been allowed to hurt me again
5.  Not my fault -- when I went back to the stage, alone, I was hiding from my other abusers.  I had no idea that he was angry enough to want to rape me, and I didn't know that he knew about the other assault, that I was vulnerable, and where I was

There...I feel very empty now.  But that's better than feeling like you're full of sharpened nails, huh?
Blessings,
Shaina


#53 Guest__*

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Posted 22 June 2001 - 05:22 PM

i appreciate these littel parts lis gave us..just not having the strength to do them sorry gang.

#54 Guest__*

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Posted 19 August 2001 - 09:08 AM

Ok, here is gose.

1. It was really my fault because - I trusted him.
2. It was really my fault because - I didn't watch his signals.
3. It was really my fault because - I went with him.
4. It was really my fault because - I didn't strugle.
5. It was really my fault because - I said 'no' to touching, not sex.
6. It was really my fault because - I kissed him on the street because he asked me to.

1. It wasn't my fault because - I told him 'no' about touching, and that should have told him that I didn't want SEX.
2. It wasn't my fault because - I was drunk.
3. It wasn't my fault because - he was over 40 (i'm 13)... he was bigger and stronger than me.
4. It wasn't my fault because - I was afraid.
5. It wasn't my fault because - It was dark, and I couldn't really see him.
6. It wasn't my fault because - I didn't want it to happen... and he didn't care.

And that's all fokes....

I NEED TO GET THAT BOOK!!
Lol

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Jen


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Posted 12 August 2002 - 08:08 PM

(((((Renata)))))

#56 Guest__*

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Posted 18 October 2002 - 01:41 PM

1. It was really my fault because I smiled at him, I flirted with him.  I said I don't want to have sex but we can still have fun.
2. It was really my fault because I drank all that he gave me.  I wanted to get drunk.  
3. It was really my fault because I took him back to the motel with me. What was he supposed to think?    
4. It was really my fault because I confused him.  I laughed and smiled when I said no.  I didn't give clear signals.  I could see the confusion in his eyes.  I didn't clarify when he said "you like telling me no, don't you?" I loved confusing him.  It was a game to me.  I did that with so many other men before.  I'd turn them on then tell them no at the last minuet.  it was a power thing for me.  
5. It was really my fault because I pretended to like it because that's what you're supossed to do.  
6. It was really my fault because my dad said that's what happens when you drink.  ____________________________________


1. It wasn't my fault because I said I don't want to have sex.  I told him that before we left the bar to give him plenty of time to decide if he was willing to stop He should have listened to my words and not what he wanted to hear.   
2. It wasn't my fault because there is nothing wrong with drinking.  My being drunk did not give him permission to not take me seriously when I said no.   
3. It wasn't my fault because even though I took him back with me, I had made it as clear as I could before we even left the bar that I didn't want to have sex.  He should have listened to my words and not what he wanted to hear.   
4. It wasn't my fault because I did say no....  
5. It wasn't my fault because I was very young and innocent.  I was curious about sex but I didn't want the first time to be with him.   
6. It wasn't my fault because drinking does not give him the right to keep going after I've said no.   


My god.  those reasons sound so fake to me.  I hope I can begin to believe them.  


#57 Eye of the Tiger

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Posted 10 January 2003 - 03:28 AM

It was really my fault because I was somewhat promiscuous.
It was really my fault because I was a flirt.
It was really my fault because I agreed to take a walk with him.
It was really my fault because when his friends ambushed me, I wasn't scared, just uncomfortable.
It was really my fault because I submitted.
It was really my fault because I didn't scream.
It was really my fault because I wasn't battered.
It was really my fault because their lawyers said so.
It was really my fault because they had a not-guilty verdict (what more f*cking proof is there)

It wasn't my fault. My sex life is my choice, and being promiscuous does not make my body a free-for-all.

It wasn't my fault. Flirting is normal behaviour, even encouraged in women's magazines.

It wasn't my fault. Going for a walk with a casual aquaintance at 5pm after work is socializing and needs no justification.

It wasn't my fault. I had never been in a situation like it before and quite honestly, it took me a while to register with what was actually going on. It's not something one expects to happen.

It wasn't my fault. There were eight or nine of them altogether (not sure) and only one of me. I am not a sumo wrestler. I had no choice.

It wasn't my fault. Those a**holes were making no effort to be discreet, so obviously a scream wasn't going to attract attention.

It wasn't my fault. I never claimed to be the victim of physical violence which does not necessarily go hand in hand with rape.

It wasn't my fault. The lawyers were paid good money to defend that scum.

It wasn't my fault. The legal system is f*cked and conviction rates in Australia are woefully low (still strugglin with this one)

(Edited by Eye of the Tiger at 4:33 am on Jan. 10, 2003)


#58 Guest__*

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Posted 10 April 2003 - 07:09 PM

I haven't done this exercise yet, but I'm boosting it in honor of it being the oldest post found in this public forum. :) WOOHOO! Thanks for the idea Lynn. :)

(Edited by Cera at 9:11 pm on April 10, 2003)


#59 Guest__*

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Posted 10 May 2001 - 07:16 AM

wow
what an incredible exercise
i haven't done it yet
i had 9 abusers that i know of
but i will do it

thanks!
kate


#60 Guest__*

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Posted 22 June 2001 - 09:59 AM

I've done this one in my head, but I just wanted to post it.

It was my fault because I talked to a stranger.

It was my fault because my I didn't listen to the warnings my partner gave me about people from his particular culture.

It was my fault because I was dressed nicely that night.

It was my fault because I had sexy underwear on that night.

It was my fault because the door wasn't locked.

OK (*T* for my potty mouth)

It wasn't my fault because he was my neighbor, and I should have been able to talk to him.  Merely meeting someone twice is in no fucking way an indication of sexual desire.

My partner gave me the warning about men of that particular culture while we were in a different country, and it's sick what men do to women in that country, anyway.  This is America.  People need to assimilate!  Besides, I don't know any culture where it is acceptable to walk into an apartment and start having sex with a sleeping girl while her male partner is asleep on the couch.

I was going out with my boyfriend and two friends.  Of course I wanted to dress nicely.  I wasn't even in particularly sexy clothes, just jeans and a shiny button down.

Hello?  Someone needs to get ahold of their self blame, because if he hadn't come into my home, he would have never seen it in the first place.  Wearing sexy underwear?  This may possibly be the most ridiculous case of self blame in the entire world.

He should have never walked into the apartment in the fucking first place.  

Thanks Lis, this is a good one.

Mistral



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