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It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise


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#181 EmmaPeelWannabe

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 03:45 PM

This is my first post.

This was ridiculously hard to do.

1. It was really my fault because I went to the toilet alone.
2. It was really my fault because I didnít say no.
3. It was really my fault because I didnít scream.
4. It was really my fault because I froze.
5. It was really my fault because I didnít report it immediately after it happened.
6. It was really my fault because I didnít want the police to investigate.
7. It was really my fault because I let it happen.

1. It wasnít my fault because a sixteen year old can be expected to go to the toilet by herself.
2. It wasnít my fault because I couldnít speak.
3. It wasnít my fault because he told me that if I screamed he would kill me.
4. It wasnít my fault because to freeze is a very natural reaction.
5. It wasnít my fault because I was in shock and just wanted it to go away.
6. It wasnít my fault because I was scared he would come back and get me.
7. It wasnít my fault because there was nothing else I could do.

It was really my fault?

It wasnít my fault.


#182 J725c

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 05:59 PM

I guess I will try this....

1. It was really my fault, because I drove into the city that night looking for someone.
2. It was really my fault, because I allowed him in my car.
3. It was really my fault, because I voluntarily took drugs from him.
4. It was really my fault, because I made out with him.
5. It was really my fault, because I did not fight him hard enough.
6. It was really my fault, because I allowed him to manipulate me and I shouldn't have been so trusting.
7 it was really my fault, because I didn't go to the police right away so evidence was lost.

1. It wasn't my fault, because I was lonely and wanted to be with someone.
2. It wasn't my fault, because I was trying to be nice to him.
3. It wasn't my fault, because I'm allowed to be attracted to someone.
4. It wasn't my fault, because I did say no to him.
5. It wasn't my fault, because I was afraid of him and what he could do.
6. It wasn't my fault, because I was afraid to go to the police, because of the drugs in my system.
7, it wasn't my fault, because he planned and knew what he was going to do to me.

Wow, that was hard to do. I feel a little bit triggered for some reason.

Edited by J725c, 28 October 2011 - 06:00 PM.


#183 jessie72

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Posted 30 October 2011 - 01:09 PM

I think I have to try this - really been struggling with shame and blaming myself recently :tear:
*possible trigger*

1)It was really my fault because I was dressed up and I wanted him to see me look nice
2)It was really my fault because I knew what kind of man he was and I still went around
3)It was really my fault because I got drunk and we'd kissed before when drunk, I gave him mixed signals
4)It was really my fault because I was confused during and I gave wrong signals
5)It was really my fault because I saw him and spent time with him afterwards
6)It was really my fault because of *something I cant write/admit to on here* - I must have wanted it
7)It was really my fault because maybe deep down somewhere I wanted to but I changed my mind. I'm a tease.

1)It wasn't my fault because wanting him to find me attractive did not mean I wanted s*x with him
2)It wasn't my fault because I thought we were friends, I thought it was safe
3)It wasn't my fault because I said no quite firmly before I had a drink
4)It wasn't my fault because I was drunk and unable to give consent
5)It wasn't my fault because I was trying to make sense of things, I still needed my friend
6)It wasn't my fault because this is a natural reaction I cannot control
7)It wasn't my fault because I'm allowed to be confused, I'm allowed to change my mind and 'no' means 'NO' not 'wear me down and make me feel bad until I say yes'

I think I will need to read and re-read the second list many times before I find peace

#184 joyrider

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Posted 03 November 2011 - 09:40 PM

Ok new here... Here i go

It wasn't my fault - Because I never realised it was happening again

It wasn't my fault- Nothing seemed worse than the first guy so everything with him was different and could never be as bad

It wasn't my fault- I did because I knew it pleased him

It wasn't my fault- I knew he liked see me choke on him

It wasn't my fault- He grabbed my breasts hard and bruised me

It wasn't my fault- He would try to strangle me although I would beg him to stop

It wasn't my fault- He liked it rough and didn't, but he didn't care about my pleasure

It wasnt' my fault- He would perform anal sex on me although I told him to stop so many times

It wasn't my fault- I let it happen , I couldn't stop him, he was too strong

It wasn't my fault- He got turned on by seeing me hurt

It wasn't my fault- I never called it abuse

It wasn't my fault- I would wake up in the middle of the night to him on top of me Fucking me, and i would just let him do it to show how little I cared and how it was doing nothing for me

It wasn't my fault- The times he tried to strangle me I was waiting for the moment I would pass out

It wasn't my fault- he left me drained emotionally

It wasn't my fault- He left me sore and bruised

it wasn't =my fault - i let it happen over and over

it wasnt my fault- It wasn't even a stranger in a dark alley way, it was someone I knew and trusted

It wasn't my fault- I never saw it coming

#185 iset

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Posted 14 November 2011 - 02:25 PM

1. It was really my fault because he was younger than I was.
2. It was really my fault because I wanted to do it.
3. It was really my fault because I 'bragged' about it to look like I was cool.
4. It was really my fault because I still love him so much.
5. It was really my fault because we were so close.
6. It was really my fault because he would never do anything to hurt me.

1. It wasn't really my fault because I was 8 and didn't have the skills to stop it.
2. It wasn't my fault because at 8 I couldn't understand sexual urges so how could I 'want' it, and even if I had, I couldn't have understood the impact it would have on me.
3. It wasn't really my fault because 'bragging' was a way of protecting myself, of trying to make it seem 'right' and 'good' rather than how dirty and disgusting I actually felt by it all.
4. It wasn't my fault because I am a loving person, I was brought up to love all my family - I can still love the part of him that is separate from his actions.
5. It wasn't really my fault because being close was what allowed it to happen - being close to someone is alovely thing, why would I ever try to avoid that, especially as a child when I didn't know it would lead to anything bad. And why would I give up the closeness when so much else had already been taken away from me?
6. He was a child too, so of course he couldn't understand the full emotional impact on me (and him) of what he did - but that doesn't stop what happened having a lasting impact on me. Perhaps on him too.

#186 watchemilysing

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 06:37 PM

It was really my fault because it didn't hurt me, not physically.
It was really my fault because I was the bad kid.
It was really my fault because I lied a lot.
It was really my fault because he was the adult.
It was really my fault because I deserved it.
It was really my fault because I was vulnerable.

It wasn't my fault because I was four.
It wasn't my fault because I didn't know it was wrong.
It wasn't my fault because I thought he was supposed to be the good guy.
It wasn't my fault because I couldn't say no.

#187 leontine

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 01:56 AM

1. It was really my fault because he was drunk and i could've easily got away.
2. It was really my fault because I told no one
3. It was really my fault because I never screamed.
4. It was really my fault because at one point i stopped resisting.
5. It was really my fault because at one point i welcomed it.
6. It was really my fault because I instigated it.
1. It wasn't my fault because I was 3 years old.
2. It wasn't my fault because he was 30.
3. It wasn't my fault because he threatened my tiny life.
4. It wasn't my fault because at one point it was something so normal if felt weird when i wasnt terrified.
5. It wasn't my fault because just because it was his way of punishment did not make it ok
6. It wasn't my fault because someone shouldve been protecting me.

#188 Chub

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Posted 05 March 2012 - 03:48 PM

Hi,
This is my first post on here. I thought I'd give this exercise a go - there are still a couple of thing's that I can't find a 'wasn't my fault' response to. But this exercise has reminded me of some thing's I'd forgotten, especially the telling him he couldn't stay in my room and the getting changed in the bathroom.

1. It really was my fault because I said he could stay in my room as his room mate snores.
2. It really was my fault because Iíd had too much to drink.
3. It really was my fault because I let him follow me back to my room.
4. It really was my fault because I didnít tell him to go back to his own hotel when he was at my door.
5. It really was my fault because I wore little shorts to bed.
6. It really was my fault because I let him get in my bed.
7. It really was my fault because I let him hug and kiss me goodnight.
8. It really was my fault because I gave in.
9. It really was my fault because I was on top at some point.

1. It wasnít my fault because I found out that my room was a double room and it meant weíd have to share a bed so I told him he wouldnít be able to stay in my room.
2. It wasnít my fault because Iím old enough to have a drink and thought I was in the company of trusted friends.
3. It wasnít my fault because I didnít realise he was following me until he was at my door.
4. It wasnít my fault becauseÖ
5. It wasnít my fault because I got changed in the bathroom away from him into my normal shorts and baggy T-Shirt PJís.
6. It wasnít my fault becauseÖ
7. It wasnít my fault becauseÖ
8. It wasnít my fault because Iíd said no so many times Iíd lost count, even to the point of punching him to try and get him to stop.
9. It wasnít my fault because by this time Iíd gone numb.

#189 Brimney

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 09:57 PM

1. It was really my fault because I went out without money
2. It was really my fault because I was depressed
3. It was really my fault because I knew what he wanted, and still went with him
4. It was really my fault because I have rape fantasies
5. It was really my fault because I loved him
6. It was really my fault because I believed him

1. It wasn't my fault because even if I didn't say no, I didn't say yes
2. It wasn't my fault because I told them no multiple times before giving up
3. It wasn't my fault because I am a person, not a sex object
4. It wasn't my fault because I don't have a high sex drive, and I don't need to be ashamed of that.
5. It wasn't my fault because I know the difference between fantasy and reality
6. It wasn't my fault because they should have known better

I don't know why the "It was really my part" is there, since that seems to reinforce negative thoughts. Unless you're supposed to counter the "my faults" with the "not my faults", in which case I may have done this wrong. thanks for sharing this with us, and thanks to everyone who has shared.

#190 MarinaBlaze

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 06:24 AM

It was my fault because I let him do it
It was my fault because I didn't scream or fight
It was my fault because I sort of enjoyed it at the beginning
It was my fault because I didn't tell
It was my fault because I let it continue for so many years
It was my fault because I love him

It wasn't my fault because I didn't understand what he was doing at first then I couldn't stop it
It wasn't my fault because he was too strong
It wasn't my fault because it was my body's natural response
It wasn't my fault because I was so scared
It wasn't my fault because I couldn't stop it and he wouldn't react to my running away from him and pushing him away
It wasn't my fault because he's my brother and I admired and looked up to him for so long

#191 Liz

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Posted 14 April 2012 - 01:32 AM

it was my fault because i didn't fight back
it was my fault because i didn't tell
it was my fault because it was the only skin touch i had besides my mother's beatings (one of them was going to get me one way or the other) so sometimes it was easier to endure so i would go to him.
it was my fault because i didn't run away
it was my fault because i tested smarter in intelligence than he and still couldn't stop him no matter what i tried.


it wasn't my fault because i was three feet tall
it wasn't my fault because in my art and poems from early years, it was obvious and no one said or did a thing to stop him or protect me.
it wasn't my fault because it was the closest i ever got to nurturing and human children need touch
it wasn't my fault because where exactly was i to go? They were bigwigs, i was a toddler. by my teen years, i found drugs and forgot
it wasn't my fault because he was so much older, in a position of authority, and it doesn't take much brains to manipulate a baby


whew! that felt good to say that last part. i can also see where some of my confusion is, like i chose him over her. I don't think that is really choice when you are a toddler.
Sheez,why would any sane person put a child in a position like that anyway?
No wonder i thought life was a war zone for so long after i left them.
thanks to who ever started this. ellen bass and laura davis get it.

Edited by Liz, 14 April 2012 - 01:37 AM.


#192 goingcrazy7

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 10:46 PM

I've really been struggling with shame and guilt so i'm going to try this..

1. It was really my fault because _I should have seen the signs
2. It was really my fault because I shouldn't have stayed the night
3. It was really my fault because his friend tried to warn me in a weird way.

1. It wasn't my fault because I told him I never move that fast
2. It wasn't my fault because I told him to stop
3. It wasn't my fault because he waited til i had taken my sleep medication and was asleep
4. It wasn't my fault because He had a plan and no matter what he was going to do it
5. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________
6. It wasn't my fault because ____________________________________

#193 beansmum

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 01:11 AM

It was my fault - I let it happen again and again. The first time I left should have been the last time. I never should have gone back.

It wasn't mt fault - he is a bastard who deliberately hurt me mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually because HE wanted to. NO ONE EVER DESERVES THAT - I DIDN'T.

This is my mantra and I will keep repeating it till I believe it.

#194 DrWatson

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Posted 13 November 2012 - 02:12 PM

It really was my fault because I didn't tell him I didn't like it
It really was my fault because I led him on
It really was my fault because although I was scared, I didn't end it
It really was my fault because I let it get to me

It wasn't my fault because just because I didn't explicitly say 'stop', he should have known to ask
It wasn't my fault because he was older and should have known better
It wasn't my fault because he made me stay
It wasn't my fault because it would make anyone upset, and I'm completely normal.

#195 blithe

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Posted 15 March 2013 - 02:52 AM

This is brilliant!!

SA 2004

1. It was my fault because he was my friend's brother/brother's friend and they have good judgement
2. It was my fault because I had had a couple of drinks
3. It was my fault because I went into his room when he said he wanted to talk about my brother
4. It was my fault because I didn't know how to stop him
5. It was my fault because everyone told me so
6. It was my fault because I can't remember everything that happened anymore and I have doubts

1. It wasn't my fault because he took advantage of me
2. It wasn't my fault because he did the same thing to 3 other girls in the same week
3. It wasn't my fault because.....I can't think of anything else

SA 2012

1. It was my fault because I went to his house
2. It was my fault because we had kissed once before
3. It was my fault because I consented to a (professional) massage
4. It was my fault because I didn't read the signs
5. It was my fault because I froze up
6. It was my fault because I didn't leave straight away

1. It wasn't my fault because he has a wife and child - I didn't expect anything to happen especially in their own home
2. It wasn't my fault because he had massaged me before and was very professional
3. It wasn't my fault because I thought we were friends
4. It wasn't my fault because I didn't expect it to happen and I didn't want it to happen
5. It wasn't my fault because I was in an extremely vulnerable position and he took advantage of me in so many ways
6. It wasn't my fault because he admitted he did something wrong (eventually)

The last one is still very fresh (barely 6 months old) so thank you for giving all of us the opportunity to recognise these feelings of self-blame and help us feel validated and normal!


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