I thought twice about starting this thread.
For me betrayal is the worst people can do to each other. It needs to be acknowledged, it needs to be seen and it needs to get out of the system. Everyone talks about “just moving on”. For me that comes only after the depth of the pain has been told.
********T********* Violating trust. The worst … and I’m just a secondary survivor. Either way, if you care you have to live with the aftermath, whether you were betrayed yourself or you had your entire life changed because of the selfishness of people that have betrayed the one you love. A lot of s**t goes down. Here are a few betrayals:
- My gf desperately needed a “best friend” after leaving her marriage. Her sister was post-partum and asked her to move across the continent to live with her and her husband and their infant daughter. That “friend” ended up being her brother-in-law. After confiding in him about experiencing CSA and sexual abuse throughout her marriage, and that she didn’t know how to stop “men like that”, the brother-in-law took advantage. This is the father of the infant, someone who should be helping his wife get through post-partum! It’s a first child and the mother was having a really rough time. She was abandoned. It sucks! There are betrayals on top of betrayals here!
- Anyway, the brother-in-law turns his back on his wife, finds out his sister-in-law has a vulnerability, an abuse past, and what does he do? He sees her as an “opportunity”. It’s so unbelievably callous. He started abusing her, seeing what he could get, telling her he was “freeing” her. She cried when he touched her or tried to kiss her. She told him she really needed friendship. He kept trying to work situations so he could be alone with her. Then he’d assault her, always with compliments and words like “I don’t deserve you”. If she stopped him, he would play on her sympathy and get depressed. She’d try to console him and before she knew it, he had turned it sexual again. She knows he had an agenda all his own now, but then she was just very messed up by his weird persistence, she was needing a friend and not wanting to hurt that friend. He just kept building up and desensitizing her step by step until one night he got her drunk and r*ped her. She endured his abuse pattern for over three years. She tried to be careful with him AND be his friend. She blamed herself if he did anything. Eventually she just wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Then he said she was selfish because she "dropped him after getting what she wanted". It’s a mindf**k! I’m writing all this because I think people should share stories about how manipulative some people can be. It is SO damaging.
- Two years after it had stopped, after getting up enough courage to break her silence, she told her sister. The shame and guilt of carrying this secret had made her almost suicidal. That was a dark time. I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t sure what was wrong but I found myself just trying to keep her alive at times. It got so desperate. Some days she’d just disappear. Eventually, she got herself a therapist and shortly after broke her silence to me. Then she told her sister.
- Her sister denies it all. She says she knew all along about the “affair” because her husband (the abuser) told her. No one told my gf. It sickens me to see people manipulating the truth and manipulating other people like this.
It hurts to see the damage that denial can do. My gf carried all this pain and took so much abuse because she didn’t want her sister to know what kind of monster she had married. For what? To be betrayed? She remembers a car ride when her sister was saying how wonderful her husband was and how good he was to her. My gf just couldn’t bring herself to tell her. All the time, the husband just kept abusing my gf. He played both of them, knowing them well enough to know they wouldn’t talk about this. It’s the abusers trick isn’t it … to know how to keep someone from telling.
(Edited by dream of water at 1:55 am on June 5, 2003)