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I had my cousin ask me "was the guy who raped you cute?" ...this was 3 years after it happened ..i cried
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Top 10 Stupidest Comments
#632
Posted 20 July 2011 - 11:57 AM
When I first told my mom that I got r*ped, and that I wanted to go to counseling for it (the r*pes were when I was a kid) she said, "Well you should have asked me before I got the dog's surgery!"
Thanks for equating my trauma and depression with the dog's knee surgery, Mom....
When I went to therapy, my therapist didn't seem to want to talk about the abuse, and so I asked her how come we weren't working through it more. She told me that she was of the school of psychotherapy that believes talking about sexual abuse 'makes it worse' and 're-traumatizes' the victim. (Cause it just magically goes away otherwise??) Then she said that she believes unless its a particularly 'heinous' form of abuse, the person should just move on. (Right, because repeated different types of r*pe of an 8 year old is not heinous??)
Best response I got was from my acupuncturist, who is a really great person. She said, "From one human being to another, I am very sorry you had to experience that." She gave sympathy and didn't make me feel like a victim. Love caring responses :)/>
Thanks for equating my trauma and depression with the dog's knee surgery, Mom....
When I went to therapy, my therapist didn't seem to want to talk about the abuse, and so I asked her how come we weren't working through it more. She told me that she was of the school of psychotherapy that believes talking about sexual abuse 'makes it worse' and 're-traumatizes' the victim. (Cause it just magically goes away otherwise??) Then she said that she believes unless its a particularly 'heinous' form of abuse, the person should just move on. (Right, because repeated different types of r*pe of an 8 year old is not heinous??)
Best response I got was from my acupuncturist, who is a really great person. She said, "From one human being to another, I am very sorry you had to experience that." She gave sympathy and didn't make me feel like a victim. Love caring responses :)/>
#633
Posted 20 July 2011 - 11:58 AM
TrudyC, on 13 July 2011 - 05:45 AM, said:
Sorry if I'm repeating another line, but I've had "It's been over 20yrs - haven't you forgotten it by now? Surely you can move on!" ..... oh dear me :blink:/>
#635
Posted 20 July 2011 - 01:12 PM
becky1287, on 07 April 2010 - 07:15 AM, said:
My brother actually called my cell phone when I was in the Er about to have to rape kit to tell me that if the judge. And jury decided I was lying I'd go to jAil. Just no sensitivity. Ugh
#636
Posted 20 July 2011 - 01:13 PM
I am sorry, that is rough. :unsure:/> Especially the timing.....
#637
Posted 22 July 2011 - 11:49 AM
I guess the worst for me has been in action, not words.
I started having flashbacks a couple months ago and realized I got r*ped and sexually abused when I was 8 (I am 26 now). My boyfriend of 2 years was with me when I started remembering so he knows most of the details, especially that the most traumatizing attack was when I got anally raped, in my own room at home.
That didn't stop him from still pressuring me to have anal sex, and then generally being distant and when I asked him why he says its because I'm "rejecting" him sexually. Implying that he can't love me 100% because I can't do that. (Even though I did it a LOT of times with him even though it was making my self-esteem go really low and triggering PTSD symptoms.)
Right.....cause my rape survivor issues are about YOU....
Now I won't ever do it again with him though because this blog is helping me see my behavior more clearly. Thanks!
I started having flashbacks a couple months ago and realized I got r*ped and sexually abused when I was 8 (I am 26 now). My boyfriend of 2 years was with me when I started remembering so he knows most of the details, especially that the most traumatizing attack was when I got anally raped, in my own room at home.
That didn't stop him from still pressuring me to have anal sex, and then generally being distant and when I asked him why he says its because I'm "rejecting" him sexually. Implying that he can't love me 100% because I can't do that. (Even though I did it a LOT of times with him even though it was making my self-esteem go really low and triggering PTSD symptoms.)
Right.....cause my rape survivor issues are about YOU....
Now I won't ever do it again with him though because this blog is helping me see my behavior more clearly. Thanks!
#638
- My heart still fluttersby...
- Group: Contributing Member
- Posts: 15,894
- Joined: 26-September 10
Posted 22 July 2011 - 03:38 PM
I have found that a lot of secondary's make it about them after learning of our issues...someone I have shared my story with ( who shall remain nameless) joined Pandy's after I suggested she might be better able to understand survivor's problems and the healing process involved. She has since told me that she can't sleep at night after reading some of the posts and suggests I 'should' do the same...knowing that I'm on the site will only cause her more grief...http://www.pandys.org/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/doh.gif
This post has been edited by jdam: 22 July 2011 - 03:39 PM
#639
- Group: M Member
- Posts: 70
- Joined: 30-April 08
Posted 31 July 2011 - 09:04 PM
choirgirl, on 11 March 2003 - 05:48 PM, said:
oh, I forgot the classic one (this bugs me in any case, but especially this one):<p>God does everything for a reason -and- He'll never give you more than you can handle.<p>as if that's supposed to make everything all better...
I totally agree I hate when people say that....now I'm atheist just my beliefs
#640
Posted 02 August 2011 - 12:29 AM
I've posted some of my Top Stupidest Comments before but this one is another majorly stupid comment and worthy of the Top. Its kind of a long story and requires some extra info for full impact.
So a little back story. One year ago I left my significant other who had been sexually assaulting and raping me during a significant portion of our relationship. I didn't leave him because of that. It was part of it but it wasn't the straw that broke the camels back. And that really added to my sense of isolation and shame but I was trying to combat this by reaching out to people. After the break up the ex and I had an argument where he basically tried to blame his recently confessed cheating on the fact that I had refused to have sex with him for a long time. I reminded him that I had refused the sex because he'd been sexually assaulting me and that he agreed to give me time to heal, as much time as it took to heal and that was why we stopped having sex. After this argument I was really confused and starting to question myself. So I logged on to the free RAINN crisis chat and talked to one of the Rape Counselors. She straightened my head back on for me and gave me clear definitions of what sexual assault and rape were so I could figure out what had happened to me. She validated my tentative affirmation that "No means no" and he should have respected that. And that I shouldn't have to repeat no a million times.
At that point I felt a little stronger and so I called my best friend. I was crying I was so devastated and shaken up by everything. I told her about the RAINN conversation and I told her how ashamed and disturbed I was by the fact that I broke up with my abuser for OTHER reasons...not the sexual assault and/or rape. I can't remember much but she seemed supportive at the time.
A few weeks later I talk to her about how I was thinking of going to the police. She discouraged that deeply and said that they wouldn't do anything. I said I wasn't sure about that since he had written a confession and I had a witness on several occasions but I would talk it over with a counselor when I could afford to visit one again.
Fast forward 1 year. The ex and the abuse is on my mind a lot. I see things that trigger me and I am thinking of him a lot. Missing him even. My friend and I have a conversation about that where she acts entitled and indignant that she didn't have my abuser in her life as a friend anymore. She said something else that seemed frustrating and crazy at the time but I can't recall what it was at this moment.
A week later I'm planning on bringing up the crazy thing she said and when the conversation kind of turns toward this general topic I go into a long conversation about the sexual assault and how I'd been visiting support forums and feeling a LOT better about things. (This was not the first and only time I talked about what happened specifically with her but this is the most graphic and specific I'd been so far.) The following mind-blowing conversation results:
Her: ~murmurs something about this being new info~
Me: What?
Her: This is the first time I'm hearing about this. I didn't realize until now that you meant he really sexually assaulted you.
Me: How? I've been referring to it as sexual assault for a whole year now?
Her: Yeah but remember that time that you told me that he pulled your hands off your head and you felt raped? I thought you were talking about things like that. I thought you meant it as a metaphor.
Me: ~stunned silence~ ..... Wow. I had no idea that you didn't realize that. I actually forgot that incident even happened. .... ~more stunned silence~ ...For the record he used his hands, mouth and penis to sexually assault and rape me in my private areas. This happened. With his physical body and my physical body and it is not a metaphor.
(Also AFTER this she said that she still considered him her friend. And furthermore that she'd just accepted him being a liar and acting like he liked her but behind her back discouraging me from being her friend and actually making fun of her. I didn't even have the heart to go into specifics with that and just said that he had misrepresented his true feelings toward her. After THAT she still maintained he was one of her best friends.)
Then, I kind of accepted that it seemed reasonable that she believed it might have been a metaphor. I thought it was odd because I'd been so explicit here and there about it. But I thought "Ok. This makes her weird behavior make a little more sense." However that night I realized that I'd forgotten about talking to her about wanting to go to the police. (What kind of a normal person would say they were going to charge someone with rape or sexual assault for simply pulling your hands away from your head? This makes me think she believes me to be some kind of a lunatic who is overly dramatic and incompetent. Why is she even friends with someone she must believe is such a lunatic?) I remembered the police thing and then I recalled that I'd mentioned to her that I had to talk to RAINN to clarify that what happened was real and that I wasn't just crazy (as he was trying to make me out to be at the time). And it begs the second set of questions: Who hears that the RAINN (standing for RAPE ABUSE and INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK) counselors confirm sexual assault and even rape and then decides that their friend must REALLY mean it was a metaphor? Did she think that the RAINN counselor was simply confused and couldn't see that it was really a metaphor? Did she think I was lying to them to get pity? Lying about even contacting them so I could have extra "validation" of the potency of feeling behind my "rape metaphor"??
The whole thing is just crazy and stupid and I hardly know what to make of it or what to do about it now. I've kind of avoided talking to her too much. (Although I have talked to her enough to be supportive and validating about HER sexual assault when she didn't say no and struggled to validate the experience herself. Her abuser coerced her into having sex and I said that to me, and to the books I've been reading, that is rape.) It just makes me so so so so sooo sad that this person is my best friend and this seems like a big reflection of how she feels about me and my general worth to her. :shy:/>
(edited for grammar)
So a little back story. One year ago I left my significant other who had been sexually assaulting and raping me during a significant portion of our relationship. I didn't leave him because of that. It was part of it but it wasn't the straw that broke the camels back. And that really added to my sense of isolation and shame but I was trying to combat this by reaching out to people. After the break up the ex and I had an argument where he basically tried to blame his recently confessed cheating on the fact that I had refused to have sex with him for a long time. I reminded him that I had refused the sex because he'd been sexually assaulting me and that he agreed to give me time to heal, as much time as it took to heal and that was why we stopped having sex. After this argument I was really confused and starting to question myself. So I logged on to the free RAINN crisis chat and talked to one of the Rape Counselors. She straightened my head back on for me and gave me clear definitions of what sexual assault and rape were so I could figure out what had happened to me. She validated my tentative affirmation that "No means no" and he should have respected that. And that I shouldn't have to repeat no a million times.
At that point I felt a little stronger and so I called my best friend. I was crying I was so devastated and shaken up by everything. I told her about the RAINN conversation and I told her how ashamed and disturbed I was by the fact that I broke up with my abuser for OTHER reasons...not the sexual assault and/or rape. I can't remember much but she seemed supportive at the time.
A few weeks later I talk to her about how I was thinking of going to the police. She discouraged that deeply and said that they wouldn't do anything. I said I wasn't sure about that since he had written a confession and I had a witness on several occasions but I would talk it over with a counselor when I could afford to visit one again.
Fast forward 1 year. The ex and the abuse is on my mind a lot. I see things that trigger me and I am thinking of him a lot. Missing him even. My friend and I have a conversation about that where she acts entitled and indignant that she didn't have my abuser in her life as a friend anymore. She said something else that seemed frustrating and crazy at the time but I can't recall what it was at this moment.
A week later I'm planning on bringing up the crazy thing she said and when the conversation kind of turns toward this general topic I go into a long conversation about the sexual assault and how I'd been visiting support forums and feeling a LOT better about things. (This was not the first and only time I talked about what happened specifically with her but this is the most graphic and specific I'd been so far.) The following mind-blowing conversation results:
Her: ~murmurs something about this being new info~
Me: What?
Her: This is the first time I'm hearing about this. I didn't realize until now that you meant he really sexually assaulted you.
Me: How? I've been referring to it as sexual assault for a whole year now?
Her: Yeah but remember that time that you told me that he pulled your hands off your head and you felt raped? I thought you were talking about things like that. I thought you meant it as a metaphor.
Me: ~stunned silence~ ..... Wow. I had no idea that you didn't realize that. I actually forgot that incident even happened. .... ~more stunned silence~ ...For the record he used his hands, mouth and penis to sexually assault and rape me in my private areas. This happened. With his physical body and my physical body and it is not a metaphor.
(Also AFTER this she said that she still considered him her friend. And furthermore that she'd just accepted him being a liar and acting like he liked her but behind her back discouraging me from being her friend and actually making fun of her. I didn't even have the heart to go into specifics with that and just said that he had misrepresented his true feelings toward her. After THAT she still maintained he was one of her best friends.)
Then, I kind of accepted that it seemed reasonable that she believed it might have been a metaphor. I thought it was odd because I'd been so explicit here and there about it. But I thought "Ok. This makes her weird behavior make a little more sense." However that night I realized that I'd forgotten about talking to her about wanting to go to the police. (What kind of a normal person would say they were going to charge someone with rape or sexual assault for simply pulling your hands away from your head? This makes me think she believes me to be some kind of a lunatic who is overly dramatic and incompetent. Why is she even friends with someone she must believe is such a lunatic?) I remembered the police thing and then I recalled that I'd mentioned to her that I had to talk to RAINN to clarify that what happened was real and that I wasn't just crazy (as he was trying to make me out to be at the time). And it begs the second set of questions: Who hears that the RAINN (standing for RAPE ABUSE and INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK) counselors confirm sexual assault and even rape and then decides that their friend must REALLY mean it was a metaphor? Did she think that the RAINN counselor was simply confused and couldn't see that it was really a metaphor? Did she think I was lying to them to get pity? Lying about even contacting them so I could have extra "validation" of the potency of feeling behind my "rape metaphor"??
The whole thing is just crazy and stupid and I hardly know what to make of it or what to do about it now. I've kind of avoided talking to her too much. (Although I have talked to her enough to be supportive and validating about HER sexual assault when she didn't say no and struggled to validate the experience herself. Her abuser coerced her into having sex and I said that to me, and to the books I've been reading, that is rape.) It just makes me so so so so sooo sad that this person is my best friend and this seems like a big reflection of how she feels about me and my general worth to her. :shy:/>
(edited for grammar)
This post has been edited by Violet~Iris: 02 August 2011 - 05:18 PM
#641
Posted 03 August 2011 - 02:52 PM
* I thought you moved on
* Just don't think about it
* It was only a movie
* Just don't think about it
* It was only a movie
#642
- A new outlook on life.
- Group: Member
- Posts: 395
- Joined: 03-August 11
Posted 06 August 2011 - 06:01 AM
Not even ATTEMPTING to sympathize or support, totally nonchalonte. Any time I get any emotion besides happy she says it, no matter how bad I feel. Just says it and walks away.
My mom: "You're strong, you can handle it."
My mom: "You're strong, you can handle it."
#643
Posted 09 August 2011 - 09:20 AM
Ok so here are a few that really wound me up...
1) stepdad- in relation to me becoming mentally unstable due to abuse ... "well its all in your head...snap out of it"
2)mum- when i told her i was going to press charges against my brother ... "well shit is going to hit the fan"
3)boy mate-" your fine when u have a boyfriend...just get back out there. That'll fix you"
4)my abuser " i was only experimenting on you"
5)friend- "at least he didnt rape you it could be worse"
Blahh people just dont think at times
1) stepdad- in relation to me becoming mentally unstable due to abuse ... "well its all in your head...snap out of it"
2)mum- when i told her i was going to press charges against my brother ... "well shit is going to hit the fan"
3)boy mate-" your fine when u have a boyfriend...just get back out there. That'll fix you"
4)my abuser " i was only experimenting on you"
5)friend- "at least he didnt rape you it could be worse"
Blahh people just dont think at times
#644
- A new outlook on life.
- Group: Member
- Posts: 395
- Joined: 03-August 11
Posted 22 August 2011 - 12:50 AM
Her: "You're dwelling on it."
Me: "I'm not dwelling, I'm trying to HEAL."
Me: "I'm not dwelling, I'm trying to HEAL."
#645
Posted 01 September 2011 - 05:36 AM
Me: Tell my ex boyfriend the story
Ex bf: When are you going to sit down and say to your parents "Mum and Dad, I've made some dumb decisions in my life..."
Me: (interrupts) I did not CHOOSE for this to happen!
Ex bf: Well you chose to hang out with him
Me: Well you don't expect your friends to do that to you, not like it's on their resume for you to know beforehand! Anyway, now you know why I get so scared and the reason for my anxiety
Exbf: Well you need to get over it.
Me: Well that's easy for you to say isn't it!
What an idiot, didn't think he could ever be such an insensitive a**hole!
Ex bf: When are you going to sit down and say to your parents "Mum and Dad, I've made some dumb decisions in my life..."
Me: (interrupts) I did not CHOOSE for this to happen!
Ex bf: Well you chose to hang out with him
Me: Well you don't expect your friends to do that to you, not like it's on their resume for you to know beforehand! Anyway, now you know why I get so scared and the reason for my anxiety
Exbf: Well you need to get over it.
Me: Well that's easy for you to say isn't it!
What an idiot, didn't think he could ever be such an insensitive a**hole!
