I've posted some of my Top Stupidest Comments before but this one is another majorly stupid comment and worthy of the Top. Its kind of a long story and requires some extra info for full impact.
So a little back story. One year ago I left my significant other who had been sexually assaulting and raping me during a significant portion of our relationship. I didn't leave him because of that. It was part of it but it wasn't the straw that broke the camels back. And that really added to my sense of isolation and shame but I was trying to combat this by reaching out to people. After the break up the ex and I had an argument where he basically tried to blame his recently confessed cheating on the fact that I had refused to have sex with him for a long time. I reminded him that I had refused the sex because he'd been sexually assaulting me and that he agreed to give me time to heal, as much time as it took to heal and that was why we stopped having sex. After this argument I was really confused and starting to question myself. So I logged on to the free RAINN crisis chat and talked to one of the Rape Counselors. She straightened my head back on for me and gave me clear definitions of what sexual assault and rape were so I could figure out what had happened to me. She validated my tentative affirmation that "No means no" and he should have respected that. And that I shouldn't have to repeat no a million times.
At that point I felt a little stronger and so I called my best friend. I was crying I was so devastated and shaken up by everything. I told her about the RAINN conversation and I told her how ashamed and disturbed I was by the fact that I broke up with my abuser for OTHER reasons...not the sexual assault and/or rape. I can't remember much but she seemed supportive at the time.
A few weeks later I talk to her about how I was thinking of going to the police. She discouraged that deeply and said that they wouldn't do anything. I said I wasn't sure about that since he had written a confession and I had a witness on several occasions but I would talk it over with a counselor when I could afford to visit one again.
Fast forward 1 year. The ex and the abuse is on my mind a lot. I see things that trigger me and I am thinking of him a lot. Missing him even. My friend and I have a conversation about that where she acts entitled and indignant that she didn't have my abuser in her life as a friend anymore. She said something else that seemed frustrating and crazy at the time but I can't recall what it was at this moment.
A week later I'm planning on bringing up the crazy thing she said and when the conversation kind of turns toward this general topic I go into a long conversation about the sexual assault and how I'd been visiting support forums and feeling a LOT better about things. (This was not the first and only time I talked about what happened specifically with her but this is the most graphic and specific I'd been so far.) The following mind-blowing conversation results:
Her: ~murmurs something about this being new info~
Her: This is the first time I'm hearing about this. I didn't realize until now that you meant he really sexually assaulted you.
Me: How? I've been referring to it as sexual assault for a whole year now?
Her: Yeah but remember that time that you told me that he pulled your hands off your head and you felt raped? I thought you were talking about things like that. I thought you meant it as a metaphor.
Me: ~stunned silence~ ..... Wow. I had no idea that you didn't realize that. I actually forgot that incident even happened. .... ~more stunned silence~ ...For the record he used his hands, mouth and penis to sexually assault and rape me in my private areas. This happened. With his physical body and my physical body and it is not a metaphor.
(Also AFTER this she said that she still considered him her friend. And furthermore that she'd just accepted him being a liar and acting like he liked her but behind her back discouraging me from being her friend and actually making fun of her. I didn't even have the heart to go into specifics with that and just said that he had misrepresented his true feelings toward her. After THAT she still maintained he was one of her best friends.)
Then, I kind of accepted that it seemed reasonable that she believed it might have been a metaphor. I thought it was odd because I'd been so explicit here and there about it. But I thought "Ok. This makes her weird behavior make a little more sense." However that night I realized that I'd forgotten about talking to her about wanting to go to the police. (What kind of a normal person would say they were going to charge someone with rape or sexual assault for simply pulling your hands away from your head? This makes me think she believes me to be some kind of a lunatic who is overly dramatic and incompetent. Why is she even friends with someone she must believe is such a lunatic?) I remembered the police thing and then I recalled that I'd mentioned to her that I had to talk to RAINN to clarify that what happened was real and that I wasn't just crazy (as he was trying to make me out to be at the time). And it begs the second set of questions: Who hears that the RAINN (standing for RAPE ABUSE and INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK) counselors confirm sexual assault and even rape and then decides that their friend must REALLY mean it was a metaphor? Did she think that the RAINN counselor was simply confused and couldn't see that it was really a metaphor? Did she think I was lying to them to get pity? Lying about even contacting them so I could have extra "validation" of the potency of feeling behind my "rape metaphor"??
The whole thing is just crazy and stupid and I hardly know what to make of it or what to do about it now. I've kind of avoided talking to her too much. (Although I have talked to her enough to be supportive and validating about HER sexual assault when she didn't say no and struggled to validate the experience herself. Her abuser coerced her into having sex and I said that to me, and to the books I've been reading, that is rape.) It just makes me so so so so sooo sad that this person is my best friend and this seems like a big reflection of how she feels about me and my general worth to her.
(edited for grammar)
Edited by Violet~Iris, 02 August 2011 - 05:18 PM.