Posted 05 January 2015 - 04:14 PM
Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking it was unfair for them to assume I would be okay with it, and that it's okay that I definitely wasn't comfortable with it.
They mentioned at the reception desk that the nurse had a medical student with her and would I be willing for the student to do it. I said I'd rather it was the nurse but they didn't mention it was a male medical student. So when I got into the room I was shocked to be faced with two people, one of whom was male and totally forgot about what I'd been practicing about explaining why this appointment would be difficult for me.
I was asked again about the med student doing it as reception obviously hadn't passed on my wishes. When I said no again I assumed he would leave the room but he stayed so he could give me 'moral support' and learn from how the nurse talked to me etc. Bless him, he was trying to be supportive but it was the worst possible scenario for my first smear test to be looking up at a man's face whilst in such a vulnerable position. I wish I'd asked him to leave at that point but I couldn't get the words out and didn't want to cause trouble.
She started trying to jam the speculum into me but it was all too familiar and I felt I was back there being raped again. There's something so powerless about the position and not being in control of what's going inside you. I tensed up and she couldn't get it in anyway. I was a crying mess by this point so she stopped and let me sit up. She asked if I wanted to try again. I said no and got out of there as quickly as I could. I partly wish I'd tried again but I doubt it would have been any easier as there was no way back from how I felt. I couldn't just switch off my thoughts and feelings.
I really hope this doesn't put anyone else off having a smear. Please learn from my mistakes and make sure you're comfortable in the environment before they begin. I can't help but think it would've been different if the medical student hadn't been there and I'd been able to tell the nurse what I'd rehearsed. She was lovely and the med student didn't do anything wrong, I was the only problem. However I can't help but feel angry that I had extra obstacles in what was always going to be a difficult appointment. I've not seen a med student ever before! Just typical!
I can't even begin to think about booking another test but I know this will be hanging over me if I don't do it at some point.