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for those who didn't call it rape

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#61 kittykat

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Posted 16 March 2008 - 04:13 AM

I was raped 12 years ago, but it has taken up to these last few weeks to call it that and even then I can type it but not say it.

I find admitting that that's what it was opened a lot of old wounds and makes it seem all to real. Covering it up with 'I was attacked or something bad happened' hurt far less some how.

I struggled for years with the fact that I felt I had got myself into that situation by staying over at my b/f house that night. That topped with the fact I didn't leave before it got too far.

In hindsight and after several years of counselling I know that I couldn't have known what was going to happen and I was drunk so not as able to think clearly as I may otherwise have done. But these are the things that haunt me to this day.

Looking back maybe I would have been further down the road to healing if I had been able to name it for what it was sooner rather than hiding behind something else. Equally I don't think I was ready to do that until fairly recently.

Regardless of these things whatever I call it I can't go back and change it, and either way I live with the person that I am because of it rather than the person I was before it. Whatever it is called for anyone of of us, and each of our situations are different. We all live with the fallout from it.


#62 astralvigilante

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Posted 07 April 2008 - 03:29 AM

What if someone was stalking you/seemed to have some pretty creepy sick malicious intentions toward you/harassed you for a long while and you have reasonable suspicion that rape may have been attempted/the goal of the person's advances, but you don't know?

#63 abby

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Posted 08 April 2008 - 01:23 AM

I don't know if anything would've changed. No one would've believed me in the end.

#64 Stephanie

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Posted 08 April 2008 - 01:39 AM

Hey abby,

I am sorry that others have not given you the support that you deserved - you are believed here hon.

take care


#65 AnnaJo

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Posted 08 April 2008 - 06:31 AM

I spent years directing a sesnse of disgust at myself for the "grey area" acts that occured before what I actually considered to be rape. I don't know that it woulf have changed anything, but I can't help but wonder if I would have gotten out sooner if I had called it what it was. And even if I still stayed, maybe I wouldn't hve spent all that time thinking I was the bad one for going along wth what he wanted.

#66 ladyshen92

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Posted 02 August 2009 - 04:17 PM

Thanks for this post..because I never really thought about it at first.
My mum used the word rape but I just denied it to myself. Although I knew it had happened and I never gave consent, I was just restrained
I'm glad i joined this site because I can now take the first step and admit it.


#67 soulsearcher

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Posted 25 August 2009 - 04:14 AM

I can call it what it was in writing and through art, but can't bring myself to put the words "I was" in front of it. I choke on it every time and it becomes "I was hurt" or "when that happened". The fact is, it happened a lot over several years when I was a child. It's an ugly word describing an ugly act, but it is what it is.

Saying it out loud doesn't sound good, but I think if I can learn to use it as a more normal word, it may lessen the power that it has over me. It's definitely on my goal list...to be able to say it and know that it doesn't own me anymore.

#68 Forgethim

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 07:33 PM

If he had my consent, then what was it? It doesn't count as sexual assault, rape or sexual abuse, isn't it?

#69 Samantha_T

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 11:11 PM

In my case I went to him, to have sex with him and even willingly allowed him to enter my body. Then for some personal reasons decided that I wanted him to stop, but be didn't. I have a girlfriend that told me she didn't consider it to be rape because I allowed him to enter my body.

#70 Samantha_T

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 11:12 PM

In my case I went to him, to have sex with him and even willingly allowed him to enter my body. Then for some personal reasons decided that I wanted him to stop, but be didn't. I have a girlfriend that told me she didn't consider it to be rape because I allowed him to enter my body.

I'm so sorry for posting it twice. The first time it said that an error occurred while I was posting it and I didn't think it posted, so I posted it again. Now I can't get it back off. :confused:

Edited by Samantha_T, 20 November 2009 - 11:22 PM.

#71 sickandtired

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Posted 13 January 2010 - 08:50 PM

I guess i don't use the term r*pe for two reasons
1) My attacker didn't get a chance to do what he wanted. He was interupted and as much as i was saved from that additional experience, i don't know if it makes it any better.
2) I don't want to make myself seem like a victim. I don't know i guess its stupid because i still need help, and I'm not saying that those who do call it that are calling themselves victims, i just don't like the label.

#72 welshspirit

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Posted 07 March 2010 - 05:31 PM

for years i was in denial. my ex husband was physically and mentally abusing me. he used rape as a punishment. i didnt think it was rape because we where married now i realise i was wrong and that it was definately out and out rape.

#73 MMarie

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Posted 11 April 2010 - 10:04 PM

Oh wow. So much would have been different...and I only denied it for like a year and a half!

But during that year and a half, I would have taken a lot better care of myself.
I would have been able to get therapy for a while at least, because I still had insurance for the first 9 months after the rape.
I probably wouldn't have ever spoken to my rapist again. That would have saved me a lot of grief. I definitely wouldn't have had sex with him again. That would have saved me even more grief.
I wouldn't have had sex with everyone who asked during that year and a half...and on a related note, I wouldn't have accepted a date with a certain guy I wasn't attracted to, and then HE wouldn't have had the chance to assault me. But then again, as the events really happened, that second assault was the emotional prompt I needed to fully admit that the first one was rape. So I guess we're full circle.

Oh, and another thing, although I can't say this with certainty...I recently had to "break up with" (so to speak) my male best friend because of his total refusal to take "no" for an answer on the sex issue (in fact, he was about the only person I COULD say "no" to, because I loved him as a friend)...but if I had called what happened "rape" when I was friends with him, maybe he wouldn't have done that. Maybe we'd still be friends. Maybe we would have had a healthy friendship. But that's tough to call.

#74 Caracola

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Posted 04 July 2010 - 03:21 PM

I didn't even know what my mother was doing was wrong until I started dating. Rape and abuse sounds so harsh--I think a big part of it is because of TV/media present it. Subcounciously, I equated rape with forced intrusion and abuse with violence. I didn't even know what to call it, so I tried to shrug it off--did my bout of crying and tried to go on with my life... until now, when everything is kind of falling apart.

For me, the best label I have right now for what happened is molestation. But even if I had allowed myself to call it molestation six years ago, I may have been able to avoid a so many things... including sticking with my ex when he really was a self-indulging jerk-- I'm still finding out how much of my behavior has been influenced by my experience. Most of all, I think I would have started on the healing path a lot earlier, and spared myself feeling bad for wanting to keep a physical boundary between my mother and I during family gatherings.

#75 guest567

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Posted 20 August 2010 - 06:52 PM

Thanks so much for this thread it is so useful and i can now see how some people who have been abused and raped might not yet be ready to label it for what it is.
my confusion of was it or wasn't it and self blame stops me from moving forward.

I was surrounded by people on a youth group camp when he first touched me and i started to talk to the youth group members as though i didn't like it and the response was to tell me off and explain to me that if i never wanted it i would have dumped him. My constant attempts to dump him ended up with me stealing him from his girlfriend and sinning cause he kept touching me and they kept telling me off for it. i get confused between how i felt and how the youth group members assumed i felt, there is no way i could be the only right person there and everyone else be wrong. also i ended up obedient to everything he asked me to do including consent. So it is really hard for me to label it without denial and self blame.
It is useful for me to see others who can label it for what it is.

Edited by guest567, 20 August 2010 - 08:00 PM.

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