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for those who didn't call it rape

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#46 Kwanfan

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Posted 04 July 2007 - 02:01 AM

Lissa You could say to him that in response to "they were interviewing prisoners" that these were the guys whose victims reported it and were caught. There are plenty of men on the street today who have done exactly the same things and are not in prison and who think the same way. I am sure of it.

As for the original question of the thread, WOW.
I think of what I would have changed and I am not real sure. I did not call my incidents rape either. I still today after 15 years away from my ex have a hard time believing that it was rape. As one post said, if I admit it was rape, then it makes me more damaged. I am freaking out quite a bit since I have begun to admit the real truth. It is like admitting I was so screwed up instead of thinking I was able to keep it all together for all those wasted years with him. If I had labeled these incidents as rape from the beginning, perhaps I would not have stayed around as long while the incidents continued to become more humiliating and degrading and more forceful leading up to the night when I was forced to beg my ex to hurt me which he did. By choosing to stay with him all those years, I could not admit rape and he was controlling me in every aspect of my life including in bed, because if I admitted it, then I was everything he called me and deserved everything he did to me because I did not leave. Even today, I say to myself "It was not that bad, really." Because it is hard to face the fact that it was bad and I did stay for so long. If I had admitted it as rape, perhaps I would not have suffered such a bad period of depression after I finally got rid of him as if I were grieving for the lost relationship or the loss of my love for him which he killed. You would think I would have been relieved yet I felt such a sense of loss in my life. A big hole and a lot of years spent all for nothing.
Also, if I had admitted it back then and got away from him because of it, then perhaps I would not have been such a doormat when another guy came along who raped me and tried to manipulate me. I would have recognized the signs of a controlling man and gotten away. Instead this man ended up leaving me. So I could not even admit that he raped me either because I was unsure how to leave him, too. To my credit, I did know early on that somehow I needed to leave and it did not take me 7 years to realize it with another 3 years trying to get away for good. This relationship was only a few short months. But how long would it have been if he had not left and gone to Miami? How long would I have stayed and how many more times would he have raped me?
As one poster said, admitting to rape is like admitting I am a failure. So now all these years later I am dealing with the fact that I failed. Failed at the relationship-not necessarily my fault, but failing at protecting myself and getting out-yes my fault.
So my question is this: is it easier to say it was rape if it was some stranger attacking you versus someone you knew and possibly loved? I wonder about this. What would I say if it had been a stranger instead of a man who asked me to marry him or the other boyfriend?

#47 Stephanie

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Posted 04 July 2007 - 03:15 AM

So my question is this: is it easier to say it was rape if it was some stranger attacking you versus someone you knew and possibly loved? I wonder about this. What would I say if it had been a stranger instead of a man who asked me to marry him or the other boyfriend?

Personally yes I think it is easier. Stranger rape tends to fit better into the media's representation of what rape is. Despite the fact that most women are raped by someone they know society still does not acknowledge this.

#48 Tania

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Posted 04 July 2007 - 03:52 AM

What might have changed for me had i called any of the incidents rape at the time is i may not have been silent for so many years about it.

Stranger rape tends to fit better into the media's representation of what rape is. Despite the fact that most women are raped by someone they know society still does not acknowledge this.

Steph, i back this up 100%, i totally agree, it even shows in sentencing, the stranger rape sentences are tending to be much longer than the rapes by known persons.

one wonders how long it will take the rest of society to wake up. :angry:


#49 Camellia

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Posted 04 July 2007 - 08:52 AM

Probably nothing to answer the original question. I would still have been hurt, depressed, forgiving, lenient. I would still have attempted to talk to him about those incidents, been patient, persevering, loyal in not telling (wish I had told my then-best friend, who's male btw). He would still have tried to justify himself and not given me a true apology. He would still have been seen as the nice guy. I would still have lost conception of physical boundaries afterward, leading to bad situations. I'd still have tried to break up with him, and exhausted by his clinginess, would have finally cheated on him.
Oh well. :)


#50 Kwanfan

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Posted 04 July 2007 - 10:22 AM

one wonders how long it will take the rest of society to wake up. :angry:


Society will only wake up a hundred years after women finally get to run everything: when women make up the majority of world leaders, politicians, and CEO's intstead of just a small percentage. Men and their inferior superiority complex :P just cannot allow women to actually run everything and dictate laws and attitudes. I firmly believe that man as a gender has a deep-seated feeling of inferiority which causes man as a gender to want to dominate all around them including other genders, races, countries, religions. The world would be a much more peaceful place if women were in charge.

Edited by Kwanfan, 04 July 2007 - 10:23 AM.

#51 Lissa

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Posted 04 July 2007 - 06:48 PM

So my question is this: is it easier to say it was rape if it was some stranger attacking you versus someone you knew and possibly loved? I wonder about this. What would I say if it had been a stranger instead of a man who asked me to marry him or the other boyfriend?

I read that, yes, people who are attacked by strangers are more likely to call it rape. And yeah, professional theories to explain this are that they feel confident to report it because people they are more likely to be believed, since their incident matches the images most often presented.
Also, it tends to be the case that people who are attacked by a stranger before being threatened by attack by an aquaintance are more likely to get out of the situation with the person they know more quickly, because they recognize the signs and feelings. People who are attacked first by people they know do not recognize or legitimize their anxiety.

#52 abby

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Posted 10 July 2007 - 10:17 PM

I truly don't think it would've changed anything. I know it would've been turned back on me, everything.

#53 Tinkerbell

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Posted 11 July 2007 - 04:27 PM

I didn't call it rape straight away. In fact I have only been able to actually say the word rape for about a month. I wasn't sure if I had been raped. To put it bluntly I woke up naked and sore next to my friends flat mate with no memory of what had actually happened (I now suspect he spiked my drink). Physically I knew what had happened but mentally I didn't, my mind kept telling me that nothing had happened, that I didn't consent to it or want it or remember it so how could it have happened?

When I told my GP what had happened she asked me if I thought I had been raped and I was really shocked that she said it... I don't know why, as when I look back on it now I realise that that was what it was. I told her that I couldn't remember what had happened and so it was possible that I gave consent. She didn't refer me for counselling, for sexual health screening, anything.... she looked at me like I was crazy and suggested that I perhaps talk to someone at uni about it!

I referred myself to the uni counselling service thinking that they too would think I was crazy but that they could perhaps do something about it. They were really good about everything. My counsellor gave me information about drink spiking and he told me that there was no doubt in his mind that that was what had happened. In the end I was referred to my local rape crisis centre and for the screening after finally accepting that I probably had been raped.

So to answer your question, I think I would have recieved help alot quicker if I had just called it rape from the start, if I had just accepted it from the start instead of being in denial... But it is so difficult to accept sometimes and even now I doubt myself :confused: . I'm confusing myself now, I'm not even sure if that makes any sense? Sorry if it doesn't

#54 Merrie

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Posted 11 July 2007 - 10:44 PM

I didn't consider either of my rapes "Rapes" until much later. And even after I did call the first one rape, I thought that since it had been 3 years and I had been "ok" to that point that just naming it would be enough. I think if I could have named it right away, things would have been much better. However, I still think I was afraid to tell anyone because they would say "that wasn't rape".

My second rape I didn't actually think of rape until after I joined Pandy's last year. It was a sexual experience that I always knew was not right somehow, particularly since I don't remember it at all. And it is a very confusing experience, since I said no repeatedly, but he continued and then (here is where it's confusing to me) due to being afraid of his roommates walking in on us (as he would be raping me), I willingly walked into his room with him (this is where my memory fails--I don't even know when I left or how I got home). But recently, I was on a different (non survivor) forum dealing with marital issues, and due to the relative anonymity of the forum, I shared about this rape (long story why), and a man replied to me "That would be rape, you said no. You don't have to keep repeating it." And that was very affirming to me, and helped in a way that I didn't expect in a place I didn't expect. I think with this one, I have a good chance of healing from it despite not working on it for so long. It was less traumatic, I think, somehow.

#55 Sarahann

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Posted 21 July 2007 - 07:18 PM

I definitely did not call what happened rape until about 3-4 years after it happened (and I still cannot verbally call it that). I think I just kind of blocked it out or whenever someone asked that knew I called it sexual harassment. I figured I was to blame, hence it could not be rape. When I started to realize that something bad did really happen that i couldn't control, I didn't want to label it because then it had to be true, and I couldn't deal with it if it were true. What happened to me, while it was stranger rape, didn't seem to fit into society's idea of what rape was (no one I meet seems to think rape is anything more than just sex and if you were raped by a stranger you must have dressed provocatively, been somewhere you shouldn't been, been drunk, not paying attention, or done something to have deserved it) and so I felt (and still feel) isolated... I can never seem to find any information/books on stranger rape either - most books out there deal with CSA and date/acquiantance/spouse rape/intimate partner violence. It is hard to see it as rape when it is hard to find others who have the same situation. Plus being stalked and raped again by the original stranger throughout school makes it seem like it was my fault, and if it was my fault it wasn't rape - why didn't I do anything?

#56 firstperson

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Posted 18 August 2007 - 09:40 AM

I don't seem to be able to call what happened to me rape. If I heard my story from someone else, no problem, but because it was me... I dunno... I can't use that word. I can dance around the fringes, "abuse, assault, hurt" though even that's difficult.

#57 debut520

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Posted 18 December 2007 - 09:58 PM

If I hadn't have immediately gone from shock to denial and self blame and then blocked in out completely, I would have called it rape and asked my friends to call the police or take me to the ER. I was simply out with my friends celebrating my 21st birthday. HE followed me into the restroom and HE attacked me. Why on EARTH didn't I call the police??! I took a shower and washed away all that evidence. I'm still so angry with myself. Seriously, its taken me 13 years to finally call it what it was. I'm so angry with myself its ridiculous. And WHY didn't my stupid "friends" put 2 and 2 together and call the cops FOR me??

Rape is such a horrible and harsh word. I always feel a numbing shockwave jolt through my body when I hear the word out loud. I sometimes think that SA is much easier to say out loud..... Rape implies the ultimate loss of control and I am too stubborn to give anyone that satisfaction. I just have a hard time admitting that type of vulnerability.

Edited by debut520, 18 December 2007 - 10:02 PM.

#58 Janet49

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Posted 01 January 2008 - 05:09 PM

When I was 20, a priest raped me at a retreat. I had been told by another priest this was the safe place to do my fifths step, which is to confess to God, yourself and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. I carefully made my list. I was honest, and it was hard. I confessed to having had premarital sex. The priest was nice at first, then asked me increasingly graphic questions. He began calling me nasty names; I was so shocked and shamed and just wantet to get it back to what it was supposed to be- a healing experience. He told me to take off my pants and I did- I ddint' want to, but he had so much authority and I had already been sexually abused by my dad. He touched me, said awful things, got on top of me and had sex with me.
I couldn't believe it was happening. I had embraced my faith, and we were taught priests were celibate, and that we needed them to receive God's grace, that they were, essentially, our road to God.
So I initially framed this as me being so bad that I had caused a holy man to sin.
I literally could not speak during or after the attack.
It has only been within the last year or so that I have realized this was rape.

Had I known earlier, I would not have taken to heart the horrible things he said to me: that I was a contaminent and a trap, among others. I would not have constantly felt the need to prove that I was good. I would have enjoyed more ease in my relationships. I would have had more success in my work.

I knew I didn't want to do anything like that with him, a revolting 67-year-old priest. But I didn't know it was rape.
Now I know and I'm not shutting up ever again.

#59 desperate04

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Posted 10 March 2008 - 08:49 PM

[size="3"]I can relate to this at the age of ten my cousin penetrated me.i denied him raping me since it only last for a few seconds.I was sexually molested for years by my neighbour and i denied it happening more than once too.I told everyone and still do he attempted to rape.I never tell anyone his big penis went in me.A few weeks ago when i join thisa hotline i realized it was rape but i am still ashamed to tell he raped me.[I feel so stupid and cheat

#60 angel03

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Posted 15 March 2008 - 05:18 PM

I think if I had called it rape right after it happened things would have been different. Instead I pushed it away, and denied it was anything at all. The fact it was a girl and a penis wasn't what penetrated me also made me feel it wasn't REALLY rape, sexual assault, or anything. Denying it made me stay with her for 4 months afterwards. I think if I had acknowledged what happened I would've ended the relationship, I would've told my T not long after it happened, and started to heal sooner. But I can't change the past, and I am healing now. I still can't say it sometimes, I said it outloud in T for the first time three weeks ago.

I think also in regard to my childhood abuse, again if I had understood and known what happened to me was sexual abuse, I might have gotten help a looong time ago. But again I cannot change the past and I am getting help now.

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