<i>IT is interesting the connection between validation and healing - does healing depend on who is around you at the time? Who knows.</i>
It <b>does</b> depend on who is around you. My gf and several people here have helped me heal from things that have tormented me since I was a child. A part of me was not in very good shape.
I'd never told anyone about my assault before. I didn't want to call it ANYTHING. I didn't want to acknowledge that it happened. I didn't tell anyone about any of the things that happened in the year following. Nobody ever heard about it. I didn't tell anyone about my own fears that I didn't even know my own sexuality.
I fall between two worlds, one where being masculine means only being <b>Masculine</b>. Do you think I could call this anything at all in that world? That would mean acknowledging that a man was attracted to me. Then I'd have to explain <i>why</i> a man would be attracted to me. They would not have understood. Now I could care less.
If I had called it sexual assault privately to a counsellor, I think it would have saved me years of useless worry, self-doubt, recrimination, risk taking ... I would have had so much less to prove to myself. There is one good thing, though. It's allowed me to have the friendship of many gay men and women, to understand that gender or preference isn't what determines whether a person is a predator.
I had predatory people, men <i>and</i> women, hitting on me from a pretty young age. What was with me? Maybe I had a vulnerable quality. Maybe I still do, because it still happens, but in different ways. Maybe if I had been able to talk to a counsellor I could have understood better and saved a lot of grief.
(Edited by dream of water at 3:09 pm on May 20, 2003)