(((love to ALL)))~
this is definately a thinker... good question Stefka!
i've had a couple different experiences with this so its hard to get my thoughts straight.
at 16, after being raped and sodomized, i escaped to the main high way and a 7-11. i used the pay phone to call my best friend. i can still hear my voice to her on the phone "he raped me". it sounded so harsh and brutal to my own ears that i wasn't able to say it again for weeks. i was taken to the hospitol and treated for cuts,abrasions, bruising and swelling but i couldn't call it rape. the paperwork says 'patient states "attacked"'. the adrenaline of my immediate escape had given voice to my truth, then it was frozen in the deeper workings of escape, the blocking of reality. now ,after years of doubt, there isn't another word i can think of to describe what transpired between us.
almost three years later i passed out at a new year's eve party and woke up with a man inside of me. for the extent of the time that i was awake, i moved myself into a position which recreated my first rape and passed out again. there is NO WAY i gave consent to this man. some part of my subconscious recognized it as rape and wouldn't allow me to feel the pain. i went on a very strange search for the truth that was ultimately EXTREMELY damaging just to find out what i had already locked away inside my brain. five years later, i know it was rape.
in present times, my therapist calls what my bf has done to me "rape". she argues that eventually i will be able to see it for what it is. this is a strange concept to me now, that she should think this, cuz i KNOW it is wrong what he has done... but he had my consent when he started. i prefer to think of it as abuse of power. when i told her this, her next question was, "isn't that what rape is?". left me feeling kinda floored.
i guess what i am trying to say is that i think SOME doubt is almost INEVITABLE... even under the most obvious of circumstances. i think that external danger causes us to recognize the truth and once we are in a safe place again, we try our best to protect ourselves from the reality of the experience. basically, and Bailey asked this, i understand that even when we KNOW it is rape... sometimes it just hurts TOO BAD to let it in. healing is required before the wound can be explored and named for what it is. Bailey, in answer to your question, i think it is possible that you feel wounded by your early recognition because it is at odds with this very basic and overiding survival mechanism we call denial. that it just a thought but i hope that it helps some. i look forward to reading more perspectives on this subject. Stefka, thankyou once again for opening the discussion~