Posted 21 May 2010 - 03:16 AM
It can be really hard to define and name your experience sometimes. One thing that has helped me was to ask myself this: if what happened had been freely given consensual sex, would I even for a second be pondering if it was rape afterwards? Hell no, I'd probably be feeling great and quite happy with myself! That what happened has led you to joining a rape survivor site makes me think that quite possibly, what happened was on the opposite end of the scale from consensual. It's important that YOU are the one to name your experience - when somebody is raped, they have had their control taken away. For some survivors they can feel that their control has been taken a second time if people define their experience before they are able to do it for themselves. So I won't label this experience for you, but it doesn't sound to me like what happened was freely offered - you were drunk, cloudy-headed, he answered for you and decided for you that you weren't too drunk (how could he possibly ever know that??), and he acted dismissively of what he was doing, making out "nothing's happening!" even when it is, leaving you feeling like you can't really make a fuss because after all, "nothing's happening". That really does not sound like freely offered, respectful sex to me. Take as much of my opinion as you want, and leave what you don't, and know that somebody who has had a great sexual encounter, or at least a sexual encounter where the boundaries of all involved have been respected, don't need to ponder the next day "was that rape?". The fact that you feel better when you call it rape is a guide, and perhaps a sign that while your perception of what "real rape" is may be influenced by what society tells us it is (rape by a stranger in a dark alley, that kind of scenario), your mind is telling you something else. Listen to what your mind is telling you, and you will find what is right for you.
Take gentle care of yourself,