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A rose by any other name?

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#46 mockingbird

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Posted 03 July 2009 - 11:16 PM

I can't say the words... I just can't... If I do it makes it real. :cry:

#47 silkworm

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Posted 02 August 2009 - 07:23 PM

I seem to be the opposite of pretty much everyone here. I generally say it as it is, or just don't say it/ the bit in question at all. I don't like the words "abuse" or "assault" as i dunno... they seem so ingrained in our society now that people dont' tend to get the whole... terror? of what happened. Generally I pretty much say "I was raped as a child" or something. Sorry, but yeah.

If I'm telling someone I trust enough to know, I dont want to waste effort sugar-coating everything. By the same value that if said person decides to ask me something, I'd rather they said it straight. Lets you both know where the other one stands.

bizarrely i'm still at the major point of minimalising everything at the same time too. don't ask how they fit together! :shy:

#48 HoneyHeart

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Posted 03 August 2009 - 11:17 AM

I took me a while to tell anybody about what happened, and i for years i always referred to it as "that thing that happened to me as a child".

I went through a phase where i was finding it very hard to cope, was still at school and being bullied and i would take to being very blunt. I think the logic behind that was that if i just said what it was, maybe with a hint of anger, then it wouldn't feel so painful. Now i tend to say that i was sexually abused which led on to me being raped as a child, but by then most people already feel bad! :rolleyes:

During those first few years when people knew, if i heard the term "rape" or "sexual abuse" i would freeze and my heart would skip a beat, i just couldn't deal with it. Now, it's much easier to deal with. I think whatever the victim or person speaking on behalf of the victim is comfortable saying should be said. To be honest, i couldn't give a damn how uncomfortable it might make other people feel to hear that word because I've done enough thinking about that.

#49 MelK

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Posted 06 May 2010 - 04:51 PM

I seem to be the opposite of pretty much everyone here. I generally say it as it is, or just don't say it/ the bit in question at all. I don't like the words "abuse" or "assault" as i dunno... they seem so ingrained in our society now that people dont' tend to get the whole... terror? of what happened.

I'm with you, silkworm. No-one can understand the terror unless they've been through it, but at least we can use words that seem to carry something of that with them. I sometimes use "trauma" because it was. I was completely traumatised.

#50 lighthouse

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Posted 06 May 2010 - 05:36 PM

This is a difficult one for me.

Like i can refer to abuse and rape for others, refer to abuse for myself, but cant accept raped as a child for myself.

My T was talking this week about a flashback we had talked about and was trying to reach some of feelings around it (which i cant seem to get to) - she re-worded it and said "on that day when they raped you, raped the nine year old child" and i was like "no, you cant say that" - it just felt so wrong to be calling it that - for myself - rape is something that happenes to adults and abuse is something that happens to a child - just the only way it can sit safely in my head.


#51 Kseudonym

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Posted 21 May 2010 - 01:06 AM

I'm struggling at the moment with whether what happened to me was actually rape. I know I didn't want to do it, but I was a little scared of him and quite mentally fuzzy due to drink, so I didn't put up much resistance at all, and I didn't say the word 'no'. I just said that I thought I was going to be too drunk (he said I wasn't) and 'I don't know what you expect to happen' in a kind of 'nothing is happening' tone of voice.

But I think the main thing that makes me think it definitely was is that I actually feel better if I call it rape in my head, because anything else feels wrong. Surely there's only one situation in which it's better to think of something that happened to you as rape than not - when it actually was.

I don't know.

#52 Kate

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Posted 21 May 2010 - 03:16 AM

Hi Kseudonym,

It can be really hard to define and name your experience sometimes. One thing that has helped me was to ask myself this: if what happened had been freely given consensual sex, would I even for a second be pondering if it was rape afterwards? Hell no, I'd probably be feeling great and quite happy with myself! That what happened has led you to joining a rape survivor site makes me think that quite possibly, what happened was on the opposite end of the scale from consensual. It's important that YOU are the one to name your experience - when somebody is raped, they have had their control taken away. For some survivors they can feel that their control has been taken a second time if people define their experience before they are able to do it for themselves. So I won't label this experience for you, but it doesn't sound to me like what happened was freely offered - you were drunk, cloudy-headed, he answered for you and decided for you that you weren't too drunk (how could he possibly ever know that??), and he acted dismissively of what he was doing, making out "nothing's happening!" even when it is, leaving you feeling like you can't really make a fuss because after all, "nothing's happening". That really does not sound like freely offered, respectful sex to me. Take as much of my opinion as you want, and leave what you don't, and know that somebody who has had a great sexual encounter, or at least a sexual encounter where the boundaries of all involved have been respected, don't need to ponder the next day "was that rape?". The fact that you feel better when you call it rape is a guide, and perhaps a sign that while your perception of what "real rape" is may be influenced by what society tells us it is (rape by a stranger in a dark alley, that kind of scenario), your mind is telling you something else. Listen to what your mind is telling you, and you will find what is right for you.

Take gentle care of yourself,

#53 supergirl03

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Posted 01 June 2012 - 06:20 PM

For some reason, I find myself looking through the discussion boards and I found myself staring at this title "A rose by any other name". Before I even clicked on it to read the posts, I knew exactly what it meant.

I can't say "those" words. I can't. My therapist says them and I cringe. Just like some of the individuals posted on here, I say the words in my head, I see the letters very clearly in my mind. The letters and words are almost life-like. They take over me. They make me panic. I freeze with fear. Hopelessness washes over me. Tears begin to build...but I refuse to let them fall. Control. Saying "those" words mean I have no control...they mean I had no control over what happened and that is something I am still struggling with. I have been in therapy for 2 years to specifically deal with these abuse I encountered...I go once a week and sometimes even twice a week but I still feel responsible. I still think I could have stopped it..."If I wouldn't have gone in the bathroom nothing would have happened".

I have bipolar disorder and am going thru a hypomanic episode right now. Which means lots of racing thoughts...and unfortunately, tonight, they are not the "happy racing thoughts" I crave but rather my thoughts consist of self-loathing panic. I was doing so well...but when I feel this frenetic energy trapped inside my soul I feel like a massive failure.

I want all of these memories to go away. I want the fear to go away. I want the words, meanings, images and feelings to go away. How ridiculous is it that mere words evoke so much. With my mania, words repeat at rapid fire in my head...it is so overwhelming. I want it all to go away.

#54 TimeForChange

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Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:04 AM

This is my first post other than an introduction. I think I was drawn to it because I am working up to telling my story and that involves words and words have power.

These posts remind me of how difficult it is for me to truly put myself out there. I worry about what people will think and so what words I choose to describe my experiences matter - for how I think of myself, how others think of me.

I used to hate the word "survivor" - saying it was because I didn't want it to define me, but I believe it was more because it meant there was something to survive.

So for me the thought of having a choice of what to call what happened to me is a positive. I remember when I first admitted to myself what had happened and that I needed help. I rang a service and used "inappropriate touching" - it was clinical and distant. My first contact with a therapist - she named it "abuse" - i couldn't say the word but it gave me strength to believe something "real" had happened and that I wasn't being weak or wimpy to start believing it was wrong.

So now I can at least hear and say "abuse" with my T and have even said it out loud. What is still an issue is what other people understand when you say such things - others have posted "terror" and "trauma" as possibly more meaningful for those outside this group who understand - food for my thoughts.

#55 ray1986

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Posted 09 January 2013 - 07:42 AM

Real words can be hard to say. Perhaps that alone is a sign that it's important to eventually come to a point where we can say them.

#56 johnfinster

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 03:34 PM

It's OK to say I was raped. I was still just a child, and it was brutal, un-welcomed, unwanted, repeated and vile. It stunk of ego, dominance and control.


Saying to a nurturing and supportive group "I was raped" is a very difficult, painful, baby step. It has opened a door though to a bigger world, where I can and should -as an adult - take complete responsibility for what happens to me. 

Edited by johnfinster, 16 January 2015 - 08:58 PM.

#57 upgirl11

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Posted 03 June 2014 - 07:42 PM

Hi I am a new person here. Not sure where to start with stuff like this but here it goes. In high school I was avictim to rape while at a friend's house where she had a party I went to a bedroom to escape from the party and go to sleep I woke up to a stranger on top of me taking my clothes off. I got through that with help from friends and family and counciling. Recently I was a victim of sexual assault I have a fiance and two kids when I explained to my boyfriend what happened he chooses to not believe me because I chose to be out at a bar with my friends having a couple drinks instead he thinks I cheat and asked for it to happen. To me no one asks for that to happen to them n just bc I was out having drinks doesn't mean I wanted that. I guess I just don't understand why he does that n then throws that night in my face like I don't deal with it enough on my own and the one person I need the most chooses to not believe me and does this to me. What should I do? I try to tell him it's not right but he still won't see the truth

#58 Azriel

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Posted 14 June 2014 - 08:28 AM

I trend to see the word rape very differently at different time some times I'm to scared to say it, other times I get enraged and will yell it (HE RAPED ME!!!), which in turn leads me to feel empowered by being able to admit what happened and not feel shame for being raped after all I couldn't control the situation, some times it's a crippling sorrow over innocence lost, some times the word rape is just numbing void of everything, I know there's more but "I" don't know them all right now.

Edited by Azriel, 22 July 2014 - 12:59 PM.

#59 Moonrise

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Posted 05 September 2014 - 12:17 PM

My T helped me say the words. Before that I denied, denied, denied. I looked up the definitions, I tried to say the words but they wouldn't form. I heard my T use them but I still needed time to process them. I think hearing my T say them helped me to validate what I deep down knew was the truth. Saying them would make me confront reality. first I had to admit the truth out loud, that It did happen, then I could use the the words, molested, raped, groomed. At first, I remember feeling deep shame. Now, I say them with no shame but sometimes I still feel a panic and some anxiety that this is really part of my story. It's a journey, this path to healing, isn't it?

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