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    • One night I was hanging out with a friend and some of her friends and we were drinking. During the night she decided to invite a guy we had gone to school with. When he showed up he had shown interest in me and we were hanging out and holding hands and then my friend decided to go off to a bedroom with her boyfriend. At that point I had been drinking alot and I just wanted to go to bed so I walked to the room I was staying in and layer down. The guy had followed me to the room and layer down with me and I was into it at first we just messed around alittle and he took my pants off and I didn't think much of it and then he got on top of me and just stated going. I felt like I was in shock and I didn't know what to do so I acted like I had passed out but he just kept going. He finally got tired and stopped and fell asleep. I remember waking up and being cold but I was. Afraid to get up because I didn't want to wake him. I tried for 2 hours but every time I would slowly move away he would wake up and pull me closer. I finally got up and left my friends house in tears. After that my friend called me names and everything. It was my first time so I don't know what to think. I've played it over and over again in my head and I feel like the whole thing was my fault because I was stupid enough to drink!
    • What bad feelings do you experience? Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression? Can you say why? I've improved a lot in the past year. I've definitely struggled with anger and frustration, with other people for not understanding, with the people who hurt me, and with myself for not dealing with the situation better. Sometimes I feel inert and hopeless because I feel there is no way forward. I feel very scared of the future.

      More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience? Are you a good communicator? Are you able to simply sit and feel your emotions? Can you ask for help when you need it? I don't usually bottle things up. Being too open about my problems can be a strain on my relationships and can even lead to further frustration. However, in the long run, I think it's for the best. I'm trying to learn how to not dump all my issues on other people but still know when to talk when I need to. I do generally ask for help when I need it. In that way, I am a survivor. I've had moments where I want to give up, but I'm the type of person who tends to form plans. These are plans to crawl out of whatever hole I'm in. Sometimes I go around in circles feeling confused and uncertain, but the desire to get better is a strength.

      In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions? Do you paint, draw, write or talk? It's really good to remind myself how far I've come. I like to listen to music. I colored in coloring books a lot, especially a few months after I was abused. I write in my journal. And I feel as though I've talked about things too much, though it has helped. I've written here and on tumblr, I've talked with friends and therapists.
    • I never felt really scared from a stranger but I guess it has to do with the fact that I assaulted members and not so from strangers. O had the fear if being attacked from years and somedays I still have it but I can handle it. I was always ready to fight with anyone and trained myself to knives,guns..anything. In a way I dare to say that I always felt more sad about the fucker who would wanted to messed up with me cause I have so much anger and a use left me with a dark sadistic side.. I am not afraid of kill someone if is in real danger as to be killed.
    • I'm working on figuring out my answer right now. What's helped me has been learning how to box, actually, I like knowing that I might be learning something to help me defend myself. But then I think, wait, I was assaulted by a close friend, I'd never in a million years have my guard up around him. Even if I had specific "anti-rape self defense" it would have happened, because I just wasn't in a state where I could have used it. I'm scared that a friend will do it again. My rapist had hella red flags with how he treated other girls in our friend group who I was also friends with, but I was rarely around to see these, and I've only noticed them in retrospect, so even though I feel 100% about my current friends, I don't feel safe.
    • Even if i tried not to post on this forum for a period of time , this post really hit me in the heart and i knew i just couldn't let it without write i want. Everything i read was true, all these questions about "why didn't fight harder?" "why they did that to you? you were only a kid?" "it's time to forget it and move on" were all phrases for friends , family and T's. The same questions for something who yes, it happened almost eleven years ago, but i still feel scared , vulnerable, angry, in pain , more than ever. Yes, many yeara passed and perhaps i had to be okay by now and living my life but it's not that easy and saying something like that cause they have no idea about this thing or even worse minimizing your feelings and thoughts ... it's just awful. I can understand someone who have no idea or don't want to hear about these things - it's not easy i know - but they can tell you from the beginning about how uncomfortable they feel instead of causing you mre pain, anxiety, disbelief. for something no one of us choose. I certainly didn;t choose to get raped at 6. God , i am so angry cause even if i don't care about others opinions , right now i have to take some huge desicions and i feel overhelmed by emotions cause i have to deal with these attitudes and questions everyday. Ugh, sorry for my ranting here.
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