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I have went for a almost a year without hurting myself but today I failed that....I failed in the worst way I cut again. I have fought the urge many times in the past months and just don't understand why I fell back into that black hole? Why did it take me over again, why did I let the urge win this time. The worst part wasn't the act in itself it was that I had to see my girlfriends face when I told her what I did and she had such high hopes that I would never hurt myself again; this is the first time since we have been together that I hurt myself but sadly I can not tell her it will be the last but it did push me to the edge and I knew I needed to get help that I need to talk to someone about whats in my head to finally start to let out the feelings that I have that I cant always keep them bottled up inside me because when I do I always end up losing the battle. Even though I know these things even though I know that its wrong I still give in, I still let this urge control me even when I try so hard not to. I just wish I knew why I did it again. My life is finally getting back on track..why would I want to do that besides the past coming up to haunt me, and the nightmares, I thought I could control myself. Not only did I fail myself I have failed the woman I love. The worst part being is I don't know if I will lose this same fight again. I am trying to make a new start, trying to regain my life so that I may make it better. It just seems that I may end up hitting rock bottom before I get there. Sorry about being "Debbie downer" but I just cant seem to shake it today.
Source: Relapsed...hate the feeling it gives me.