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What it means to be a survivor

Posted by Juditha , 25 March 2013 · 19 views

I'd never expected to be in this place. I doubt anyone does. Yes, I'd thought before about how it would be like if I was r*ped. What I'd do if I'd end up pregnant. You know, all hypothetically. What if questions. Little did I know about the truth. We're not taught what it feels like to be abused. We are not taught how it feels like to be a survivor. We are not taught how to speak about it, because society has decided that it is an uncomfortable subject to talk about. That it is very common is ignored. That we feel crazy and weird for feeling what apparently is normal, is ignored. That we don't dare to speak up because we're afraid to be blamed is ignored. I didn't know anything, until I realized I was a survivor. A survivor of CSA. Yes, I'd never heard of that term either. It means Child Sexual Abuse. It is one of the things we don't talk about.

I am a survivor. But that means that I doubt that every day. It means that I wonder time after time again whether I made it up. Whether I imagine it. It means that being wrong is just as bad as being right. Or actually, it is better. Because facing what happened is horrible. Is undoable. It means living in denial. Living in fear. Living with hurt. Living with a secret which you feel everyone can see and yet no one sees. It means feeling guilty. It means questioning yourself, minimizing your pain. It means not being able to concentrate. It means realizing that you might have to retake a class, because you are hurt so badly that your mind doesn't remember half of the things you try to learn. It means struggling every single day. It means fighting alone because you don't know who to tell. It means being scared when you disclosed to someone. It means feeling bad. It means having good days from time to time, but that doesn't mean it is going ok. It means sleeping with blankets and stuffed animals. It means having flashbacks, body memories, triggers and panic attacks. It means being alert and feeling like you're losing it and overreacting. It means always having to see the people in the room. It means getting scared by the slightest touch, the slightest idea of being threatened. It means having questions you shouldn't have. It means wanting to push a bottom to make it all go away and not being able to. It means that you are mainly surviving, instead of living.

If you're a non-survivor you probably won't understand these things. You can't. And I won't expect you to. I just hope you realize that we are many in numbers. That we are everywhere. That you are likely to know us. I just hope that you realize that it isn't us. That we don't want to be here. That we are trying to break free. Please, just be gentle. Be patient. Try to understand, even if you can't. Because even though we won't believe it or accept it - in the end, it isn't our fault.



This is wonderfully written, every point you make is so important and valid. I'm just beginning to open up to a friend about my past. How would you feel about me showing this to her, not on the site I mean she doesn't know it exists. I hope this isn't out of line :/ :metoyou:

This is wonderfully written, every point you make is so important and valid. I'm just beginning to open up to a friend about my past. How would you feel about me showing this to her, not on the site I mean she doesn't know it exists. I hope this isn't out of line :/ :metoyou:/>



Hi MissHannah,

I'm really sorry you went through something like this as well. You're not out of line for asking that. If you think it helps, you have my permission to show her this. I wish you a lot of strenght and support.
:metoyou:

Juditha

April 2014

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