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I'm still so very lost.........

Posted by angelsun , 25 September 2013 · 111 views

I am still so very lost. I hate feeling so alone and weak. I don't understand what I am doing or where I am going. This can't keep going on. What surfaced recently can't be the cause of all this, can it? I don't even have a memory of it, does that mean something? Every time I think I am thru the worst, something comes along and proves me wrong. This challenge, it seems too difficult. It has been weighing me down for some time. I want to email my t but I know she doesn't want to hear from me. I want to tell her more but the shame puts the breaks on. I know she would rather wait til my session. 2 more weeks, how will I survive. I keep trying to push it away, I want to face it but I don't know how, I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I don't know what they mean, I don't know where they are coming from, I don't know how to move past them. It keeps getting harder and I am afraid I am going to break. I hate myself, I just hate myself. I keep saying that, probably at least a hundred times yesterday and didn't even mean to. It just kept coming out because I am so frustrated with what is happening to me. All these thoughts and worries, I can't shake them. They won't go away, they hijack my every thought. Why are they so powerful, why do they hurt so much. I know I have to do this myself, but I just don't know how anymore. It keeps sucking everything out of me, how long is this time going to last? I have been in this place before but never this long. This has to be caused from the new memory, I don't even have much of one to go on, so what does it mean, why is it so powerful? I am scared. I wish I could talk to my t again but at the same time, I can't tell her anymore, it is too painful.

My t told me how good it was that I shared something with her. She told me it was a move in the right direction, that we can work thru it. It doesn't feel good, it doesn't lessen, it seems impossible to get thru it. It doesn't give me any hope. I don't like thinking like this, it is not me. I keep trying to pull myself up and move forward but it sucks me back. I can't give up but I want to, right now I want to run. I thought about taking off yesterday but my children need me. But really, what am I giving them? What has all this done to me????I feel pathetic. I don't understand why this is happening to me, when will I get my strength back. I am losing my energy to fight this..........

I am so sorry to read your thoughts. I hope that you have some kind of support network to help you through this, sounds like you could use a holiday or even just a few hours to yourself to go for a walk in the woods/by a river or through a park - I have always found being close to nature has a calming effect on me but understand that at the darkest of times it can be hard to do anything at all and the effort required to even go for a walk can be too much. Please try to be kind to yourself - this is something we all need to learn to do. Wishing you all the best.
I agree with Sammyxxx. You need something to ground you until you can get back to your therapist. I use nature, and it has a wonderful effect on my stability. I've used this acronym before on here, but always remember HALT.

H - Hungry (Eat really healthy foods and lot's of water)
A - Express your ANGER
L - Lonely or feeling alone and lost is terrible. Have a friend distract you, or provide you with comfort. If a friend isn't an option do something really positive for yourself
T - Tired (Make sure you get plenty of sleep).

I had a horrible episode in June of this year and I took Ignatia Amara to help take the edge off. I'm not sure if you have access to naturopathic physicians or medicines, but holistic care really can be patient centered, caring, understanding, and healing.

We are here to support you. Keep taking slow deep breaths. Listen to sounds that ground you, and make you feel calm. Every little effort will get you past this panic stage, because you know you are have some control and can come out of this.
*gentle hugs* if ok. :)

May 2015

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