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Day 88: "The Most Important Thing to Him is Sex" - my Mother's Voice

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 March 2014 · 559 views

Mar. 8, 2014 (17 Days Into Becoming):
 
I am seeing in the last few days the degree to which my mother's voice is in my head. I live by a number of beliefs, whether I want to or not, because of the programming and the shame of my childhood.
  • "Never be beholden to anyone."
    • meaning don't trust anyone, don't let anyone in, don't show weakness
  • "You just started coughing because you were losing." I wrote about this on in another posting.
  • "You just want attention." I wrote about this in another posting as well.
  • "Doctor's just want your money. They don't care about you," (justifying us never going to the doctor, even when sick).
  • "If I take you to the doctor there had better be something wrong, or there will be afterward!"
  • "We're not getting braces for you because you'll just complain all the time if you have them." (This goes with the ever present theme of me being more powerful than her. I also have written about this topic already.)
  • "Only the best, of the very best, can succeed as musicians," (in response to me saying I wanted to study music in college).
  • "You were limping and carrying on, feeling sorry for yourself, 'poor me,' It was so funny the way you were dragging your leg," (when I hit my head at school and they sent me home. I had a concussion).
    • I had learned to exaggerate in order to be taken seriously. If it wasn't life or death, you would be punished. So, I do believe I was exaggerating. But, not because I wanted attention, because I didn't want her to punish me.
  • "You are NOT staying home just two days before Christmas break," (when I had pneumonia).
    • She was so angry that I got sent home from school she refused to come get me. One of my brothers had to come get me and take me to the doctor.
  • "There's nothing wrong with your knees. You just want out of school," (when the school nurse called because both my knees were purple and swollen).
  • "You can do anything you want to do if you work hard," (not everything she said was harmful).
  • "How dare you act sick and get me pulled out of work," (when I was knocked out from being backhanded to the forehead with a tennis racket).
  • "Thank goodness she wasn't raped," (when reacting to the digital rape and sodomy by the babysitter).
  • "I feel bad. What more do you want from me?" (when informed about the sexual abuse I lived with at the hands of her husband).
  • "Some day you will be away from those kids" (in response to the abuse I was receiving at school).
  • "You're fine. Don't be histrionic," (in response to almost any complaint).
  • "Your father [meaning my step-father] is done raising children," (leaving me at 12 years old to take care of my three younger siblings).
  • "I started drinking and became an alcoholic because I didn't want to know what your step-father was doing to you."
    • This one was the big, final betrayal. She admitted when I was 20 that she knew. She also came across as blaming me for her alcoholism. It was along the lines of, "I wouldn't have begun drinking if not for you."
  • "The most important thing to him is sex." (about my step father).
    • She said this to a counselor who had our family in as a group when my parents tried to have my sister committed to a mental institution. I think I need to write about this part of the story in a separate posting. I'm feeling very triggered right now on this topic. Oh god! I remember this. I remember this counseling session. There's so much I don't remember, but I remember this. Please help me not drown in this one! Posted Image In a sense it's like she gave me to him because he was too demanding. Posted Image
  • "She makes it out to be much more than it was." (my parents' words to my siblings about my abuse)
    • My two older brothers moved away when I was little and they don't believe what my step-father did. [My mom is still married to my step-father.]
I believe this all ties to my SI-ing. You could only be cared for, or cared about, if you were visibly, seriously injured. Nothing you felt underneath mattered. It had to be something others could see in order to warrant help or caring. I think I might have started doing risky things in order to achieve an injury because that meant someone would care about me being in pain. It wouldn't be my mom. She would be angry. But, someone would care for a little while, anyway.



;( IM Sorry Your Mom Treats You In Such Cruel Manners......And Has Since You Were A Young Child.....IM Sorry She Neglected To Protect You...IM Sorry You Were Betrayed By So Many People...And IM Sorry Your Brothers Don't Believe You
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Fin_De_Siecle
Mar 08 2014 07:46 PM

WOW! intrepid... unfortunately, I can relate on so many levels...

 

safe (((hugs))) to you.

 

you're a wonderful person, and you deserve love and inner peace.

:( Many hugs to you, dear.  I think you're an amazing person.

Sitting with you, Intrepid. I'm so sorry you went through all of this pain.
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FinallyHere
Mar 08 2014 10:18 PM
There is so much here. A bigger picture forming. I can only sit with it and stare up at its significance.
Sitting with you.

I'm so sorry for you pain intrepid.

You are worth so much more than these careless, destructive words.

Sending peace.

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intrepidshe
Mar 09 2014 01:11 PM

Thanks, you all for your compassion and understanding!

 

It was wrenching to pull these words out. I felt awful yesterday as I was writing it and for many hours later. But, I realized this morning I didn't have any anxiety symptoms from it. I felt awful emotionally, not so much physically. I felt sad and angry. I felt hurt and confused. After a few hours I also felt relieved. And, through those hours of feeling awful I had no SI urge whatsoever. This feels really big.

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yarnfoolishness
Mar 12 2014 10:54 AM

This is huge Intrepid.  The emotions are normal.  You're doing great.  Especially the part where you're going back and acknowledging your responses to disclosure.  This lets you evaluate what's working for you and what isn't.  :)

 

I'm so angry at those who hurt you so much.  (grrrrrrr)  (I hope it's OK to say that.)

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intrepidshe
Mar 12 2014 12:18 PM

This is huge Intrepid.  The emotions are normal.  You're doing great.  Especially the part where you're going back and acknowledging your responses to disclosure.  This lets you evaluate what's working for you and what isn't.  smile.png

 

I'm so angry at those who hurt you so much.  (grrrrrrr)  (I hope it's OK to say that.)

 

Yarn, as always, you touch my heart! It is comforting to me when someone says they feel angry about a part of my experiences that I find painful. It's validating and sanity making.

 

I have much work to do related to this specific posting. I feel intimidated. But, I also have a sense of where the path is headed, which makes it a little less scary.

I can't take all that in, because it is so huge.

But I really resonate with, "she gave me to him".  and she knew. and she blamed you.

 

Just makes me really sad for you.

Awesome work here, Intrepid.

Awesome.

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intrepidshe
Mar 26 2014 07:51 PM

I can't take all that in, because it is so huge.

But I really resonate with, "she gave me to him".  and she knew. and she blamed you.

 

Just makes me really sad for you.

Awesome work here, Intrepid.

Awesome.

 

Thanks Jiva. The affirmation on this post is particularly meaningful to me.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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