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so hard...

Posted by missophelia , 19 May 2013 · 144 views

Everything has become so hard for me lately. Even writing this here, now, is just so hard. I honestly don't know how much I can manage to put down into words.

I have been so overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed. I am just full of anxiety, and anger. I'm always depressed. Some moments are worse than others.

I got triggered the other day. Something someone had written on his truck, as it passed me on the highway I read what was written. It was vulgar, obscene, definitely a sexual reference. A word that the man who raped me used. The one word I have the hardest time saying. It was excruciating to say it in therapy.

So, I got triggered, and I've been trying to deal with hearing his words. Seeing that face of his as he stared at me.

All of that while I am constantly struggling with feelings of self hatred.

I am in the middle of an art show that 10 of my works are showing in. I was hoping to be happier about that than I am. My excitement CAN be contained, if I had to, I would put it in a small pill bottle. That's how little excitement I feel about my works being exhibited. I could probably pack the little wisp of happiness that I have in that pill bottle, right next to my little wisp of excitement.

None of what is going on is helping with my urges to SI. They become unbearable at times, and I have not gotten straight (or clean as some call it), for any amount of time that is longer than a week.

On top of all of that is the fact that I am only working part time, the house I live in will be sold soon, and I don't know where I'll go or how I'll live.

Mixed in with all of that is the fact that besides the urges to SI, I am battling with thoughts of suicide, wanting everyone to go away and leave me alone, wanting to just get in my car and disappear, and wanting everything to end. California has always been on my mind as a way out, being that it ties together the suicidal thoughts I have and the place where I was raped.

So, now that I have dumped that all out in this blog post, I don't even know what to say anymore. It's just all so hard and overwhelming. But this is how it is:

my days are spent wishing I was in bed

my nights are spent wishing I was off this planet

May 19 2013 01:14 PM
I wish I had some words of wisdom that could help. All I can think of is to just keep going to therapy, keep talking, and don't give up. If you haven't gotten medication straightened out yet, you need to pursue that and get that worked out. Thinking of you :hug: :hug:
May 19 2013 01:39 PM

Thank you for the words you have sent to me. I know that I will keep going, I will get up tomorrow, and just carry on. I have women's group tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning I see a new psychiatrist. I don't know how that will go. Not sure what will come of it with medication. We will see.

I did call Dr K Thursday, after having had a horrible time Wednesday and Wednesday night, and most of Thursday. It helped a little to talk to her.

Anyway, thanks for thinking of me. :hug: :hug:
Sitting with you, offering safe hugs if they are okay? Sending hope and positive thoughts your way. Keep talking, you are so strong.

Well done on your art work! I am so pleased for you!! Its okay that you might not feel excited yet. So much is going on. Just well done for all your hard work.

People are just ignorant and don't understand how things like that can be hurtful or triggering but I know it hurts and can act as a horrible reminder for awhile.

Thinking of you :rainbow:
May 19 2013 03:15 PM

Thank you, and yes, safe hugs are ok. :)

Thank you for being so encouraging, too.
just wanted you to i can totally relate to everything you have said.

May 20 2013 06:57 PM

I'm sorry you can relate
May 27 2013 08:20 PM
I have spent time in the place where you are at. I'm so sorry I don't have a magic answer to give you respite. I wish I could.

When it gets really bad for me, sometimes all I can manage is to just stay alive. So please stay alive. The pain won't be this bad forever. It really won't.

Sending good thoughts for you.

May 28 2013 07:18 PM

Thank you for your words.

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    16 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 16 guests, 0 anonymous users

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