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sick again in a bad way

Posted by whodatninja , 02 June 2014 · 86 views

sick again due to stress. i press on despite how shitty i feel. I had to yell at SS because he was being a total dickhead. now my company looks even worse because we're known as being too slow to ship. i gave him plenty of time to ship the damn thing and he's like 'i need more moeny' and of course more excuses. yet he has plenty to buy high priced imported nude figures. yet can't spend 12 dollars on a box to ship the damn thing. i smoked half a pack i was so pissed.
now the doctors are threatening with court order to make me go. i got a call and if i don't come in tomorrow, they will send me to state psych ward, which i know i will not come out of. either i fight and die, or they dope me up and contorl me. i don't get it. am i really crazy? why are they trying so hard to make me 'normal'. when they don't fucking listen?? the doctors feel there's some magic key to make me 'better' and that it's just a single event i can work through and boom cured.
they also want me to keep a journal to study. i told them i don't keep journals and there's nothing to study. since i don't fit their little textbook formulae they're sure there's something severely wrong with me. i keep telling those bastards i am not a series of symptoms. no one ever fits a label, a perfectly made box.
now i have no choice and it's really pissing me off. i swear, they're trying to punish me for being 'notoriously difficult'. like i told that new therapist, i will not be nice to her because i can see her fakery a mile away. she wants me to trust her and assures me she's understanding. you don't understand and you never will lady.
you can't understand what it's like growing up poor and brown in a city that's (still) racist and classist.
you can't understand what its like being told your religion is wrong, evil, backwards and that you're evil.
you can't understand what it's like being bullied for speaking differently (despite born and raised in same city) having a stutter on top of it all and being fairly smart.
you can't understand what it's like being hurt by people with more power than you and disbeleived by those who promise to help you.
you can't understand what it's like to live in fear of strangers and not making friends, because you never know who might hurt you for kicks or whatever sick reason they come up with
you can't understand what it's like having long stretches of insomnia (2 weeks at most) because of the constant nightmares, and having to drink coffee constantly to keep from passing out and getting chores done
you can't understand what it's like always hearing people putting you down almost all your life and being ignored and invalidated when you sincerely need help
of course you'll never understand behind your fake smile. you're one of the elite, being not brown, growing up in nice neighboorhood, going to nice school, having nice things and got a fancy degree. you don't understand the struggle. i had to struggle to get as far as i could. i'm still struggling. despite the abuse and the harship, i'm trying my damnest. and you will never ever understand.
 



I hear you.

whodatninja--

I know you have suffered tremendously, as partially listed above. I assume there is more. but your list above is extensive and painful and pure. Thanks for putting all that down. It helps me understand more exactly what it is that you struggle with and from.

 

But I want to you consider the possibility that all that hardship has hardened you toward help from someone who didn't grow up in exactly your circumstances. Because I am one of those people you would push away, except I am here on Pandys, like you. I am white, have a degree, worked in a state hospital. But you know my history.  I had immense compassion for the people I worked with. I just could never tell them about it. professional boundaries. So please, try to see that someone might. Maybe this new T is out of her tree, but there may be someone who you can tell, who will want to understand.

 Journaling is a way to tell them---without the pressure of being in their presence and having them look at you. they know it is easier than talking. Print out select pieces of your blog and give them that so they can see what you suffer. It is a kind of journaling.

 

You can do this. Help them help you.

sitting with you if you don't mind.

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whodatninja
Jun 07 2014 11:10 PM
thanks all of you :)
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whodatninja
Jun 08 2014 12:15 AM
im not looking forward to seeing the lady monday. i'll try my best to be open minded but after getting hurt by the suits (even by brown ones) i dont have a lot of trust in *anyone* frankly.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

December 2014

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