just another day...
She did go over a few things I need to keep in mind for the weekend that I can do if I need extra support. Like, calling the hotline. Or going to the hospital. That was after I told her some of the depressive thoughts I've been having.
I did talk briefly with her about the hotline. We are urged to call it if we feel like hurting ourselves or if we are thinking of suicide. One of the first times I talked with someone on online chat, I was basically told that if I was just feeling like hurting myself, to contact this other place. That didn't stop me from going online another day with them, and it was someone different and that person didn't say anything like that. Thankfully what the one person said didn't deter me from going online again. But I told Dr K about what the one person had said. She said from her understanding, they are supposed to be there even if you just feel like hurting yourself. She told me to let her know if that ever happened again.
I've had some bad urges to SI today. It is very hard to not give in. I honestly don't know if I can keep from giving in this weekend. And my anxiety and depression have been bad. I am really trying to just stay busy and ignore how I'm feeling. It's not working too well.
You know, I do realize that when I SI, it only reinforces it as a coping skill. And I do know that it is a negative coping skill. But it's like I told Dr K in my session last week. When I do that, when I SI, I don't feel like I'm unsafe. Because, when she asks me if I can keep myself safe, she is including SI'ing in that. Not just SU. SI, too. So I told her that. I don't feel unsafe when I injure myself.
I know, there is a whole lot there I need to work on. There is so much around SI'ing. So many emotions, so many feelings. So much in just the act alone.
I was thinking today, and I wonder something. I wonder what the number is, how many people start SI'ing, or relapse back into SI'ing, after they have already started therapy. After they've been in therapy for a number of years, like me. As opposed to people who SI, and then go into therapy because they are self injurers.
Just the curious rambling of my mind. And my thinking that I've done things backward. Or something like that.
I just really wish the feeling that I am beyond all hope would go away. I don't know how I got so far off track, or where I went off track. But I feel like I did before I even started therapy in 2008.