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Having No Voice

Posted by tjmom726 , 24 April 2011 · 78 views

As a child I felt I had no voice. I would try to tell someone, Anyone that would listen what I was facing each day and night, but no one came. No one protected me. The teachers I told felt bad for me. The friends I told kept their silence for they didn't know what to make of me. My mother didn't help for she was part of the problem. My aunts and uncles were part of the cycle that I was trying to break. So, I was alone and I had no voice. I didn't matter. No matter how good I was or how talented I was, it didn't matter. I was always hiding. I was always trying to find my escape. I was always being hushed and pushed down. My thoughts weren't important enough to consider or respect. That was when I was a child...

This is now...

Having been married for 12 years, one would think the level of trust would be there. Well. I don't think it is anymore. Two months ago, my husband's father died suddenly at 56 of a heart attack. The death has truly been life changing for all of us. My husband was part owner with his dad and brother of a cabinet business, and he feels this business is going to fail. My mother in law is now living in the house along with my husband's two sisters and their significant others. But I guess between all of them, they don't have enough money to pay the mortgage. So, my mother in law spoke to me on the phone recently and told me that everyone in the family, including my husband wants to move. Not only move, but move to Florida. Right now, we live in the north east. So, they all want to move to a place far away from home They want to abandon their lives here and move on. I do not want to move. I have never wanted to move. However, I find I have no voice again. No one seems to care that I am happy in my home. I have three children who need to stay where they are. I think they are all running away from their problems.

But this has created a whirlwind for me. I no longer talk to anyone because I am afraid they will bring up moving. I don't laugh. I don't talk, I don't do anything except take care of things. I cry whenever someone talks about moving. What do I do as an adult when I know they don't care what I think or feel. What do I do when the one person I am supposed to trust tells his mother to talk to me instead of talking himself. How do I find my voice without crying, and without making them think I am weak. I am a strong person for what I endured as a child, but I feel i am still that child. unable to speak...

Well I think you took the first step in finding your voice. Everything you feel and somewhat want to say you trusted those of us here to listen to you and I know I did. Remember that you are no longer that child anymore that couldn't speak. Hug your inner child and let them know that the adult you carries a voice for the both of you. Don't let anyone take away the power of your opinion. If you have to practice by writing down what you feel and rehearsing what you want to say to make you comfortable, do so. When you feel ready you can then maybe approach your husband first. I do not think they over speak you to shut you out on purpose moreso in that, that is the way they grieve.

July 2016

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