i'm reading others' blogs and see they're doing a lot better and it seems like i'm just stuck in the mud. maybe i should just blame myself for being stuck, since i keep paying for family's bullshit and have the audacity to whine about it. i was going to run away, but it won't change anything. i still hate living and don't like being around other people. there is no magic formula for being happy. there is no such thing as happiness. no matter how hard i try, people don't like me because i'm too weird or something. i never fit in no matter what city i'm in. it seems like i'm always pissing someone off. even if i move to a new city and try to find some cheap place to live (that never really exists) i'm still stuck doing the same shit i'm doing, holed up in my room writing stupid books stupid people won't read. i try to go to the club and i get made fun of the way i dance and if i hit up the bar, it's always some sleezy asshole jerk that wants my number and want to talk to me thinking i'm so desperate for booty i'm willing to catch whatever disease he's carrying. i keep telling the terapist this is why i hate life. he keeps telling me it will pass and it'll be another day and it'll be nice tomorrow. he's full of shit. everyone is.