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The flashback stops. I try to remember what happened before the car fliped, but it gets all fuzzy, and black and empty. A bit like I remember my prostitution.
I think I understand the extent of trauma I've had to have lived to remember my life in big blocks of nothing.
Nothing to remember. Memories lost. Like someone erased the hard-drive. Like when I had the accident and I can't remember the moment before I thought I was about to die.
The brain protects us. I remember reading that somewhere a long time ago. We forget to protect ourselves...
I feel like I can't feel because I'm still protecting myself. I don't talk about the 'real things' in therapy. I can't touch on emotional stuff, just like I can't describe how I feel when something bad happened. Because I don't want to go there. I can, if I scrath a bit at it, feel stress, like the stress that my flashback caused me. But I can't get to the bottom of it. I don't want to. I can't feel the rest - the fear. Block out.
Now, it doesn't even have to be traumatic for me to block it out. It's every time I've been with a man since my prostitution. I've never, ever been 'there'. I don't remember first kisses let alone the rest. Gone.
I think I have to talk about these things when I start seeing Mrs E. again. Hopefully we can pick up where we left off in January.
I had to stop seeing her for financial reasons.
But in other news, things are looking up. I have a bit of money coming in and an interview next Wednesday.