Day 77: Scares the Hell Out of Me
One of the most difficult aspects of the healing journey for me is the tendency to be unfair to myself, to withhold from myself the tenderness, compassion, and nurturing I so crave from others. It is, I believe, a core issue. I can't help but wonder if the reason for my lack of gentleness toward myself is because of the messages I have taken into my core.
- At the core I am a neglected and abandoned child.
- At the core I am a violent hero.
- At the core I am an object of pleasure for others.
"why is it easier to give other people space to be a human being? . . . We are employing standards with the implicit aim to be unkind to ourselves. For others, we employ standards that encourage, reveal progress, that preserve a sense of humanity." - http://frametheshame...g-up-space.html
The dichotomy between my words/actions toward others and my words/actions toward myself is creating dissonance for me. I have learned since joining Pandy's how very important it is to me to be tender, compassionate, and nurturing toward other people. I might not always find the right words to achieve these goals, but I want to and I mean to. I want others to feel comforted and to experience healing. I want everyone here to find their contented and healthy selves.
Do I want that for me?
If so, then my words and actions should be intended to achieve the same goals.
If my own contentedness and healthfulness were my goals for me, I would take steps to attain the tenderness, compassion, and nurturing I need.
I am noting how I phrased these concepts in my opening sentence, how my phrasing of that sentence reflects my negative self-judgment:
"One of the most difficult aspects of the healing journey for me is the tendency to be unfair to myself, to withhold from myself the tenderness, compassion, and nurturing I so crave from others.
I used the word "crave" as though it is not a need, just a want. As though I do not deserve for these needs to be met.
I don't believe I need, or deserve, tenderness, compassion, and nurturing. However, I certainly, unequivocally believe other people have these needs and they deserve for these needs to be met. And, perhaps because I don't believe I have these needs, I don't believe I can find the well from which to draw them.
Or, perhaps it is the reverse; I don't believe the well exists, so I continue to believe I don't need them!
- I was neglected;
- I was forced to rely on violence to survive;
- I was an object of pleasure for others:
I know that belief is illogical. It is a belief born of experience, to explain why I was neglected, why I had to be violent, why I was sexually abused.
Somehow, through I don't know what process, I need to reject this explanation. I did not experience neglect, violence, and sexual abuse because there was no kindness available for me in the world. I experienced these things because there was unkindness in the people who did those things to me, who put me in those situations, who didn't care what those situations did to me, who do not care to this day. It is scary and painful to accept this perspective.
If I accept tenderness, compassion, and nurturing are available for me, then I will no longer accept a life absent of these experiences. And that scares the hell out of me!