Was it worth it?
I can't deny good things came out of my marriage. I have my beautiful kids and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I wouldn't have met a lot of the wonderful people that I have or done the things I have.
And I can't say that he destroyed my hopes and dreams. I really didn't have many when we first started going out. I was too busy surviving. Others had hurt me before that yet I had never addressed it. I wasn't living, I was simply marking time.
But was it worth it?
No. It wasn't.
It wasn't worth all the pain and hurt and everything else. It wasn't worth the scars, both physical and psychological. And it wasn't worth feeling like my very heart and soul being ripped apart.
I won't deny the good things that came from my marriage,that would be incredibly short sighted. But I will also not deny the cost that those things came at. In some ways it makes them all the more precious. In others it makes my sometimes ambivilance towards those things understandable.
He used to tell me "It will cost you." but I doubt that he would even begin to understand the real price I have paid. And it is his fault. His responsibility. His shame. But my burden to bear.