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The Silent One is more prominant

Posted by Mand , 11 March 2014 · 136 views

I have had a fab day. Excellent training day with some high brow peeps. Kept my end up. I was not intimidated, I was intelligent. I did not 'misbehave'. I stayed in charge of my Mand's, and was ME. I had a good night last night. Only 1 waking, so a good 6 hours sleep split into 3 hours each is a good night - an excellent night.
I came home, and after checking in with my teens, went out on my bike. Since The Bad Parent terrified me so much, I have not checked back on my house of Mand's. I have been too scared. So today, I thought I would use my ride as a safe chance to see what was happening. And sat, at the front door, was the Silent One. She was sucking her thumb and twiddling her hair, and she is just sitting there, staring at me. She is on her own. I have not gone in search of the others. I am just standing at a distance, staring at her. And she is silently staring back at me. And I don't know what she wants. I do not feel that she wants me to go to her, to hug her. She is trying to communicate something with me, but I don't know what.
I recognise now that my T has been planting certain seeds in my head. No doubt to see which ones grow. There are 2 that stick in my mind. One I have already talked about - about alcohol and sex. The other.....I can't even type. I can feel my belly knotting. I can feel my breath getting quicker. My brow tightening. I can not go there. Going there is going to the Silent One. And she is scaring me.

Mar 12 2014 11:22 AM

I understand the feeling of fear of one of your inner parts.  I have a fear of the one I call Young Yarn simply because she holds so much pain and horror.  Something that helps me is to remember that she needs care and compassion.   I don't know if it helps you, but your Silent One needs compassion and care.  She is part of you that is hurt.  It's hard to look at the hurt - even physical injuries are hard to look at - so be kind to you.


Sending good thoughts.

I can't. She won't let me near.
Mar 12 2014 05:39 PM

I hear you.  I'm sorry if my comment felt like pressure.  I didn't mean it that way.  If she's not ready to let you near, that's OK.  It hurts; I know.  It's scary too.  Maybe she's doing this because she wants you to really see her?  I don't know if that rings true. 


My Little Yarn wouldn't speak or move or look at me or allow me near for the longest time.  She still doesn't speak, but at least now she will look at me and come near.  She moves around now at least.  One day maybe she'll let me comfort her, but that day is not yet here.  Until then, I just try to be gentle and calm when I know she's around.


I'm sorry this is so hard.

It's interesting what you say about LY not looking at you. The silent one did not look at me until this past week. Now she is just staring, unblinking. So I guess that is progress, if she will now look. But I don't know if she is "all there". If she is really "present and aware". Don't know of that last bit makes much sense. It's all so existential at times....
Mar 13 2014 11:50 AM

I hear you.  My LY was certainly not 'all there' for a long time.  She was the catatonic and traumatized child who has slowly transitioned into what she is now.  It's like I'm slowly watching her heal. 


Maybe your Silent One is just very severely hurt and will need a lot of time.  Whatever happens, please be kind to you.  :metoyou:

Thank you Yarn. Got a blog brewing post T today. I hope you read it. I think your insight will be useful for me. ((hugs and thanks))) if ok.

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