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Who Deserves to Be Here?


Jes

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2 minutes ago, Guest AJ88 said:

I’m not sure where I deserve to be.

Anyone who has experienced sexual abuse, at any age, regardless of gender, is welcome and deserves to be here.

I hope you will reach out further by joining Pandys as a member, which will enable you to post more widely for support around the forums.

Take care.

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  • 1 month later...

Thanks for posting this. I think that you should add “if you don’t remember it, you deserve to heal.” I don’t remember my assault because either I was drugged or so drunk that I don’t remember it. Or maybe my brain blocked it out. I’m not sure at all, because I don’t remember it. But I have flashbacks to this one scene from the night. And I woke up without underwear and with bruises and scratches all over me.

Part of me feels like since I don’t remember, I don’t deserve to be here. But I woke up feeling so violated, without even my underwear, and injured in several places. And I know I would never cheat on my boyfriend. But for some reason since I don’t remember what happened except for this one scene I keep flashing back to, that I don’t deserve to be feeling this way. But I do, and it’s so hard. I’ve been just sleeping a lot, I can’t eat, I don’t want to be around anyone. Does it get better? I don’t know what to do. Im relieved to have found this message board.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thanks for posting this. I am feeling a lot of rage and yet unable to speak to my loved ones for all the reasons you mention above. I wish I could express how it feels, felt, whatever to them eloquently and calmly but I never manage it and the more isolated I feel watching their response to me, the less I am inclined to try for human connection. 

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  • 1 month later...

Get tested. You may never remember, but at least you’ll have the certainty that a) you’re not pregnant, b) you’re not positive for any STDs, c) you have a healthy reproductive organ. I know what you’re feeling, and it’s such a feeling of mistrust and mixed confusion and disgust whether with them or yourself, but I’m personally 8 years out from that day I woke up without underwear on and bruises on my back and legs knowing today that I have been lucky enough not to have been impregnated or marked with some nasty virus or bacterial infection. I also know that not to trust that group of friends I so blindly followed. Although it wasn’t their fault, I also know that they didn’t stop it because they told me they saw me leaving with the man to another room in the same house. I was completely blacked out, and for that I blame myself because I lost my awareness and precaution, but I’m human and humans make mistakes. It’s cliche but true, and we have to allow ourselves to heal from that, and grow from that too. Theres only one way to improve from mistakes and that’s by corrective action. That day I became more conscious of my body’s limitations, and the people around me. I took account of when things happened and realized they only happened  within certain circles of friends. Those are the kinds of groups I grew out of. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not blame shaming friends or people of the past. We’re all works in progress. It’s just how I found myself able to move on. 

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  • 1 month later...

Hello Sim,

If what you are describing is non-consensual sex, then yes.  Pandy's is a place for survivors of sexual assault and abuse for anyone who has experienced it, whether it was by a spouse, a stranger, or anything in between. We have numerous posts on such experiences. 

I hope you will consider joining Pandy's as a member so you can receive support, if it's warranted. As a member, you'll be able to access posts throughout the entire site. 

Take care.

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Guest Guest D

This is so validating. Especially seeing Sim's post. That was often my experience, including when I was SLEEPING. At the time I found it annoying and disrespectful, but about a year ago, while in therapy, all the memories came back and now I'm all fucked up about it. I don't feel like it was "real" assault, because I wasn't physically hurt and I wasn't fearful ( at the time). So I don't feel like I deserve the same support as others, it wasn't that bad, I need to get over it. But my emotions are all over the place, and NOW I can't even be in the same room with my husband, and I feel unsafe when he is around. It's all so confusing!

We have separated, and divorce papers filed.

Is joining confidential? 

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I believe it is. I used a name from the top of my head just in case.
I’m so glad you responded!!! I so desperately want to connect with others who share in this problem in such a grey area.

I feel our situation is unique bc their actions don’t warrant outside help per say but the feelings of fear are still there. 
I feel you on being woken up for it. It’s so disgusting then they wonder why we are never in the mood.

I’m so glad you have separated. I know you must feel an overwhelming feeling of relief. My heart is so happy for you.

Thank you for responding. As I hear others speaking of this, it gives me hope. We all need hope in our lives and you have given it. Much love and support to you.

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It's very much real, D, and worthy of help and support to get you to a place you feel safe again. 

We take every effort here at Pandy's to ensure everyone's safety and confidentiality. If you would like to sign up, you may find it very helpful to have such a supportive community that understands how difficult it is. 

Take care,

Hope

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Guest college student

i have always felt alone because the person who sexually assaulted me was my friend and moreso my roommates who are my friends, friend. they are still friends with him because he is suciidal and apologized and it didn’t happen to them but i’m suciidal and didn’t assault someone. it wasn’t that the assault was particularly bad but rather it triggered past investígales assaults and date rapes by multiple people that i was dating. the trauma that i thought i shoved down was brought back up and i had to sit on the shower floor crying, fix my panic attacks, and try to get through life. last night i was suicidal and had a friend to help me work through it but now i feel ashamed for him having to deal with that. i know my friends/roommates might be mad if i repot him and send him a letter telling him what i am going through as my therapist told me to do that could help, but i feel as if that’s the only way to start the healing process from this and from past rape/assaults being brought up. i came online because my therapist suggested a sort of group therapy for rape victims and this seems easiest. i’m ready to heal but often i become randomly suicidal or have flashbacks and stress attacks. hopefully i am able to get justice and get myself back. thank you for this thread i didn’t think i deserved to heal but now i know i do. i’m okay today. i’m doing my favorite thing which is working with theatrical lighting and i’m still alive so i’m okay. :) 

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Guest college student, I’m glad you felt able to reach out here, and you would be welcome to join as a full member for greater support and community. 

You 100% deserve to heal, and having support along the way is so beneficial. 

I hope you will do whatever you need to do for your own healing - true friends will still be there for you.

Sending care and support,

Jenny :metoyou:

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Guest College Student

Thank you Jenny that means a lot and i hope to talk in this community a lot to heal. I was at first not going to press university charges against him because i wanted to protect him but i decided my healing journey is more important than his reputation because he knew what he was doing. i talked to my roommates since they’re friends with him and my roommates and my friends and one of them got mad at me and said he said it was just kissing which it wasn’t and they said think about what could happen to him, basically taking his side on the situation and making him the victim even though i’m the victim. i cried in the shower after but this time it was a release but also a tension. i have anger and built up tension rn because it’s a process and also i thought my roommates were good people but they’re not. i will be respectful to them because i have to live with them another semester but they defended a sexual assaulter when i confided in them as their friend so i know that’s not a healthy friendship. it’s hard because i really pushed for them too but i have other friends. i’m just worried about having to be the adult and report him and being alone. but thank you truly. i’m sure it’ll work out

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Guest College Student

also thank you again for the care and support. you seem like such a nice person and it’s glad to hear that i have people out there to release this tension to ? :) 

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Guest College Student

sorry if i sound all over the place, i know you’re a stranger and i guess i shouldn’t apologize for myself but i’m anxious after that hard talk i had with them 

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No need to apologise whatsoever, regardless of whether to a stranger or best friend. There are lots of caring people here on Pandys, caring supportive people, who have been where you are, and I hope you will reach out for that wider support by joining. 

I’m so glad you are reaching out, and taking steps to care about you. Assault is always wrong - no doubt about it. 

Jenny :metoyou:

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Guest college student

thank you for saying that. i’m glad i can find greater support on here. i have a few friends who are supportive so i appreciate them too but i just am so angered that there are women especially in the world who defend my assaulter like my roommates. it’s hard emotions to deal with but i’m looking at dali in the park so hopefully that makes me feel more alive 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Purple Autumn

Hi, I'm new to this forum thing and I have a hard time opening up. I was first raped by a boyfriend while he was high on drugs. The second time I was taking from the restaurant I worked at one night. I served him and his date that he sent home so he could focus on me. The next time it was my own husband. So this message let me know that it's ok for me to address my complicated story and heal also.

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Hi Purple Autumn. I'm so sorry for the rapes you have experienced. I completely understand having a hard time opening up.  There's no pressure to do so on Pandy's, but if you choose to, it is absolutely okay for you to address your story and I think you'll find many members who can relate. And, yes, it can be part of your healing process as well. It has helped me tremendously with my healing.  Sign up any time if you'd like to join and access all of the sections pertinent to you.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest RainyFace

I was sexually assaulted on more than one occasion in my own home. I finally got the courage to say something and report it on Nov 27th 2020. The first and hardest person for me to tell was my husband. And he asked me why i didn't say anything the first time our roommate and "friend" sexually assaulted me. I told him that because as i child my father had molested me and when i spoke up no one believed me, and then with my stepfather when he molested me i had trouble speaking up for fear of not being believed. Not to mention my ex boyfriend who sexually assaulted me and my ex husband who raped me on a regular bases. I looked at him with tears running down my face and said " I didn't think i would believed again, with my ex boyfriend i reported him to the police and because i had had sexual consensual relations with him before the police didn't believe me and nothing happened." "And i didn't know if you would believe me or not ?." My husband wrapped me in his arms and tilted my head back to look him in the face and said baby i will always believe everything you tell me ??." I broke down in his arms and the flood started even hard than it had been. He was so mad at our roommate and wanted to come back home and hurt him permanently! I told him no that that wasn't the way to do things and that if he did he would go to jail and right now i just needed him by my side. So we did things the right way and reported him to the police i had to go do a sane test for evidence. Currently what i am having troubles with is the let him out with no charges not even a single assault charge for him strangling me! He walked out of jail scott free and the D.A has declined to press any charges at all and they haven't even touched my rape kit test at all ??! They had me go down to the police station and give my statement where the Detective was so cold and i felt like i was being interrogated and made me feel like i was the bad person for not reporting him the first time it happened??! I have been trying to find a place to reach out and talk to others who have gone through what i went through and have had no success until i found this site. So as i had feared the system is going to fail me yet again!!! Just really needing someone/ someones to talk to and right now i am feeling very alone! My husband is so wonderful and supportive but he has no idea what i am feeling or going through. Also having troubles with the fact that he works over nights and this happened while he was at work and i am back in my home where this event occurred. Any ideas or help would be greatly appreciated thank you all.

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RainyFace, firstly, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You should always feel safe, wherever you are. I’m glad your husband believed you and is supporting you - you deserve that support.

I hope you will sign up here as a free member, and be able to access all of the forum. We understand what you have been through, and what you continue to go through.

In care,

Jenny :metoyou:

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  • 3 weeks later...

 

*************

Strong trigger warnings in the post

****************

I'm really glad I found this forum. I badly needed help and I've been struggling with feelings of guilt (Even though I was the one abused) and felt like what was done to me was my fault for getting myself into an awful time and time again. 

I was abused from the ages of 7 and 8 by an older girl around 12-13.  I was bullied and ostracized by my classmates who refused to play with me because I was 'weird'. I was incredibly lonely and badly in need of a friend.  

Which is when I met my abuser. She was on the same school bus and we began talking. Innocently at first I remember being scared she wouldn't accept me or later realize I was weird or make fun of me too. 

and I was so so happy because I was still hoping she talk to me. I was so lonely and was being so kind. 

I did have some school friends at the time but they would only play with me inside of school and make fun of me and ignore me at school. 

It was like a normal healthy friendship at first we would visit eachothers houses and play she was still interested in things that aren't as common for her age range. I remember in particular she had a large kitchen play set that I liked.

but later on she started talking about sexual topics and I remember not knowing what any of these things are. I remember her asking if I knew how babies are made. Asking me if I had hair, if I wanted to see hers, if I had a bikini , I never liked these topics and liked to try and change subject. She would search up 'sex games' on her laptop and tell me to play with her. I told her I didn't want to and that we'll be in trouble but I struggle to be assertive and it ends up with her playing them with me sitting beside her awkwardly looking around the room, hoping my parents do not see as I was scared of getting in trouble. She kept pestering me to play but I declined

 I gave the next time we played as she seemed disappointed in me and I didn't want to lose my new friend. I said I don't want to play anymore after a while and she reluctantly agreed. This is when she says she wants to make out and I said No and I remember her being very insistent not taking no for an answer. I remember backing away and she grabs my hands and pushes me down. I just remember feeling scared my mom will hear and come up. And I'll be in trouble and she'll be very disappointed in me.  I was on the floor extremely scared and worried. I felt as if this is my fault, I don't want this to happen but it is, I don't want to be alone again or be in trouble, I feel dirty, uncomfortable and worthless.  I was turning my head left and right and moving my arms and legs at least attempting too.  She seems panicked and thankfully let's me go and tells me not to tell anyone or we'll be in trouble. We played a jigsaw puzzle I felt like I just wanted to be alone and was a little teary. 

One time when we were going swimming, we went into a family changing room to get changed (This is normal among friends here) and as we were getting changed she was looking at my privates and said I would grow hair like hers when I get older and pointed to her crotch. she touched me that day and I would rather not go into specifics as it's stressful for me to recall. 

The abuse continued for over the course of two years.  I mostly blamed myself for allowing it and had almost convinced myself I was so unlovable and useless. This was all I had to offer. I remember wanting to die and trying to kill myself in silly ways such as drinking water ( there was a tale going around about a girl that drank so much of it she died) and drinking shampoo and dish soap. 

I carried it a secret for a long time, a few years later I eventually told my mother who didn't believe me as 'girls don't do that' and asked if it was my father who hadn't been in my life for long. 

I developed an eating disorder in my mid teens and was underweight although I was never hospitalized. I tried to make my hair dark with coffee, I liked my skin as pale as possible and even patted babypowder to get that effect and I wore this dark black eyeliner. I wanted to look dead. I didn't really want guys to be interested in me. Once a guy said I was beautiful and I Interpreted it as 'I'm fat'. I think subconsciously it was a way of me trying to say "stay away from me, I'm sick and a weird cry for help."  When people said I looked awful and dead I was happy. 

Later in life I took a more 'feminist approach'

( I don't mean anything bad about feminists or feminism I just mean I made decisions to try and feel in control that aren't right for me and that I wasn't doing for the right reasons. ) (If you're doing it and feel it's right for you then that's fine)

and tried to get my 'control back' by being more sexual. I thought it was good for me at the time, I was posting photos online that aren't exactly PG and loved the praise and attention they got. I felt loved and validated.  

Although I later felt it was just like abusing myself all over. I felt good when I got the praise but these people don't care about me just my body and I am worth more than my sexuality and don't want to reduce my perceived worth to that ever again. I thought it was helping but my self-esteem was low and I felt like I was useless unless I was sexual.

This is where I made an awful decision. I decided to meet someone from social media who said he'll pay to see me. He flew in from France just to see me and I felt validated. I am worth so much someone will fly all the way and even spend money just so he can see me.  I was 17 at the time but I looked much younger. Most assumed I was 13.  I remember always wanting and trying look older and I assumed he'd prefer that but in hind sight I believe he was a pedophile.  

I stupidly went to the city where he was staying and he messaged me to meet in the hotel. I was in the lobby and be texted me that he'll be down to see me. He told me to come with him and he went to his hotel room. ( we had previously agreed on going to eat and nothing might even happen) so I felt worried but didn't want to cause a scene. I felt like a waitress could sense my anxiety as she looking at me seeming worried. Although I'm not sure if that was just my interpretation. I came into the room and was expecting him to be ordering room service. he kissed me and I kissed back and went along with everything as he started to undress me. I remember thinking "oh fuck this isn't real  this is real, I'm doing this, with the fuck am I doing this" I remember thinking he smelled bad like he hadn't showered and  attempted to mask it with cologne.  he put on a condom and I told him I changed my mind. That I don't want to do this and he just said 'relax' and tried to put it in. I put my arms up and tried to push him off me but he was heavy and really hurting me and I couldn't, he kept saying to 'calm down' and 'stop' he couldn't get it inside but he kept trying and it really hurt by this stage I was crying and my face felt uncomfortably wet. He looked disappointed and gave up on getting it inside me and instead started grinding it against me. It felt humiliating. He finished and stared at me for a while before telling me to get dressed. I went into the bathroom, locked the door and cried. After a while he told me to open it and handed me my clothes. I got changed and tried to cover my face with makeup in my bag so it wouldn't look like I was crying.  When I thought I composed myself as much as possible I opened the door.  He asked if I'd been crying which I remember being annoyed at but didn't say anything.  He hugged me and put money in my pocket. Which I was surprised by and a little confused when he let go I went out the door and got a taxi and tried not to cry on the way home although not very successfully. When I got home I noticed a bloody stain in my underwear. That was probably the lowest part in my life. I felt so dirty and worse that I took the money although I needed it as otherwise I'd have to find and wait for a bus which I didn't feel able for.  When I got home I went to bed and cried.  I hate that man so much. Every time I picture his face I wish he'd suffer. 

I felt so helpless and worthless I didn't want to report as hell I agreed to meet him and imagined a court case and the judgement I would receive, what people would say.

"She went to meet him and just regretted it later" "oh look she even took the money she definitely wanted it" "once again a girl who regrets sex then ruins a guys life, what a whore" "just a no good protstite, I feel bad for her family" 

A few months later I did report it and I found out police have been watching him for a while and he has done this to many young girls. I feel happy knowing he will be in jail and get what he deserves for abusing so many people I just hope he rots in there  and I'm glad he can't hurt any more women.

It took me a long time but thankfully I am realizing that it's not my fault. I never agreed to be abused and even if I did I was underage even if I was of age it is not my fault and It is not my guilt to carry.   

I'm sorry I had a lot to get off my chest I had a near breakdown as earlier my mother made a very unwelcomed comment  

It was a normal conversation and she said we need some things at (X shop in city) and I said I can get scared going alone and she told me "You had no problem with traveling up that time you were prostituting yourself in that hotel room!" which hurt, Alot.  It felt like she was invalidating my trauma and blaming me but as I've been writing this and viewing others posts I feel so much better so Thank you. ♡

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Emma, I hope you will join fully, seek more support here in the main forums as a full member. I’m glad you felt able to share the above - no-one should have to go through any of that, and certainly not be at the receiving end of what your mother said.

Take care,

Jenny

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I'm so sorry these two people abused and assaulted you, Emma.  No, it was not your fault. At all. And for your mother to put the blame on you is extremely invalidating too.  There are so many reasons survivors don't report or even tell another soul IRL. You've described many of them here.  I'm glad writing all down here helped.  If you'd like access to all of the sections in the forum, I'd encourage you to sign up for membership. You may find it to be very supportive as many of us here have.  Either way, I'm glad you felt able to post here.  

Take gentle care. :metoyou:

Hope

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have been through a horrible experience I pretend alot and I'm sorry for anyone that goes through any hard time

On 12/27/2020 at 1:52 PM, Hope said:

I'm so sorry these two people abused and assaulted you, Emma.  No, it was not your fault. At all. And for your mother to put the blame on you is extremely invalidating too.  There are so many reasons survivors don't report or even tell another soul IRL. You've described many of them here.  I'm glad writing all down here helped.  If you'd like access to all of the sections in the forum, I'd encourage you to sign up for membership. You may find it to be very supportive as many of us here have.  Either way, I'm glad you felt able to post here.  

Take gentle care. :metoyou:

Hope

 

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