Day 95: Isolating Fear of F/F SA **Trigger Warning**
I am working on my new homework and decided to post today something that came from it. It is amazing to me as I continue to dig into a wound, what is there, deep within.
Shame is about doing anything that appears to be a lack of confidence or strength.
I was very quiet and withdrawn as a child. I didn’t play with or talk to other kids at school. I was just in my head. I didn’t understand other kids. The world inside my mind was far more interesting and less confusing. Other kids just didn’t make sense to me. Because of this ‘shyness’ I was a target. Additionally, I was very small, which made me even more of a target. I was bullied many, many times. I had to learn to fight violently to get people to leave me alone. They had to see that I was willing to severely injure them in order to make them leave me alone.
Eventually, I learned to smile at people and ask them questions about themselves. Once I learned that (and I grew 10 inches) the bullying stopped. I also learned to spend time with people, to act like a friend. But, I never really had feelings for them. I learned that you have to show confidence and strength in order for people to be nice to you.
Because I was bullied so often I came to feel ashamed of my quietness, my disinterest in others, my introversion. I learned how to behave as an extravert. I even learned to enjoy being extraverted. I discovered I could have a lot of fun with other people if I found the right people.
Something that I want to get into is my lack of understanding other people, or perhaps it's my lack of identifying with them. The things that are important to people, the things they want, the things they value . . . most of the time I don't get it at all. I remember one time being invited to a classmate's birthday party. I think I was in 5th or maybe 6th grade. All of the girls were invited, if memory serves.
I was miserable at this party. The things they talked about were completely foreign to me. I wasn't interested in whatever boy singer was popular, or any of the usual topics that interest girls that age. I just sat on the couch watching and not able to figure out what to do, what do say, how to participate. I would rather go for a long hike, build something, make up a story, invent a game. I didn't want to act out a scene from Grease. I was mystified by their behavior, so much so they seemed grotesque to me, like clowns in a hall of mirrors.
I wonder if part of what was bothering me was more than just my personality, but I was afraid of what might happen. In fact, as I write this I know what I am about to say is true . . . I was afraid one or more of them would molest me. Someone would do to me what the other girls did to me when I was younger. I was sure this situation would result in more sexual abuse. I thought that being alone with a girl would mean being touched in ways I didn't want or being asked to touch them. I remember this feeling now. I was just waiting for that moment and trying to have a plan for how to get out of it. I didn't interact with these girls because I was afraid of them. Not only did I not understand them or share their interests, I was sure they were going to assault me.
Nothing harmful happened at this party. But, it was the last one I went to for many years. To this day I am afraid of social situations.
I think the lesson I learned is I had to show confidence and strength in order to be able to fend off any such violation.