Jump to content






Photo

Day 95: Isolating Fear of F/F SA **Trigger Warning**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 15 March 2014 · 294 views

Mar. 15, 2014 (24 Days Into Becoming):
 
I am working on my new homework and decided to post today something that came from it. It is amazing to me as I continue to dig into a wound, what is there, deep within.
 
Shame is about doing anything that appears to be a lack of confidence or strength.

 
I was very quiet and withdrawn as a child. I didn’t play with or talk to other kids at school. I was just in my head. I didn’t understand other kids. The world inside my mind was far more interesting and less confusing. Other kids just didn’t make sense to me. Because of this ‘shyness’ I was a target. Additionally, I was very small, which made me even more of a target. I was bullied many, many times. I had to learn to fight violently to get people to leave me alone. They had to see that I was willing to severely injure them in order to make them leave me alone.
 
Eventually, I learned to smile at people and ask them questions about themselves. Once I learned that (and I grew 10 inches) the bullying stopped. I also learned to spend time with people, to act like a friend. But, I never really had feelings for them. I learned that you have to show confidence and strength in order for people to be nice to you.
 
Because I was bullied so often I came to feel ashamed of my quietness, my disinterest in others, my introversion. I learned how to behave as an extravert. I even learned to enjoy being extraverted. I discovered I could have a lot of fun with other people if I found the right people.
 
Something that I want to get into is my lack of understanding other people, or perhaps it's my lack of identifying with them. The things that are important to people, the things they want, the things they value . . . most of the time I don't get it at all. I remember one time being invited to a classmate's birthday party. I think I was in 5th or maybe 6th grade. All of the girls were invited, if memory serves.
 
I was miserable at this party. The things they talked about were completely foreign to me. I wasn't interested in whatever boy singer was popular, or any of the usual topics that interest girls that age. I just sat on the couch watching and not able to figure out what to do, what do say, how to participate. I would rather go for a long hike, build something, make up a story, invent a game. I didn't want to act out a scene from Grease. I was mystified by their behavior, so much so they seemed grotesque to me, like clowns in a hall of mirrors.
 
I wonder if part of what was bothering me was more than just my personality, but I was afraid of what might happen. In fact, as I write this I know what I am about to say is true . . . Posted Image  I was afraid one or more of them would molest me. Someone would do to me what the other girls did to me when I was younger. I was sure this situation would result in more sexual abuse. I thought that being alone with a girl would mean being touched in ways I didn't want or being asked to touch them. I remember this feeling now. I was just waiting for that moment and trying to have a plan for how to get out of it. I didn't interact with these girls because I was afraid of them. Not only did I not understand them or share their interests, I was sure they were going to assault me.

 
Nothing harmful happened at this party. But, it was the last one I went to for many years. To this day I am afraid of social situations. 
 
I think the lesson I learned is I had to show confidence and strength in order to be able to fend off any such violation. 




I could have written this. Thank you. I, too, did not like other children because I could not understand their frame of reference. I remember going to a sleepover party of a girl when I was 10. I didn't want to go, but the parent had asked mum, and I think she was so delighted I had been asked, she agreed on my behalf. I remember lying on the floor with all these other girls paralysed with fear as they discussed boys and what people had 'kissed' boys etc. I did not speak. What could I say? How could I join in? I refused to ever go to a sleepover party again. Even as an adult I struggle with other women. I just don't 'get' them! Stay safe my friend. Your insight is very helpful to me.
I Can Relate To This On Every Level. Going To Sleep Overs And Changing In The Locker Room Is A Complete Challenge. I Am Always Afraid Girls Will Hurt Me Like All The Ones Did Before. In Seventh And Eighth Grade I Would Always Stay Hidden When I Changed. I Always Got Questions Why....But I Knew I Couldn't Tell...Especially Since Two Of My Perps Were In The Same Gym Class. Thank You For Posting. This Was Very Helpful.
Photo
intrepidshe
Mar 16 2014 07:56 PM

I could have written this. Thank you. I, too, did not like other children because I could not understand their frame of reference. I remember going to a sleepover party of a girl when I was 10. I didn't want to go, but the parent had asked mum, and I think she was so delighted I had been asked, she agreed on my behalf. I remember lying on the floor with all these other girls paralysed with fear as they discussed boys and what people had 'kissed' boys etc. I did not speak. What could I say? How could I join in? I refused to ever go to a sleepover party again. Even as an adult I struggle with other women. I just don't 'get' them! Stay safe my friend. Your insight is very helpful to me.

 

Mand, I'm comforted to hear I am not alone in this. I grew up feeling very weird. These days I'm more likely to celebrate my uniqueness and seek others who I get and who get me. Now to just figure out how to have real relationships.

 

One thing at a time.

Photo
intrepidshe
Mar 16 2014 07:57 PM

I Can Relate To This On Every Level. Going To Sleep Overs And Changing In The Locker Room Is A Complete Challenge. I Am Always Afraid Girls Will Hurt Me Like All The Ones Did Before. In Seventh And Eighth Grade I Would Always Stay Hidden When I Changed. I Always Got Questions Why....But I Knew I Couldn't Tell...Especially Since Two Of My Perps Were In The Same Gym Class. Thank You For Posting. This Was Very Helpful.

 

Ugh . . . the locker room. I received a significant amount of bullying in there. How horrible that you had abusers in class with you and you had to change at the same time as them. I swear the locker room is designed on purpose to insight abuse.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

Search My Blog

December 2014

S M T W T F S
 123456
78910111213
14151617 18 1920
21222324252627
28293031   

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.