[Francesca]

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. --Always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. --Always

3. I feel ashamed. --Always

4. I'm different from other people. --Always

5. I feel powerless. --Usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.--Always

7. I want to die. --Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. --Rarely

9. I hate myself. --Usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.--Rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy. --Usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.--Usually

13. I'm often confused. --Sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. --Usually

15. I'm scared of success.--Usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. --Usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. --Never

18. I'm a perfectionist. --Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.--Rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. --Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.--Rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. --Sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. --Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. --Rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. --Usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. --Sometimes

7. I cry all the time. --Usually

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. --Usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. --Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. --Rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. --Rarely

12. I get depressed a lot. --Usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. --Sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. --Sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. --Sometimes

16. I've been violent. --Sometimes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. --Rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. --Rarely

2. I frequently space out. --Rarely

3. My body often feels numb. --Rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. --Rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). --Usually

6. I think my body is ugly. --Always

7. I hide my body. --Usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. --Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. --Rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. --Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. --Sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) --Always

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. --Rarely

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. --Sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. --Sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. --Sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. --Usually

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. --Rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. --Rarely

3. I don't have many friends. --Sometimes

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. --Rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. --Usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. --Always

7. I don't know what love is. --Never

8. I find it hard to trust people. --Rarely

9. I think people are going to leave me. --Always

10. I test people a lot. --Usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. --Rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. --Rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.--Always

14. I have a hard time saying no. --Always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. --Sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. --Sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. --Never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. --Usually

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. --Rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. --Never

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. --Rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. --Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. --Sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. --Never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. --Sometimes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. --Rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" --Rarely

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. --Usually

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. --Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. --Sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. --Sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex. --Usually

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. --Usually

14. I need to control everything about sex. --Rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. --Rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. --Rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. --Sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. --Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. --Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. --Sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. --Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. --Usually

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. --Sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. --Sometimes

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. --Always

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. --Always

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. --Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. --Usually

8. I've successfully protected children. --Always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. --Sometimes

10. I have abused children. --Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). --Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. --Sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) --Rarely

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. --Usually

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. --Usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. --Usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. --Usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. --Sometimes

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. --Usually

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...
like I have a LOT to work on.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...
I think self esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of...
I think sexuality

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...
I don't know

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...
I don't know

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...
I don't know

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...
Everything

8. I was surprised by...
the fact that I don't know much

9. I learned...
That I have a lot to learn.

[Cira]

Alright, I've truthfully been avoiding this thread for quite awhile now, but I'm going to try it. (Deep breath)  I promised myself I'd answer honestly, so here goes nothing...

SELF ESTEEM
1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. usually
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. usually
3. I feel ashamed. sometimes
4. I'm different from other people. always
5. I feel powerless. sometimes
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. often
7. I want to die. rarely
8. I want to kill myself. rarely
9. I hate myself. sometimes
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes
11. I don't deserve to be happy. usually
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. rarely
13. I'm often confused. rarely
14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. usually
15. I'm scared of success. usually
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. usually
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. never
18. I'm a perfectionist.  usually
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Not in the last 5 years or so.
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Eeeek, not since I was about 15.

MY FEELINGS
1. I don't think feelings are very important. sometimes
2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. rarely
3. I can't tell one feeling from another. rarely
4. I only experience one or two emotions. rarely
5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually - everywhere but here on the boards!
6. I have a hard time crying freely. usually - especially if I'm not alone
7. I cry all the time. rarely
8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. sometimes
9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. sometimes
10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. never
11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. usually
12. I get depressed a lot. sometimes
13. I have a lot of nightmares. sometimes
14. I have panic attacks. rarely
15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. rarely
16. I've been violent. never
17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. rarely

MY BODY
1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. rarely
2. I frequently space out. sometimes
3. My body often feels numb. never
4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. someteims
5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). usually
6. I think my body is ugly. always
7. I hide my body. always
8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never
9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. rarely
10. I often eat compulsively. often
11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes
12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely
13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. rarely
14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. rarely
15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. usually
16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. usually
17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. always

INTIMACY
1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. sometimes
2. Most of my relationships just don't work. always
3. I don't have many friends. Truly close ones?  Not many.
4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always
5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. often
6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. sometimes
7. I don't know what love is. rarely
8. I find it hard to trust people. always
9. I think people are going to leave me. sometimes
10. I test people a lot. usually
11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Usually - especially being nurtured.  Nurturing others is second nature to me.
12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. rarely
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. usually
14. I have a hard time saying no. sometimes
15. People take advantage of me in relationships. rarely
16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. rarely
17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Not lately.
18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. ALWAYS
19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never
20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. Always

SEXUALITY
1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. Usually
2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Yep.
3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes
4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. never
5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. Never
6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. never
7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed." never
8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. sometimes
9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. rarely
10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. never
11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. You've got to be kidding...
12. I've sold myself for sex. never
13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. rarely
14. I need to control everything about sex. usually
15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. usually
16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. sometimes
17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. usually
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never
20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. usually
21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING
1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. rarely
2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never
3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. rarely
4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never
5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. n/a
6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never
7. I tend to be overprotective. sometimes
8. I've successfully protected children. Always
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. rarely
10. I have abused children. never
11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. I have strained relationships with my family. usually
2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa). often
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. sometimes
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. sometimes
5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. usually
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Mostly, yeah.
8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. rarely - in large part because I've given up.

---
1. When I look over my responses, I feel...
Proud of how far I've come in the area of self-esteem (believe it or not, it used to be A LOT worse), but also overwhelmed at how much I still have to work through.  Seeing it in black and white like that is a little frightening!

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Self-esteem and sexuality, though I dare say all of these areas need a lot of work.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... Children and parenting, I guess.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... Self-esteeem, emotions and some of the sexuality.  Especially the questions about SI, ED's and suicide.  I hate admitting that I'm not in complete control.  I hate having to take my mask off and show what's really there.  My mask gets pretty cozy at times.  Hmmmm...

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... My self-esteem.  As hard as it will be, I've actually made a lot of progress already.  I'm learning to honor that. If I've done this much, I can do the rest. :)

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...
My self-esteem.  I used to completely hate myself, and I used to have a major death wish.  I don't drink anymore - at least, not to numb the pain.  Intimacy - I'm slowly learning to trust others. Emotions - I've allowed myself to cry a little bit, and I have an easier time expressing my emotions.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... Sexuality.  I have sooo much to work on, and don't feel as if I have a whole lot to work WITH.

8. I was surprised by... The fact that I acutally answered this honestly.  Now, if I leave it posted, that will be another surprise.

9. I learned... That I've made a lot of progress, even though I still have a lot to work on.

[Tasha]

This is a post I am so excited about!  I have had my Courage to Heal workbook out lately for the first time in, I guess, about two and a half years, reading through everything I wrote in it two and a half years ago.  I did these exercises from this thread in my book, and I wanted to post my responses to these same questions now.  The difference in my answers is so exciting for me to realize, and I can really mark the progress of my healing journey.

It is so wonderful now to think of the "dark days" when I first started out on my healing journey and realize that healing really does happen.  If anyone is reading this who feels like they are drowning in memories, flashbacks and triggers and that they can't do this anymore, I hope so much that you can take hope that there really is healing and it really does get better.  My triggers and memories and nightmares and flashbacks and bad feelings and all of it....it's all so much less now.  So many of my triggers no longer even bother me now...I've been able to come to terms with so many things and view them as they truly are, not as I was "wired" to feel about them.  The abuse doesn't have the hold on me it once did.  I am not overwhelmed with depression...I have down days, but nothing at all like the depression I once struggled with.  I don't think about the abuse every day now...and when it does cross my mind, it's just a little "blip" on the radar and then gone.  It is no longer on the front burner of my life.  I feel like a healthy, whole woman.  It is still a part of me and always will be, but now I have a happy, peaceful life with healthy and well-rounded relationships.  I am still learning and growing.  When I look back now at how I felt two and half or so years ago, I am so amazed at the healing that's taken place, and how differently I feel now.  It's amazing.  Back then, I NEVER thought that I really would heal, honestly.  I never thought I would be where I am today.  

But enough blabbering!!!  I will first post my original questions and answers from then, when I really was in my crisis stage of healing and did these exercises.  Afterwards, I'll put my responses from today, 2004.

------------------------------------------------------------

2002

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  rarely

3. I feel ashamed.  always

4. I'm different from other people. always

5. I feel powerless. usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  sometimes

7. I want to die.  rarely

8. I want to kill myself.  never

9. I hate myself.  sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.  sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  usually

13. I'm often confused.  sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  usually

15. I'm scared of success.  sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.  never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.  never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions.  sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. always

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  always

7. I cry all the time. rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.  usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  usually

14. I have panic attacks.  sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. usually

16. I've been violent.  never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. sometimes

2. I frequently space out.  usually

3. My body often feels numb. usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. always

7. I hide my body.  always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  never

10. I often eat compulsively.  always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  rarely

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  Never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  Always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  Usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  sometimes

3. I don't have many friends.  rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  sometimes

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  usually

7. I don't know what love is.  never

8. I find it hard to trust people.  always

9. I think people are going to leave me.  always

10. I test people a lot.  usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. rarely

14. I have a hard time saying no.  usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  always

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. always

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  I'm married...

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  usually

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  usually

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  usually

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  rarely, unless it's my preferred SI method at the time

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex.  never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  usually

14. I need to control everything about sex.  rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.  always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. always

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  always

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. usually

8. I've successfully protected children. sometimes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... ashamed, disgusted, saddened...also relieved that as a survivor, there is a process and I'm not alone.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... my ability to express emotions like a normal person.  my ability to stand up for myself.

3. I was least affected in the areas of...I don't know.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...how screwed up I am emotionally and sexually.   How screwed up my family is.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my emotional capability, my ability and willingness to trust.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...trusting, letting go, speaking about the abuse.  facing it.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my issues with my family.  The way my mom views everything.

8. I was surprised by...n/a

9. I learned...n/a

------------------------------------------------------------

2004

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  Rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.   Never

3. I feel ashamed.   Rarely

4. I'm different from other people.   Sometimes

5. I feel powerless.   Rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  Rarely

7. I want to die.   Never

8. I want to kill myself.   Never

9. I hate myself.   Rarely

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.   Never

11. I don't deserve to be happy.   Never

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.   Rarely

13. I'm often confused.   Rarely

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.   Rarely

15. I'm scared of success.   Never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  Rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.   Sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.  Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.   Never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  Never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  Rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.   Rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.   Rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  Sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  Sometimes

7. I cry all the time.  Rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  Never

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  Never

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  Rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  Sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.  Rarely

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  Rarely

14. I have panic attacks.  Rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.  Never

16. I've been violent.  Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  Never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.   Rarely

2. I frequently space out.   Rarely

3. My body often feels numb.  Rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.   Rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).   Sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly.  Sometimes

7. I hide my body.   Sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.   Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  Never

10. I often eat compulsively.  Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  Rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)  Never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  Never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  Sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  Rarely

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.   Never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  Always - ok, this one isn't likely to ever change!  :P/>

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  Rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  Rarely

3. I don't have many friends.  Rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  Rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  Never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  Rarely

7. I don't know what love is.  Never

8. I find it hard to trust people.  Sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me.  Sometimes

10. I test people a lot.  Rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  Rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.  Sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  Never

14. I have a hard time saying no.  Sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  Sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  Rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  Rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  Rarely

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  Never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.
Rarely

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  Rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  Rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  Rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  Never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  Never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  Never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  Rarely

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  Rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex.  Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  Never (now)

14. I need to control everything about sex.  Rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.  Never

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  Never

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  Rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.  Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  Never

21. I've sexually abused others.  Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.  Never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  Never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.  Rarely

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.  Sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.  Never

7. I tend to be overprotective.  Sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children.  Usually

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.  Never

10. I have abused children.  Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.  Sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)  Rarely

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  Rarely

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  Never - now I know it's them Bahahaha

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.  Sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  Always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.  Never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... at peace and happy with the healing that has taken place in my life.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...relationships and my own feelings about myself..coming to terms with those relationships and turning my feelings of self=hatred into something healthy...seeing the truth of who and what I am.

3. I was least affected in the areas of...parenting.  I've always had it together with my own children, (other than the same problems/struggles all parents face) and that's the greatest victory.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...that I did allow myself to be abused as an adult and did allow my children to be mistreated when I was too weak to stand up and make needed changes.  However, I have to move past those times and realize I have made changes and grown and things are different now.  I am now able to think of myself in healthier ways and treat myself with respect, and protect myself from abuse as I never could before.  I allow myself healthy boundaries now, and limits.  It's so much better for me and for my children.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...my body image and my physical health...getting stronger.  Continuing to work on areas in my self-esteem and believing in myself and my abilities to succeed.  Learning how to balance!  Having healthy relationships!  I feel hopeful about continuing to learn that it's okay to reach out for help when I need it...that can still be a hard one for me, but I'm working on it.  I have all the tools now and I know I can only keep growing in these areas.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...relationships!  Healthy thinking about myself and those I have relationships with.  Codependency...(lol...I have a friend here who knows a bit about this area in my life.)  ;)/>  I have made major strides in learning that I am not responsible for everyone else, only for myself.  I've learned that other people's actions are not my fault and that I don't have to take on that responsibility.  I've learned that I can set limits and boundaries and healthy people respect that, and that the people who DON'T respect it have their own problems to work on, and that's not my burden to carry either.  Major, major strides here.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...I don't feel too hopeless now about anything.  Some things are harder than others, but nothing feels "hopeless" now.  It's never going to be perfect and I accept that, but I believe there is always hope for growth and healing and things to get better.

8. I was surprised by...the fact that I really did heal and the awful feelings aren't so awful now.  How I have turned a page in my life and the abuse is not so prevalent now.  How I go days without thinking of it, and when I do it's not such a gut-wrenching slam as it used to be.  I'm not sidelined by it like I used to be.  

9. I learned...that I can be and that I am a healthy, whole woman.  That I can heal, and I have.  That life can be good and if things are bad, I have the tools and the power to make the needed changes in my life, no matter how hard it seems...one step at a time.  That I can feel at peace and have joy in my life and when there is sadness and pain, I can get through that, too.  Life isn't perfect but it's wonderful.  I'm so glad to be 33 and where I am now, and I have really learned that now I look forward to my future and every day ahead of me.

[smalls]

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.  usually

4. I'm different from other people.  always

5. I feel powerless.  usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  usually

7. I want to die.  rarely

8. I want to kill myself.  never

9. I hate myself. sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.  sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  usually

13. I'm often confused.  always

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  always

15. I'm scared of success.  usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. never

18. I'm a perfectionist. never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  usually

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.  usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  usually

7. I cry all the time.  rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  rarely

12. I get depressed a lot.  always

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  always

14. I have panic attacks.  sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.  always

16. I've been violent.  never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.  sometimes

2. I frequently space out.  always

3. My body often feels numb.  sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  rarely

6. I think my body is ugly.  sometimes

7. I hide my body.  sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  always

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  usually

10. I often eat compulsively.  never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  always

3. I don't have many friends. always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  always

7. I don't know what love is.  always

8. I find it hard to trust people.  always

9. I think people are going to leave me.  always

10. I test people a lot.  usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.  sometimes  

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  always

14. I have a hard time saying no. always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  never (don't have a partner)

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  never  (no partner)

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.  never (no partner

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  usually

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"   never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.   never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex.  never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.  usually

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  always

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  always

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. rarely

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. usually

21. I've sexually abused others.  never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. n/a

7. I tend to be overprotective.  n/a

8. I've successfully protected children. n/a

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. n/a

10. I have abused children. n/a

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.  sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.  usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. usually

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.  always

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel like I have a lot of work still to do.  Frustrated and scared that I still have so much to work on.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of intimacy and sexuality.

3. I was least affected in the areas of feelings.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were the statements about sexuality and intimacy.  Specifically that I've had sex with someone who didn't respect me.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in family of origin.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...no areas so far...hoping that will change.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing sexuality/intimacy.

8. I was surprised by how much this hurt.

9. I learned that I have a long way to go.

[holly]

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. always

4. I'm different from other people. sometimes

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. always

7. I want to die. sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. rarely

9. I hate myself. usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. usually

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. rarely

15. I'm scared of success. rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. always

18. I'm a perfectionist. always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. others are, mine sometimes aren't

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. always

7. I cry all the time. never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. usually

12. I get depressed a lot. sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. usually

14. I have panic attacks. sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. usually

16. I've been violent. never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.
rarely
MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. rarely

2. I frequently space out. rarely

3. My body often feels numb. sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. always

7. I hide my body. always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. sometimes

10. I often eat compulsively. rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) haven't in almost a year

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. yes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. no

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. yes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. always

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. yes, always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. usually

3. I don't have many friends. rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. always

7. I don't know what love is. usually

8. I find it hard to trust people. always

9. I think people are going to leave me.always

10. I test people a lot. always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. usually, but easier to nurture than be nurtured

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.
sometimes
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. well we just broke up

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. it did

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. yup

3. I really think sex is disgusting. always

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. always

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. always

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. always

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.
always
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. rarely

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.
never
5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). na

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)
always
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.
always
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.
always
5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.
always
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.
always
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.
always
8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. rarely

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... like I still have a lot of healing to do

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... intimacy, sexuality, family

3. I was least affected in the areas of... children

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... the ones related to my intimacy and sexuality

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... hopefully my intimacy and my feelings

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... my body

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...
my family and my sexuality
8. I was surprised by...

9. I learned... that I have some areas to work on, but that I have made progress.

[AnnaElizabeth]

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.
always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.
usually

3. I feel ashamed.
usually

4. I'm different from other people.
always

5. I feel powerless.
sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.
usually

7. I want to die.
usually

8. I want to kill myself.
sometimes

9. I hate myself.
usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.
sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.
usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.
rarely (I usually do trust my feelings, I rely on them more than I should.)

13. I'm often confused.
sometimes


14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.
usually

15. I'm scared of success.
usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.
usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.
sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.
never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.
never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.
sometimes

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.
never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.
never

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.
rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.
rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.
rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely.
rarely

7. I cry all the time.
usually

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.
usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.
sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.
sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.
sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.
always

13. I have a lot of nightmares.
always

14. I have panic attacks.
sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.
sometimes

16. I've been violent.
rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.
never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.
usually

2. I frequently space out.
always

3. My body often feels numb.
sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.
sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).
sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly.
usually

7. I hide my body.
sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.
rarely

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.
I don't know if it's more than I think I should, I drink and smoke pot and ocassionally do other drugs, but not enough to worry myself.

10. I often eat compulsively.
rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.
sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)
usually

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.
I guess

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.
not physically capable

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.
yes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.
usually

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.
always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.
always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.
usually

3. I don't have many friends.
rarely/sometimes?  

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.
usually

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.
usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.
definately don't deserve to be loved.

7. I don't know what love is.
"I know what love is."

8. I find it hard to trust people.
always

9. I think people are going to leave me.
always

10. I test people a lot.
usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.
rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.
sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.
sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no.
sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.
always

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.
usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.
sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.
just broke up.

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.
never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.
always

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.
always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.
no, unfortunately, I still do it even when I don't want to

3. I really think sex is disgusting.
with men, always

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.
rarely, sometimes, confused, don't know

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.
usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.
sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"
usually

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.
lately always

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.
rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.
never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.
sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex.
not literally, never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.
usually

14. I need to control everything about sex.
usually

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.
always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.
sometimes, usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.
usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.
never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.
sometimes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.
usually

21. I've sexually abused others.
never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.
sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.
usually

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.
never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.
I don't know, I don't have kids

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.
n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.
apparently, since I was raped in front of the last kids I took care of.

7. I tend to be overprotective.
sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children.
in the distant past.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.
rarely

10. I have abused children.
never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).
n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.
always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)
usuallyy

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.
never, I keep them as limited and far away as possible

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.
always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.
usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.
I hide everything from them

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.
family abuse is known, but never talked about, my other rapes are only known between my sisters and me.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.
ha, ya right

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...
sick, worried, sad

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...
everything

3. I was least affected in the areas of...
abusing others

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...
hating sex so much

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...
my self esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...
my self esteem

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...
my sexuality and relationships/ trust issues

8. I was surprised by...
nothing

9. I learned...
hope?

[AnotherRaisinGirl]

Self-Esteem

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  usually

3. I feel ashamed.  sometimes

4. I'm different from other people.  usually

5. I feel powerless.  sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  sometimes

7. I want to die.  rarely

8. I want to kill myself.  never

9. I hate myself.  rarely

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy.  rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  sometimes

13. I'm often confused.  true

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  usually

15. I'm scared of success.  sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  never

18. I'm a perfectionist.  never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.  never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  nope

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.  never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  never

7. I cry all the time.  usually

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  usually

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  never

12. I get depressed a lot.  sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  always

14. I have panic attacks.  sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.   often

16. I've been violent.  never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.  sometimes

2. I frequently space out.  sometimes

3. My body often feels numb.  sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  --hmmm, sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly.  --never...wait, sometimes

7. I hide my body.  rarely

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  --never (i think i should use them quite often)

10. I often eat compulsively.  usually

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)  never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  --huh, yes.

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  -yes!  

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  --always...not the abuse, though, i have tmj.

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  --terrified.  haven't in 2 years.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  never

3. I don't have many friends.  never

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  --i think i've worked it out now...

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  --never...i demand it.

7. I don't know what love is.  --nah.

8. I find it hard to trust people.  -always.

9. I think people are going to leave me.  -usually

10. I test people a lot.  -always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  never

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.  sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  -um, used to.. rarely now.

14. I have a hard time saying no.  -yeah.

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  -a little

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  never

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  -i'd rather gouge out my right eye.

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. --nope

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  -alsolutely never.

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- no... diffculties, hurdles, yes... problems, no.

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  -heh, never.

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  nope

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  nope.  

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  -nope

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  - nnnnnoooooo......

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.   -um, maybe...

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  -yeah

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  -sexual 'aggression' is quite a turn-on...

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  -never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  never

12. I've sold myself for sex.  never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  -yes, long ago...

14. I need to control everything about sex.  -nnnoooo...

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. - never

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  -rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  -very rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  hhmmm...no
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.  never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  never

21. I've sexually abused others.  no

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.  never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.  sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.  sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.  never

7. I tend to be overprotective.  a bit

8. I've successfully protected children.  yes
 
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.  never

10. I have abused children.  never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.  yes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)  no

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  yes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.  no

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.  never

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  -it's just not their business...i was an adult

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.    see above


1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -tired

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -self-esteemand body issues, i guess

3. I was least affected in the areas of... parenting, which makes since, cos i was an adult

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... about my body, that i use sex to meet too many of my needs

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my body.  lol, not the way i feel about it, IT.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... sex issues

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... body issues

8. I was surprised by... i was cocky about the sex thing... as i answered more questions i realise that i'm pretty f*cked up about it.

9. I learned... i have a lot more work to do than i thought.  when i forced myself to look at some things... behind the confidence, behind the hard-assed bitch... i'm a blubbering baby who hates her body and is using sex to numb the pain of that.  whew.

[kjblue]

SELF ESTEEM
1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.   Sometimes
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.   Usually
3. I feel ashamed.   Usually
4. I'm different from other people.   Always
5. I feel powerless.   Sometimes
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  Always
7. I want to die.  Sometimes
8. I want to kill myself.  Sometimes
9. I hate myself.  Sometimes
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.   Sometimes
11. I don't deserve to be happy.   Usually
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  Usually
13. I'm often confused.  Usually
14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  Usually
15. I'm scared of success.  Rarely
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  Sometimes
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  Usually
18. I'm a perfectionist.   Sometimes
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.   Always
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  Rarely
MY FEELINGS
1. I don't think feelings are very important.   Rarely
2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.   Sometimes
3. I can't tell one feeling from another.   Sometimes
4. I only experience one or two emotions.   Sometimes
5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.   Always
6. I have a hard time crying freely.  Always
7. I cry all the time.   Sometimes
8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  Always
9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.   Sometimes
10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.   Sometimes
11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.   Sometimes
12. I get depressed a lot.   Usually
13. I have a lot of nightmares.   Usually
14. I have panic attacks.   Usually
15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.   Always
16. I've been violent.   Rarely
17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.   Rarely
MY BODY
1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.   Usually
2. I frequently space out.   Usually
3. My body often feels numb.   Usually
4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.   Sometimes
5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).   Sometimes
6. I think my body is ugly.   Always
7. I hide my body.   Always
8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.   Never
9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.   Usually to Always, it depends on the triggers around me
10. I often eat compulsively.  Never
11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.   Sometimes
12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)   Sometimes
13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.   Always
14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.   Rarely
15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.   Rarely, haven’t seen a doctor in a really long time though
16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.   Always
17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.   Always
INTIMACY
1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  Always
2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  Always
3. I don't have many friends.   Always
4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.   Not sure, I am not in a relationship
5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  Always
6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.   Always
7. I don't know what love is.   Always
8. I find it hard to trust people.   Always
9. I think people are going to leave me.   Always
10. I test people a lot.   Sometimes
11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.   I can nurture, but I can’t accept nurturing
12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.   Sometimes
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.   Always
14. I have a hard time saying no.   Always
15. People take advantage of me in relationships.   Usually
16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.   Always
17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.   Sometimes
18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.   I don’t have one so I am not sure
19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.   I don’t have one so I am not sure
20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.   I don’t have one so I am not sure
SEXUALITY
1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.   Rarely
2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.   Never
3. I really think sex is disgusting.   Sometimes
4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.   Rarely
5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.   Usually
6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.   Rarely
7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"   Usually
8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.   Always  
9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.   Always
10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.   Usually
11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.   Sometimes
12. I've sold myself for sex.   Never
13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.   Usually
14. I need to control everything about sex.   Rarely, although I think I would feel safer if I did
15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.   Usually
16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  Usually
17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.   Always
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.   Never, not aroused, but I am interested
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.   Sometimes
20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.   Usually
21. I've sexually abused others.   Never
CHILDREN AND PARENTING
1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.   Sometimes, with kids I do not know
2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.   Sometimes, but not with my own daughter
3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.   Rarely
4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.   Sometimes
5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.   Sometimes
6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.   Rarely
7. I tend to be overprotective.  Usually
8. I've successfully protected children.   Sometimes
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.   Rarely
10. I have abused children.   Never
11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  Never, thank god
MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. I have strained relationships with my family.   Always
2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)   Always
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.   Usually
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.   Usually
5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.   Sometimes
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.   Always
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  Always
8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.   Always
If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. But the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.
1. When I look over my responses, I feel...   overwhelmed, like there is little hope for me at this point, like there is so much I need to do to make myself better and I will never accomplish it all.
2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... I think sexuality and my body issues are the ones that bother me the most, but I think that the family issues are the root of my hurt but I am still not ready to really acknowledge that.
3. I was least affected in the areas of... eating habits, I think for the most part I have maintained healthy eating habits with only short terms of starvation and dieting.
4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... about my sexuality, I am so ashamed of everything connected to m y sexuality
5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... I am not sure
6. I already made major strides in the following areas...
7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...
8. I was surprised by...
9. I learned...

I couldn't finsh the last few statements, I could not think of one truthful thing to say.
Kolee
[I]

[fosca]

SELF ESTEEM
1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.   *usually*
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  *always*
3. I feel ashamed.  *usually*
4. I'm different from other people.  *always*
5. I feel powerless.  *usually*
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  *sometimes*
7. I want to die.  *sometimes*
8. I want to kill myself.  *sometimes*
9. I hate myself.  *usually*
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  *always*
11. I don't deserve to be happy.  *sometimes*
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  *sometimes*
13. I'm often confused.  *usually*
14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  *always*
15. I'm scared of success.  *rarely*
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  *always*
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  *never*
18. I'm a perfectionist.  *sometimes*
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.  *rarely*
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  *never*
MY FEELINGS
1. I don't think feelings are very important.  *never*
2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  *sometimes*
3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  *rarely*
4. I only experience one or two emotions.  *never*
5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  *usually*
6. I have a hard time crying freely.  *sometimes*
7. I cry all the time.  *sometimes*
8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  *never*
9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  *never*
10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  *sometimes*
11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  *usually*
12. I get depressed a lot.  *always*
13. I have a lot of nightmares.  *always*
14. I have panic attacks.  *sometimes*
15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.  *always*
16. I've been violent.  *rarely*
17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  *sometimes*
MY BODY
1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.  *rarely*
2. I frequently space out.  *sometimes*
3. My body often feels numb.  *rarely*
4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  *sometimes*
5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  *sometimes*
6. I think my body is ugly.  *sometimes*
7. I hide my body.  *sometimes*
8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  *never*
9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  *rarely*
10. I often eat compulsively.  *never*
11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  *sometimes*
12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)  *usually*
13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  *always*
14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  *never*
15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  *usually*
16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  *always*
17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.   *always*
INTIMACY
1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  *always*
2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  *sometimes*
3. I don't have many friends.  *always*
4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  *always*
5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  *usually*
6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  *always*
7. I don't know what love is.  *usually*
8. I find it hard to trust people.  *usually*
9. I think people are going to leave me.  *rarely*
10. I test people a lot.  *rarely*
11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  *usually*
12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.   *usually*
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  *rarely*
14. I have a hard time saying no.  *usually*
15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  *sometimes*
16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  *always*
17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  *N/A*
18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  *N/A*
19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.   *N/A, but I think I would if I was in a relationship*
20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.  *N/A, but I think it would, if I was in a relationship*
SEXUALITY
1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  *usually*
2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  *always*
3. I really think sex is disgusting.  *sometimes*
4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  *rarely*
5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  *usually*
6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  *never*
7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  *never*
8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.   *sometimes*
9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  *sometimes*
10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  *rarely*
11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  *never*
12. I've sold myself for sex.  *never*
13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  *never*
14. I need to control everything about sex.  *never*
15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.  *N/A, but I think it would be this way*
16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  *N/A, but I think it would be this way*
17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  *N/A, but I think it would be this way*
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  *rarely*
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.  *sometimes*
20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  *sometimes*
21. I've sexually abused others.  *never*
CHILDREN AND PARENTING
1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  *usually*
2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.  *never*
3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  *never*
4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.  *never*
5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.  *N/A*
6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.  *N/A*
7. I tend to be overprotective.  *always*
8. I've successfully protected children.  *always*
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.  *always*
10. I have abused children.  *rarely or never: i don’t know if it counts if i was 6 years old and verbally abusing my little sister the way our parents verbally abused just me*
11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  *N/A*
MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. I have strained relationships with my family.  *always*
2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)  *sometimes*
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  *always*
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.  *usually*
5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  *usually*
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.  *always*
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  *usually*
8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. *never*

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... seriously damaged.
2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...  the way i view myself and the world.
3. I was least affected in the areas of... what i do, actions i perform.
4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... the chance that i could hurt someone else.
5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... none of it, really.  no hope right now.
6. I already made major strides in the following areas... learning to validate myself and my feelings.
7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...  my feelings about relationships, and trust issues.
8. I was surprised by... how familiar most of these statements seem.
9. I learned...  the effects are proof that i was hurt, no matter how other people may try to minimize it.

[Atargatis]

SELF ESTEEM
1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me- Rarely
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy- Sometimes
3. I feel ashamed- Of the incident? Never (though I used to)
4. I'm different from other people- Usually
5. I feel powerless- Sometimes
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave- Rarely
7. I want to die- Sometimes
8. I want to kill myself- Sometimes
9. I hate myself- Sometimes
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself- Rarely
11. I don't deserve to be happy- Rarely
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings- When it comes to people. I basically don't trust anyone that I trust. It's very confusing.
13. I'm often confused- Often
14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them- Sometimes
15. I'm scared of success- Sometimes
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job- Sometimes
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside- Rarely
18. I'm a perfectionist- Sometimes
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life- Rarely
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting- Never
MY FEELINGS
1. I don't think feelings are very important- Just mine sometimes, but I'm working on that
2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling- Sometimes
3. I can't tell one feeling from another- Sometimes
4. I only experience one or two emotions- Never
5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings- Rarely
6. I have a hard time crying freely- Often
7. I cry all the time- Rarely
8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy- When it involves other people, yes.
9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm- Rarely
10. I feel enraged a lot of the time- Sometimes
11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me- sometimes
12. I get depressed a lot- Sometimes
13. I have a lot of nightmares- Sometimes
14. I have panic attacks- Rarely
15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control- Often
16. I've been violent- Never
17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be- Only in self defense.

MY BODY
1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time- Sometimes
2. I frequently space out- Often
3. My body often feels numb- Rarely
4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me- Rarely
5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain)- Rarely (yoga helps with that)
6. I think my body is ugly- Never
7. I hide my body- Rarely
8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up- Never
9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should- Never
10. I often eat compulsively- Never (I am hypoglycemic and very careful about what I eat and how much)
11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up- Never, though under stress I sometimes neglect to eat.
12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)- Never anymore, though I did a few times the year of the incident.
13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse- Sometimes (mainly fevers and malaise)
14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim- I do exercise, but usually not with that motivation.
15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures- Never
16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth- Never (I spent much of my pre-teens having mouth surgery, so I'm pretty jaded)
17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist- Never

INTIMACY
1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet- Usually
2. Most of my relationships just don't work- Usually
3. I don't have many friends- Always (though I'd like to change that)
4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover- Rarely
5. I think I'm really meant to be alone- Sometimes
6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved- Rarely
7. I don't know what love is- Rarely
8. I find it hard to trust people- Usually
9. I think people are going to leave me- What people?
10. I test people a lot- Often
11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else- It is my nature to be nurturing, but I am wary of people (esp. men) who seem to want to nurture me.
12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone- Rarely
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic- Usually
14. I have a hard time saying no- Rarely
15. People take advantage of me in relationships- Often
16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible- Rarely
17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser- Never, though they sometimes end up reminding me later
18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner- Often
19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser- Never
20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship- If this question refers to sexual abuse in one's present relationship, then no.

SEXUALITY
1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again- Rarely
2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years- Never
3. I really think sex is disgusting- Never (as long as it is consensual)
4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it- Never
5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy- Rarely
6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs- Never
7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed."- Rarely
8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me- Rarely
9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying- Rarely
10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want- Never
11. Sex is the thing I'm best at- Rarely
12. I've sold myself for sex- Never
13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me- Rarely
14. I need to control everything about sex- Rarely
15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love- Rarely
16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand- Rarely
17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love- Not in a long time.
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse- Never
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on- Never (unless you count light BDSM)
20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality- Never
21. I've sexually abused others- Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING
1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children- Rarely
2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids- Rarely
3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids- n/a
4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own- I don't have kids
5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent- n/a
6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of- Never
7. I tend to be overprotective- Sometimes
8. I've successfully protected children- Yes
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive- Never
10. I have abused children- Never
11. My kids have been abused (by someone else)- n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. I have strained relationships with my family- Always
2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)- n/a
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family- Always
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences- Often
5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family- Sometimes
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family- Usually
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family- They don't know.
8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me- I would like that someday.

---
1. When I look over my responses, I feel... lucky that I do not seem to harbor shame over my body and sexuality, but sad about my inability to trust and connect with people.
2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Intimacy, Feelings.
3. I was least affected in the areas of... Body, Family
4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... Intimacy.
5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... Self esteem
6. I already made major strides in the following areas... Self esteem, sexuality
7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... I don't really want to admit hopelessness about anything right now. I'm trying very hard to be hopeful.
8. I was surprised by... Well, pleasantly surprised at how separate sex and sexual abuse are in my mind, and that I actually seem to be taking good care of myself overall.
9. I learned... that I have healed and grown in almost every way, but am seriously deteriorating as a social creature and hope I can turn it around, because I still have a lot of love to give.

This post has been edited by Atargatis: 15 July 2010 - 08:14 PM

[guest567]

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM
1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Always
3. I feel ashamed. Usually
4. I'm different from other people. Always
5. I feel powerless. Rarely
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.Usually
7. I want to die.Rarely
8. I want to kill myself. Rarely
9. I hate myself.Usually
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.Usually
11. I don't deserve to be happy.Usually
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.Usually
13. I'm often confused.Usually
14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes
15. I'm scared of success.Sometimes
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.Sometimes
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.Usually
18. I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.Rarely
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.Sometimes

MY FEELINGS
1. I don't think feelings are very important.Never
2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Usually
3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes
4. I only experience one or two emotions.Sometimes
5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.Usually
6. I have a hard time crying freely. Usually
7. I cry all the time. Never
8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.Sometimes
9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes
10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes
11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes
12. I get depressed a lot. Sometimes
13. I have a lot of nightmares. Rarely
14. I have panic attacks. Rarely
15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Sometimes
16. I've been violent. Sometimes
17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Sometimes

MY BODY
1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.Sometimes
2. I frequently space out. Sometimes
3. My body often feels numb. Sometimes
4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.Usually
5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes
6. I think my body is ugly. Sometimes
7. I hide my body. Usually
8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never
9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Rarely
10. I often eat compulsively. Rarely
11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Sometimes
12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Rarely
13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Never
14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Never
15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Never
16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Rarely
17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Usually

INTIMACY
1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Always
2. Most of my relationships just don't work.Always
3. I don't have many friends. Usually
4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Always
5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Always
6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Usually
7. I don't know what love is. Usually
8. I find it hard to trust people.Sometimes
9. I think people are going to leave me. Usually
10. I test people a lot. Rarely
11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Sometimes
12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.Sometimes
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.Usually
14. I have a hard time saying no. Sometimes
15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Rarely
16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. Never
17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.Never
18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Never
19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Rarely
20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.Always

SEXUALITY
1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.Always
2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Always
3. I really think sex is disgusting. Always
4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Always
5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.
6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Never
7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Never
8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Never
9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.
10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Never
11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.Never
12. I've sold myself for sex. Never
13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Sometimes
14. I need to control everything about sex.
15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.
16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.
17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.
20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Always
21. I've sexually abused others. Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING
1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Sometimes
2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Sometimes
3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Never
4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Sometimes
5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. Usually
6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.Never
7. I tend to be overprotective. Sometimes
8. I've successfully protected children. Always
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Sometimes
10. I have abused children. Never
11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. I have strained relationships with my family. Always
2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)Usually
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.Usually
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Always
5. I feel razy when I'm around my family. Always
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Never
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Never
8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...confused
2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...intimacy, family, self esteem,relationships
3. I was least affected in the areas of...kids
4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...don't know
5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...self esteem
6. I already made major strides in the following areas...kids, family
7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...relationships, intimacy
8. I was surprised by...don't know
9. I learned...don't know

This post has been edited by guest567: 20 August 2010 - 09:03 PM

[AnnaLouise]

Thank you for this. My feelings are a result of a date rape 5 months ago so I was affected in different ways from violent rape. But this exercise was really helpful.


SELF ESTEEM
1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. rarely
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Usually
3. I feel ashamed. sometimes
4. I'm different from other people. Always
5. I feel powerless. usually
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.Usually
7. I want to die. Sometimes
8. I want to kill myself. Sometimes
9. I hate myself.Usually/always
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.Rarely
11. I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Sometimes
13. I'm often confused.always
14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes
15. I'm scared of success.Sometimes
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. usually
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Usually
18. I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Rarely
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS
1. I don't think feelings are very important. Sometimes
2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Usually
3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes
4. I only experience one or two emotions.Rarely
5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Rarely
6. I have a hard time crying freely. Rarely
7. I cry all the time. Usually
8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.Rarely
9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes
10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes
11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes
12. I get depressed a lot. Usually
13. I have a lot of nightmares. Rarely (only one or two that were related to the event)
14. I have panic attacks. Always
15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. YES
16. I've been violent. Rarely
17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Rarely

MY BODY
1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Usually (it's been worse now, 5 months after it happened)
2. I frequently space out. Sometimes
3. My body often feels numb. Sometimes
4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.Usually
5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes
6. I think my body is ugly. rarely
7. I hide my body. Usually
8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never
9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Usually
10. I often eat compulsively. Sometimes
11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Never
12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Sometimes
13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Never
14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. At first
15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Never
16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Never
17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Never

INTIMACY
1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Always
2. Most of my relationships just don't work.Always
3. I don't have many friends. Usually
4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. ALWAYS
5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Always - seriously. All. the. time.
6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Always
7. I don't know what love is. Usually
8. I find it hard to trust people. Usually
9. I think people are going to leave me. Always
10. I test people a lot. Sometimes
11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Usually
12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.Sometimes
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Rarely
14. I have a hard time saying no. Sometimes
15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Always
16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. ALWAYS
17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Sometimes
18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Was struggling, yes.
19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Rarely
20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.Apparently

SEXUALITY
1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. usually (It's something I want, like any human being, but it's tied in with so many weird and painful feelings for me that usually happen after I have sex)
2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. No
3. I really think sex is disgusting. Never
4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Never
5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. Sometimes
6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Rarely
7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Never
8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Never
9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. Never
10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Never
11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. Usually
12. I've sold myself for sex. Never
13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Always
14. I need to control everything about sex. Rarely
15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. Never
16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. Never
17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. Never
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Never
20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Never
21. I've sexually abused others. Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING
1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Never
2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never
3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Never
4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never
5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.
6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.Never
7. I tend to be overprotective. Sometimes
8. I've successfully protected children. Always
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Never
10. I have abused children. Never
11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. I have strained relationships with my family. Rarely
2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)Never
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.Never
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Sometimes
5. I feel razy when I'm around my family.
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Never
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Never
8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... Confused
2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...Romantic Relationships, my self-esteem
3. I was least affected in the areas of...kids/family
4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...How I feel about sex. I just don't know how i feel.
5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...my family
6. I already made major strides in the following areas...family, kids
7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...relationships, self-esteem, sex
8. I was surprised by...How much i don't understand sex
9. I learned... that I'm messed up - self-esteem wise

[NameIsDraka]

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- often

3. I feel ashamed. -- always

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- often

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- often

7. I want to die. -- never

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- often

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- I don't know, really...

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- often

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- sometimes

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- rarely

15. I'm scared of success. -- never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- often/always

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometiems

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I don't think MINE are -- usually

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- I honestly don't know

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- always

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- always

7. I cry all the time. -- never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- usually

12. I get depressed a lot. -- sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- usually

16. I've been violent. -- never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- always

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- usually

2. I frequently space out. -- always

3. My body often feels numb. -- I wish :tear:/>

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- I really want it to be

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- Mostly just pain

6. I think my body is ugly. -- usually, and I feel vain when i don't

7. I hide my body. -- usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- never

10. I often eat compulsively. -- rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- sometimes/usually

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- always

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- rarely

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- haven't had any relationships

3. I don't have many friends. -- close friends anyway...

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- i don't know...

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- unfortunately, usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- always

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- sometimes... (i tend to be TOO trusting)

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- sometimes

10. I test people a lot. -- rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- I'm clingy with my BFF. Always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- always (not the the commitment, tho)

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- never

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- no relationships

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- no relationships

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- no relationships

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- no relationship

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- no relationship (this isn't helping my self-esteem...)

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- I don't know...

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- I wish :cry:/>

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- I don't know...

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- no sex!

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- idk..

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- no sex

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- if the rape counts, then probably...

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- no sex

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- no sex

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- no sex

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- no sex

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- always

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- always :cry:/>

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- never

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- no children

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- not a parent :tear:/>

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. --

7. I tend to be overprotective. --

8. I've successfully protected children. --

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- usually

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). --

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- with my extended family

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- usually/always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- rarely

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- Kind of (my mom knows I was abused... just not about the rapes and... torture)

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- rarely

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- A little guilty

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- most everything

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- parenting. I'm not a parent, though if I didn't have a miscarriage, I would have been, so it still affects me some :tear:/>

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- the body image/intimacy/sexual life/self-esteem

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... -- I don't know

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... -- intimacy, maybe...?

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... -- everything, i guess...

8. I was surprised by... -- nothing really

9. I learned... -- not much