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Posted by TrueBlue , 15 November 2013 · 229 views

I accomplished something today....I went outside and didn't have to fight my agoraphobia and the training that I have been doing has caused some noticable changes in my health.  My stamina is so much better, my strength has improved as has my flexibility.  The best thing though, I was able to speed up my pace and maintain that pace.  I'm tired, but feel powerful on some level.  That was a wonderful feeling
On the way there, though, I flipped out a couple of times and threatened to go home.  I threatened to leave my husband and kids.  I just lost it and freaked out.  I felt paniced.  I felt like I was too exposed and scared.  Just freaked out.  But my husband didn't say anything and allowed me to freak out and then I gathered myself and continued walking to my son's appointment.
The appointment went find and my heart kind of kicked up a speed when she confirmed my referral to a pyschologist.  Apparently, the team talked and found one that specilizes in trauma.  I'm all good with that....but of course I'm one of those types of people that will think about it and flip out a bit here and there.  Just typing about it makes me a bit nervous. 
This will be the first time that I will ever be seeing some one regarding what has essentially been my entire life up until August.  So...yup, I may be a flipping out mess.  But right now, I'm kind of ok, or maybe I'm just too tired to give it much thought.
I'll do my usual things to keep my mind and imagination occupied -  music, movies, tv shows.  Right now I'm listing to Oingo Boingo....I love music.  Hmm, I figure that this blog came at the best time possible because I'll need to vent.  I'll need to get it out - all of the fears, doubts, freak outs, the stories, the memories...all of it.  This is the safe place for my thoughts and feelings.....
With these letters I shape and create a world just for me...
A world of beauty, A world of mystery
With these letters I'll create my world
A world of truth and lies
With these letters I'll
create my world
beautiful and dark
With these letters
I'll create the door from the dark to the light
A world for me to grow and learn
A world for me to become.....

You have been taking some huge steps in healing.  I know about flipping out having PTSD.  Living irrationally.


I love all kinds of music and I find it soothing and healing.  You may want to check out   groveshark.com. 


I really like the poem of letters.  I have a poem I wrote on my profile.


Take good care of you

Thank you for visiting and for understanding.  I hate when that part of me tries to take over.  It makes things a little more difficult doesn't it?

July 2016

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