[daffodil63]

 MMarie, on 11 April 2010 - 10:21 PM, said:

Maybe I'm in denial, or maybe I'm just desperate to hang on to my unhealthy coping techniques of choice (disordered eating and excessive exercise), but...

Are unhealthy coping techniques (at least ones that don't put your or anyone else's health/life in immediate danger) really all that bad? As long as they're in moderation, that is? An unhealthy coping technique is still a coping technique. And one way or another, we need to cope.

If smoking a cigarette or two each day keeps you from falling off the deep end at those moments, then isn't a cigarette preferable to a meltdown?
If becoming a "workaholic" keeps your mind occupied and gives you goals and aspirations in life, isn't that preferable to aimlessness and depression?
If a rather stringent diet keeps my mind off the rape, and gives me motivation to continue through my daily life, isn't it preferable to lying around either hysterical or numb all day?

I asked my counselor the same question recently, MMarie. She suggested that there's a difference between distractions, which are ways to temporarily soothe yourself, and avoidance, which is about not dealing with the problem. That makes sense to me. I know for a really long time, I completely avoided the feelings and the memories. Now, I am acknowledging the pain and trying to work on things, but I still use distractions and coping techniques. I guess those things that help me get through a difficult time are OK, as long as I'm not using them to avoid, like I did before. So I think deciding what's "healthy" is probably up to each of us and how we cope.

[mumof2cuteboys]

I avoid being by myself in large crowds.
I avoid/sabotage chances of intimacy with hubby
I used to hide within my role of being a busy mum, but that is naturally changing because our boys are gaining their independence quite quickly.
I reject invitations
I use the internet too much, waste too much time - tell people I am studying
When I was managing to walk I would listen MP3 player because then I was distracted and could ignore other walkers - currently I struggle to even walk outside my gate by myself
I choose to shop in small supermarket at the time others are picking up kids from school, or other quiet times.
SI - scratching arms until just before they bleed
Not eating, and sometimes binge eating and feeling guilty - not to the point of vomitting, but only because I couldn't physically do it... Yes, I have tried.

That's enough for now. I have more and may post them later.

This post has been edited by mumof2cuteboys: 15 March 2013 - 04:51 PM

[Abbeyjoy]

My biggest problem has been keeping it secret. I was raped at 13, and telling my parents did nothing but hurt me worse. When I was repeatedly raped and beaten by a "boyfriend" at 19 I was too afraid to tell anyone. Drugs and alcohol to follow...it's hard at 26, to not hate myself for not coming forward sooner.

[mumof2cuteboys]

More thoughts:
Currently I am studying and I an good studying lots to avoid other life issues.
I arrive at church late and leave straight afterwards to avoid the crowds.m
I have not been to a large shopping centre for over 3 months.
I have dropped out of extra study because of fear.
I ignore the phone or use texting to communicate with friends because then I can hide my real feelings easier.
I say no a lot more than I like to admit.

Yep, at the moment life is about study and avoiding other people for fear that they may notice I an not coping

[rosiej~9]

This is all so familiar! I don't eat either, sometimes I'll go a day or two before remembering that organisms need food. Problem is I don't put the weight I lose back on very easily, and I just lost another four XD

Others are self harm (recent, very helpful, gotta kick the habit I know), isolation (in response to this "no one cares, don't talk about it" sort of mentality) and avoidance - I actually didn't realize the second one was the case until a few days ago, even though I've been doing it for months now; my mom came into my room (I'm 17) and saw two giant piles of laundry on either side of my room along with general clutter everywhere, and all my school books, my backpack, my school uniform and my purse still in my bed (I wasn't intending to remove them before sleeping) and she stood there for a second and said "this can't be normal...you used to be a neat freak." I didn't notice I was doing anything different until she made that comment, then I looked around and saw how trashed the place was. So weird.

I guess we all do some things subconsciously, from not eating to avoidance /:

~ash

[rosiej~9]

Oh, almost forgot! Got some funny/maybe not quite as funny ones:

-Drinking for emergencies (get smashed and you can forget about anything, if only for a few hours)
-Dressing up, mainly in stuff I don't usually wear like dresses and lots of make up, and going in public without any friends or family with me. It makes me feel like I'm someone else, or at least a different me who never got molested.

Of the list I consider the last one the healthiest...at least it doesn't involve harm to my organs, wrists or laundry piles haha :D/>

[Helene]

Cira, on 21 November 2003 - 12:09 PM, said:

<font color='#000000'>

Lis, on Nov. 21 2003, 6:45 am, said:

Ugh, Lynn, I am a chronic avoider, too. I still make my mother deal with all of my insurance company shit, and I'm ALSO 23, not 6. With the exception of school, I put everything off until it's LATE. Bills, calls, laundry - you name it, I don't do it until I'm forced to. I do, however, feel bad about not doing it the entire time. Healthy.

I can also related to people who said "not eating." I do this unconsciously, so it's a hard habit to break. I've been stressed this past week, and when I got on the scale, I had lost 6 lbs. Not good. I didn't even realize I was doing it.

-Lis

Firstly, Lis, I love you for that first paragraph.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who is so bad about this!  And yes, I beat myself up about it the whole time as well.

It's funny how you should mention unconsciously not eating...I do it, too.  And while I'm certainly not alaramed by my recent weight loss, eating one meal a day is really not the best way to go about losing that weight.  I don't realize I'm doing it, either.  It's just that it usually isn't until late afternoon or early evening that it hits me that I haven't eaten.  Gotta break that habit.

~Lynn</font>

Hi - I'm so glad other people lose weight! I was horrified by the general assumption that raped women would overeat to 'hide' their sexuality (or some ** like that!) - I've been through this twice, and each time I've lost an alarming amount of weight - not intentionally, I just don't want to eat

[Wil]

Used to:

• Not telling anyone.
• Not trusting anyone.
• Cut. Badly and regularly. And not get it treated or stitched.
• Drink heavily, every day. Mostly on my own. For years. And every night until I passed out.
• Starve for days on end.
• Isolate myself completely. Home alone, in the dark.
• Have random, aggressive/violent sex with strangers.
• Chain smoke til I felt sick. And then smoke some more.
• Ignore anyone who spoke to me and just walk off.
• Did not deal with my bipolar - no help, no meds- I preferred those feelings to my 'real' ones.
• Put myself in dangerous situations.
• Play'chicken' in physically dangerous situations.
• Wind people up on purpose, especially men http://www.pandys.org/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/confused1.gif Don't know why I did that - exerting some 'power'? Maybe. Also I think I just wanted to be punished.
• Told myself I was fine.
• Told everyone else I was fine.
• Got better at pretending I was fine.
• Latching onto basically anyone cos was I desperate for someone to care about me (obviously, they didn't).
• trying to create a fake happy family cos I didn't think there would ever be one otherwise.
• Letting myself get used because I thought I wasn't worth anything better.
• Lying to my GPs, hospital staff, psych cos I was scared of being labelled mad (duh - I am mad, pretending you're not doesn't change it!)
• Avoiding anything that reminded me of the things that had happened.
• Avoiding anything that could have helped me eg psych help, helplines/books/sites - cos if I admitted I needed help, I had to first admit that it had screwed me up.
• Laughing when idiots make R/SA jokes, or worse, making those comments myself (theory: if I laugh, then it didn't happen to me, and even if it did happen, it doesn't matter)
• Holding onto anger because it's preferable to getting upset.

Now:

• Procrastinating about dealing with things full-on.
• Not engaging with people.
• Not engaging with life.
• Random sex with strangers (old habits are hard to break).
• Isolate myself.
• Don't engage with other people.
• Don't trust people.

Hmmn. Just realised how long the first list is. Wow. No wonder I felt like sh*t back then.