I am supposed to hand in my pills tomorrow morning.
Right now, I have really mixed emotions about it. There is underlying anxiety. I am trying to not anticipate, but I am afraid of how it will feel in the morning.
It was weird, talking to Dr K this morning. She told me I could go with her in the morning to hand them in....IF I WANTED TO.
In my mind, I was saying, what? She's giving me an option?
I didn't like that.
When I had my session with her Wednesday, the conversation went more like, it's a really good idea that you turn them in. And, I will call and schedule it, and then go with you when you turn them in.
After this morning, I feel like I have a choice.
And I don't think I do.
I don't think that's how the professionals at my VA see it, as me having a choice. Because, honestly, if I really had a choice, I would keep them. So I could use them.
Choice or not, I know I need to turn them in. I feel too close to the edge, and feel the urge to jump.
I am so depressed, it's not funny.
I'm also angry, and anxious.
I just want to give up. Give in.
And part of me wants to die. I don't want to go on.