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**TW: mention of SI and some violent things**
It used to be that when I was having too hard a time at school I would retreat into the bathroom and SI or just cry. I always knew that this was unhealthy but I really had no idea how to cope with the triggers around me or the panic attacks that I was having.
Finally, after a couple months I realized that writing/journaling when I was home worked so well, so why shouldn't I do it at school? I started carrying around a journal that I could whip out to just write what I was feeling. It was nice that things didn't have to be coherent or organized...I could just ramble about what I was feeling in the moment until the panic attack passed.
Eventually my writing became more and more violent. I would write about what I wanted to do to the boys who did this to me, how to get revenge on the girls for lying to the detective. I'm normally a pretty peaceful person. I meditate often and try to think positive thoughts (I really do think it helps with my outlook on life!) It shocked me at first when I realized that I was writing about all these awful things that I would do to them. I don't know if it is healthy but damn, it makes me feel a lot better.
I guess that because there was no external justice, I just really really want them to know that they did something wrong. I would never do anything to them physically regardless of how good it would feel.
I hate that they have had any affect on me at all, especially that they have made me think thoughts that I would not normally think about anyone. So much of me believes that they deserve things like that though. I realize that this is normal, and people have probably had this response before, but I wish that I didn't devote so much time to think of THEM anyway.
Sigh...
It used to be that when I was having too hard a time at school I would retreat into the bathroom and SI or just cry. I always knew that this was unhealthy but I really had no idea how to cope with the triggers around me or the panic attacks that I was having.
Finally, after a couple months I realized that writing/journaling when I was home worked so well, so why shouldn't I do it at school? I started carrying around a journal that I could whip out to just write what I was feeling. It was nice that things didn't have to be coherent or organized...I could just ramble about what I was feeling in the moment until the panic attack passed.
Eventually my writing became more and more violent. I would write about what I wanted to do to the boys who did this to me, how to get revenge on the girls for lying to the detective. I'm normally a pretty peaceful person. I meditate often and try to think positive thoughts (I really do think it helps with my outlook on life!) It shocked me at first when I realized that I was writing about all these awful things that I would do to them. I don't know if it is healthy but damn, it makes me feel a lot better.
I guess that because there was no external justice, I just really really want them to know that they did something wrong. I would never do anything to them physically regardless of how good it would feel.
I hate that they have had any affect on me at all, especially that they have made me think thoughts that I would not normally think about anyone. So much of me believes that they deserve things like that though. I realize that this is normal, and people have probably had this response before, but I wish that I didn't devote so much time to think of THEM anyway.
Sigh...
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Therapeutic Thoughts
on Jan 24 2013 04:14 PM
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i think i should start carrying my journal around at school because i get panic attacks there.
i hate that i devote alot of time and energy into assholes in my life. it really aggravates me. i feel like i should be stronger than i am. idk. my mom says i'm doing really good but she isn't aware of how i really feel whenever i go to school.
"I would never do anything to them physically regardless of how good it would feel." --- i totally, totally can relate to that.
So glad your journalling is helping you.