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The dilemma of sharing with my husband *TW* CSA

Posted by Mand , 23 April 2014 · 111 views

Yesterday, my DH and I were out in a very swanky (I love that word- it sounds posh and rude all at once! Sorry, I am such a child at times....) restaurant celebrating 19 years of marriage. I deliberately chose not to drink. I have a history of drinking to numb myself, and what tends to happen is I become loud and tell him 'too much', then I feel vulnerable and awful. So I decided to be kind to myself, to stay in the moment. To really 'be' with my husband.

I asked my T last week, how much should I share with him about my CSA. She said that was a decision only I could make. He knows the minimum about the rapes and use in pornography I was subjected to by my teacher as a teen. But the younger child stuff, no. I have told him nothing. I will never tell him about the incest. I don't think he needs to know. But what I did find myself sharing was the 2 years of sexual abuse from another child when I was 8-10.

(On a little aside here, I asked my T last week how she knew to keep pushing me until I revealed my relationship with HIM. She said that she was trained never to assume anything, but her feeling was to keep pushing me because when I talked about this episode and one other with another child (a boy when I was 10), I was too 'open' for it. She said by this age, most children are not so willing, and for me, I was very matter of fact and 'willing', which struck a warning chord in her. Clever lady my T....)

This happened at the end of the meal. We were sat on settees in a private alcove. I had a coffee, he was finishing his beer. He started to press me for details and I had to stop him. I told him there are images in my head that I do not want in his, but that I wanted to share that a majority of what I am working on with my T revolves around my attitude to sex. He admitted he finds it hard when I am quiet after seeing my T. I am such a gregarious person as a rule, but I know I am quieter than I used to be. But this is a good thing. I was noisy to drown out my inner angst. Now I am more comfortable with myself. And he agrees, I am calmer, my behaviour is more appropriate.

So why did I tell him what I did? Partly, because he needs to know. He has noticed that I am trying to work on certain things when it comes to sex. And I need him to understand that there will be times when I am going to have to ask him to stop what he is doing, because it is triggering me too much. This happened a few weeks back - but rather than stopping him- I allowed him to continue and dissociated instead. My T had to help me work through this as I was a complete mess afterwards. And I don't want this to be the case anymore. I love him - and (I hesitate to type this) maybe I love myself (gasp!) - too much to allow this to continue. We both deserve to enjoy sex together, and I want to be present and 'feeling' throughout.



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suesigngirl
Apr 23 2014 02:08 AM

"Maybe I love myself too much to allow this to continue" - how i cheered to see that you wrote this.

"Maybe I love myself too much to allow this to continue" - how i cheered to see that you wrote this.

 

I cried.

 

We deserve to love ourselves.

"Maybe I love myself too much to allow this to continue" - how i cheered to see that you wrote this.

 
I cried.
 
We deserve to love ourselves.


Oh yes we do and Mand so happy you said that. I am so happy for you. (((Happy healing hugs)))
:) :) :) Smiling all the way through, from the 'swanky' (new favourite word!) to the fact you love yourself. So, so happy for you. And your DH :)
Trying to love myself. It's very hard- still struggling with food but persevering because I know loosing more weight is NOT an option!!!

 

 

"Maybe I love myself too much to allow this to continue" - how i cheered to see that you wrote this.

 
I cried.
 
We deserve to love ourselves.

 


Oh yes we do and Mand so happy you said that. I am so happy for you. (((Happy healing hugs)))

 

Also the most powerful part for me.  What a lovely moment for you Mand. Sending safe hugs!!!

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intrepidshe
Apr 23 2014 09:01 PM

I am feeling the same as everyone else . . . cheers to you Mand!

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