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how it is...

Posted by missophelia , 20 October 2013 · 163 views

How it is?

I picked the bottles of pills back out of the garbage. They have been sitting in a bag in my living room. Staring at me.

Today, I was thinking, maybe I could take them in and give them to Dr K. If she would even take them. But I think I need to do something like that, while I am having a lull in my suicidal urges.

That's about how it is.

There isn't much more I have to say. I am angry, to say the least. I really do feel like my option has been taken away from me, like I have lost some kind of control. Like, I have no say in the matter. And that makes me angry. And frustrated.

That's about how it is.



I'm sorry you're struggling with so many things. Giving the pills to Dr.K sounds like a good thing hon. Sending you care and healing.

Much love! Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image
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missophelia
Oct 20 2013 06:24 PM
Susan

Thank you. It just feels like I need a ton of courage and strength, which I don't feel like I have, to actually give them to her.

Lots of love, my friend!! :hug: :hug: :hug:
thinking of you Miss.
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Untangling-It-All
Oct 21 2013 06:35 PM
I can understand you feeling angry about it. Maybe you can talk to Dr. K about that? I also think she would probably take them if you gave them to her, I can't see any reason why she wouldn't.

Hang in there. You do have the strength and courage inside of you, you've shown so much of that here. Thinking of you :hug: :hug:
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missophelia
Oct 21 2013 06:36 PM
Zelda

Thank you.
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missophelia
Oct 21 2013 06:39 PM
Untangling

I don't know, I think I will talk to her about it. I'm kind of afraid she will be mad at me for pulling them out of the garbage. And I'm just afraid that maybe there is some kind of policy or something that won't let her take them.

I'm trying to hang in there. I wish I felt the strength and courage.

:hug: :hug:
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Untangling-It-All
Oct 21 2013 07:04 PM
I don't know if she'll be mad. I think she'll be concerned, but at the same time if you bring her the pills she will be happy you are giving them to her. I never thought about a policy preventing her from taking them, maybe you can call her and ask about that?

Sending you support, strength and courage to do this :hug: :hug:
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missophelia
Oct 21 2013 07:42 PM
Hey Untangling

Well, I see her first thing tomorrow morning, so I won't be able to call. I thought about saying something before group to her this evening, but she was with someone. And I didn't want to ask her before I see her.

And maybe she won't be mad. I know she is trying really hard to help me, and part of me feels bad that she's so worried about me, and I worry about her feeling like she isn't doing enough to help me. I don't want her to feel that way.

Thank you for all of your support and strength and courage. It helps.

My biggest problem is the anxiety I feel at the thought of giving her the pills or getting rid of them in some way. I don't know if I am strong enough to do that.

:hug: :hug:
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Untangling-It-All
Oct 23 2013 06:52 PM
You're a fighter, missophelia. I know you can do this. Maybe not this instant, but I know you can. You've worked so hard. It's part of who you are, to work at things, to fight for yourself, to not give up. Because that's what I see when I look at you. :hug:
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missophelia
Oct 23 2013 07:03 PM
Untangling

Thank you for the encouragement. It really means a lot to me.

And she wasn't mad about me taking the pills out of the garbage. But she needs to check on the policies at the VA for taking them.

Now I just have to get back to the point where I want to give them up.

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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