My weekend hasn't been wonderful. And it comes on the heels of me being sick with a horrible stomach flu. I lost a night to extreme stomach flu sickness, to put it nicely. I guess that's better than losing a night to nightmares and insomnia.
My urges to SI are pretty strong right now. I am hoping to get through the rest of the evening and night without giving in. Although, there is a part of me that wants to give in, because it would make my depression and the urges disappear, at least for now.
My depression still has me scared. When the waves of it hit, it's just this immediate kind of despair I have. The thoughts that race through my mind about not wanting to be on the planet, those thoughts are immediate, and scary. And yes, I have played through at least two scenarios on how I would leave this planet.
Thankfully, right now, I am not in that frame of mind.
Recently, Pastor Rick Warren lost his son to suicide. I clicked on a link to the story, and below the story were many heartfelt comments going out to the pastor and his family. Among those comments and expressions of sympathy, were many who were affected by the suicide of someone in their own lives. And a common thread, although it was not highlighted, was the reactions they had.
Which led me to write the following. I guess partly because, in imagining that if I took myself off the planet, I wonder how those in my life would react. Which would not, at this point, anyway, change my mind. Why? I think I have detailed that in what I have written.
I am not actively suicidal. The following is just me expressing how I feel. Just trying to make sense of some of my emotions about my life, how I feel about myself, and what is going on with me.
How would you react if I killed myself?
Would you be angry? Welcome to MY world. I am angry every day.
Would you curse my name? Stand in line. I do that on a regular basis.
Would you be lost, confused? I lost my way and myself a long time ago. Confusion as to why I am still here.
Would you miss me? Donít bother. Iím not worth it.
Would you judge me? Donít you dare. You have no idea what I deal with or what I have lived through.
Anyway, thank you for letting me express this.