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A lightswitch

Posted by writer2010 , 08 September 2013 · 50 views

Sometimes, I feel like a lightswitch. One minute, although worrying about the obvious, I am able to move forth, knowing that I will be okay and that there is hope. The other minute, bam --- overly worrying and wondering how things will turn out, expecting the worst outcome, and this is what triggers the anxiety a bit. I have not had the real bad panics; or if I do, I try my best not to get scared and just sit it out, deal with it.

At my last session with T, we actually talked about the book I am working on (plus, I am planning to give a presentation on the book's journey and how it was there for me when my dad started drinking and recalling the sexual abuse by brother and just all this family crap). My mom is getting married too in three weeks and before I left my session with T this past week, I brought it up and she wanted to schedule me in for next week; but I have other appoints so it adds up in price. My T said that she wanted to, I guess, go further into details about my feelings towards this marriage. I mean, my mom's fiance is really nice but it just feels...odd since I do not know anyone who would EVER stay in a relationship with someone whose ex jumped them. So, that just shows not only how much he loves my mom but how big of a heart he is to even forgive my lovely father for what he did.

I have told my mom, especially prior to moving in with her and her now fiance, that it feels weird to be around her fiance or the fact they are getting married because of my father and all the crap he did. Someone once told me too that I should not feel guilty/embarrassed since it was my dad's FAULT and not mine. My dad chose to do what he did and I had no control over it.

Also, the other day, my mom, her fiance and myself had dinner with his children. He has two older kids (a daughter who is married and a son who lives a bit far so it is not like they stop by weekly). I have nothing against his kids, although I sometimes wonder if they want to/used to kill me since my dad had jumped theirs (after all, if someone did what my dad did to my mom, I would want blood -- or used to back then). Anyway, prior to my mom's fiance's son stopping by, his daughter was at the house with us and said "when my brother comes, I want to leave." I did not ask why, but of course her dad said that she and his son did not get along or whatnot; but she ended up staying when he was here. They just did not talk.

What made me feel a bit...comfortable was to see that it is siblings on paper but in reality, F*** NO! Do not mean s***! But, I started feeling a bit...worried and nerves again when my future stepdad brought up last night's dinner just a moment ago how his kids had a good time even though they do not speak to each other. Then, he said to me "like you and your brother." I then said, "can we please not talk about it" as my mom calmly said shh. But what worries me a lot more is that my mom will probably see this whole "me not wanting to talk or be around my brother" is like any sibling fight, etc. such as my mom's fiance's kids not wanting to talk.

So, I found myself feeling anxious a few moments ago. Just get annoyed still with this crap. It is like, sometimes, I want to truly believe I am making this up or imagining it had happened. But it did happen. All of it.

Anyway, I just hate being around my brother because it just feels fake and brings back all the crap of him and my dad. Even though, I confronted them both of the abuse (my brother yelled at the top of his lungs that it was the "past"), from what my mom has told me, they will NEVER cough up to it. Better yet, apologize. So, I am still struggling to accept that they may NEVER NEVER confess to the public or even me if I chose to call them out again; but I do not see the point in that. After all, my brother is actually scared of me from what I heard. Sometimes, he would shake his head and look away if I caught him glancing or whatever at me. Other times too, especially when he was packing up, he would even say "excuse me" but mumbling it to get by.

My heart goes out to you. You are in a toxic place. Your inner strength must be very strong. Sometimes crap just follows crap.

I wish I had the words of wisdom to help you. I am sorry for all your pain and your plate is so full. Just know I am thinking of you and am here for you.

Keep on taking good care of you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

April 2014

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