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a glimpse...

Posted by missophelia , 09 December 2012 · 27 views

I have depression. I have anger.

I have PTSD. I have problems.

All of these things, they are not some neat little, lets take them out and show them off and look all hip and cute and with it and rad, kinds of things. Let's put together some posts that will get lots of attention, let's take them out and parade them when it feels convenient.

I have depression.

Ever have depression?

It's like, falling into a huge pit that you can't pull yourself out of. You are just there. There are you are. Stuck. And, if you are lucky, you don't plunge further down into that pit.

If you are lucky, you can eventually climb out of that pit and survive, and go on, and thrive.

If you are lucky, you don't pull the trigger.

That is what depression looks like. What it feels like.

At least, for me.

It's not some game, or some “thing” that you can just blog about, with pretty little pictures accompanied by a set of pretty little words.

Depression is real. Depression is overwhelming. Depression is paralyzing.

Depression is terrifying.

And if there is some kind of expectation that is put upon me, that I will be able to work, to laugh, to shower, to eat, to whatever. To post. If there is some kind of expectation that I can just do that, regardless of how I feel, that any of it can be normal, especially the posting part.

Well, those expectations are insane.

And they aren't fair.

There is a song by Nada Surf...Always Love. The opening lyrics are:

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice.

I don't agree with that. In particular, in regards to depression.

Depression, at least for me, feels like there is this mountain of my life that I can in no way climb.

And that is not a choice.



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missophelia
Dec 09 2012 05:17 PM
I was going to preface this writing with the following, but I wanted to post it as I wrote it. But here it is.

I blog on tumblr, and something there happened that made me mad. This is my expression of my anger, and an answer to something on tumblr that I may never hear feedback from. Which is fine, because I have voiced my feelings. And maybe in the end, that will help me?

Anyway, thanks for reading. :)
I think you describe what depression is to you really well.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice.

I don't agree with that. In particular, in regards to depression.

I agree with you here.

You can climb it, maybe you just can't see how yet.
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missophelia
Dec 09 2012 09:02 PM
MissHannah

Thank you for reading, and thanks for the encouragement.
Yes. It is so crippling. It destroys us from the inside out. If we're incredibly lucky, it doesn't destroy all we touch.

Thank you for your words. You describe perfectly the abyss that I am in right now.
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missophelia
Dec 12 2012 01:51 PM
jenbaroo

Yes, you are exactly right.

And I am sorry that you are there right now. I hope that you can find your way out of that abyss.

Hugs, if ok.
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missophelia
Dec 25 2012 05:01 PM
Susan

I'm sorry that you can relate to my words about depression. It did help me to voice my feelings. Maybe we do need to rest on our way over that mountain. And coming here I could never forget that I am loved.

Lots of love!! :hug: :hug: :hug:

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