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Is there light?

Posted by jdam , 27 September 2010 · 86 views

For some time I've been reading the blogs left by other's and haven't had the nerve to leave my own yet. It's as though if I write about the problem it will become somewhat more real. Nothing could be more real, and on the other hand I wonder why was it hidden in the recesses of my mind for such a long time. I've read it can take some type of trauma to bring these memories to the forefront and I've had quite a few of those. These thoughts have been lurking in my mind for some time but I constantly tried to push them away. My brain has been messed up by prescription medications that I've taken for over 13 years due to a emergency surgery I had causing excruciating spasms and back pain. I feel as though these drugs dulled my mind to the impact of what was to come. I almost lost my business because of all my health problems, then I found out that the person I thought was "the One" had deceived me. The crashing blow came when my baby sister had killed herself, hung herself in the garage. We never thought she was that depressed to qualify as suicidal. She had been separated from her husband the year prior and lived with me for a while, her beloved dog died which was like a child to her, especially in light of the fact that she had been trying for years to conceive and it seemed as though she could not have a child of her own. In the past months before her death she had gone back to living with her husband and they seemed to be working out their problems. I was depressed myself at the time and held a lot of guilt thinking that I should have recognized the signs and been able to help her. I still tried to negate all these feelings having so much on my plate and thinking that I must be overstressed and crazy at best. There was not much hope of banishing these images from my mind, as a matter of fact when I went through detox I think that is what originally brought the reality to fruition. Still, I managed to push these flashes aside until my sister killed herself. The reality of dealing with these memories as truth was overwhelming, I love my dad, how could this be possible? Was my sister a victim? There is a deep sense of shame and guilt which I don't understand. Common sense tells me that it was not my fault, but the feelings of degradation and humiliation loom so large in my psyche that I've taken on more than my mind can sort. Every day is a test to stay sane and wondering how much of what is stuck inside will come to mind. There is not a day that goes by I do not go to that place and the flashes are debilitating and grotesque to say the least. I had two therapy sessions and was able to admit to her what was actually going on inside of me. The only other person that I've confided in is my daughter-in-law who has been helpful in the purging aspect. I've had a terrible time facing my family, having three sons and knowing that this will certainly affect how they feel about the facts I've come to the opinion that it would only be a further detriment to bring to light what happened in the past. They have fond memories of growing up and I would never want them to deal with what has affected me. At this point in life I don't think it would be an effective way to put this behind me. I am having a dilemma figuring out what would be the best way to cope with these memories without involving others. At this point I am very confused and not able to see the light at the end.



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snickers_peeps
Feb 01 2011 01:22 AM
hi jdam,
i am new here, i read your blog and although it was 4 months ago, my heart aches for you. :tear:
You must really be hurting, especially that you are keeping it all inside. I wish that you could afford to continue therapy.
I think you writing this out was good, you write well and it is helpful to others. You might not see it that way but it lets others know they are not alone. For example I too lost a sibling. My younger brother, he meant so much to me. For me to know he overdosed just makes my heart deeply sad. I have 2 other brothers, and 2 sisters, but they do not speak to me. My brother that overdosed meant so much to me. I loved him dearly. He was 11 yrs. younger than me.
So please don't think that by you posting this it is a negative thing. I am sorry for the pain you are holding in. I hope that you are finding support through others here, and by posting, chatting and creating friendships through Pandy's. I also hope that you have good friends, at least a couple to confide in, there where you live.

Perhaps I will run into you sometime on the boards. I just wanted you to know that someone is listening, although you probably know this already. Take good care of you, you deserve it. Sounds like you are an amazing mom. You care for your boys so much. I am a mom, I have one son that means the world to me. However things aren't so good right now. I wish that I had kept everything from him. It has its pros & cons.

with care,
~~snickers~~

edited for spelling typo
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mybrotherdidit
Aug 19 2011 06:31 PM
Hi jdam and snickers,
I read both posts and I just want to say I am with you here, no words, just present.
safe hugs
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mybrotherdidit
Aug 19 2011 06:32 PM
I´m so sorry you both lost your siblings. love
Thank you so much, mybrotherdidit...haven't looked at this in forever...seems like a really long time ago I wrote it... been on Pandy's just about a year now...don't know what I'd do without this place and caring people...thanks for your care and thoughts.

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