so much has happened...
Abused as a child... by a woman...
As a teen groomed by a teacher for 4/5years...
Constantly having old men trying it on with me, getting me into situations I'm stuck in.
In an emotionally abusive relationship for over a year...
Relationship with a gambler who cheated on me.
In and out of counselling since I was 13/14.
Thought finally I can escape to University, a fresh start! GREAT!
Then I'm taken advantage of one night when I'm near unconscious after a night out by some horrible horrible boy.
Still suffering from nightmares and night terrors.
Try to get counselling again can't... can't stay this way forever. Need to change.
Fobbed off, messed around, no one will help me.
A year of trying to get some support... nothing
So I'm self harming more than ever, spiralling downwards...
and then I take a shit load of my anti-depressants, just want the pain and my head to shut up for just one evening.
The shame. My now BF has to call and ambulance while he's at work. My best mate makes me throw up.
Authorities step in, put on mood stabilizers, then left to sink or swim alone.
Finnally get appointment after being told I'll get the help... just to be told, oh you need to wait another 18 months for the help... do you still want an assessment?
YOU FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT?!
Finally got some private help on the way... but scared... going to have to open up... re-live loads of scary shit...
Got to stay positive... trying to keep my head up. Trying to be brave but I'm scared.
What if I never change? If my past will always haunt me?
Shouldn't I just "get over it?"
if only it were that easy. I wish I could magic it all away...
I'd give up everything just to be okay and perfect.
Tattoo'd my skin, pierced my face, dyed my hair, put on weight, cut my skin to shreds just to look nothing like the girl who use to get old men perving or creeping on.
But I still despise the so called woman looking back at me in the mirror.
And now, to get up, try and pretend I'm okay and drag myself through the day.