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Day 79: Not Strong Enough for Hostility

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 27 February 2014 · 95 views

Feb. 27, 2014 (8 Days Into Becoming):
 
Work was intense today. So, tonight I have only a little fuel for healing work. My guts decided to be painful today. I can't help but wonder if the revelations from yesterday are expressing themselves as abdominal pain. Even though it's pain, it's not terrible; and it's not nausea. This feels like meaningful progress.
 
I didn't sleep quite as well last night as the previous few nights. But, still it was decent sleep. I'm feeling tired this evening. And, because I actually feel tired, I feel hopeful that I'll sleep decently again tonight. When I have insomnia I don't feel tired until many hours after bedtime (or not even until several hours after I would normally get up for the day).
 
I left work an hour early today because I was worn out. I didn't feel guilty about it or hesitate with concern about the reactions of others. The people I work with don't throw that kind of angry judgment at me, as happened at my previous workplaces. In fact, they only had supportive things to say as I left. When I pursued this job my number one motivation was to find a place that had kindness as a core value - and actually lived that core value. I decided I wanted to work someplace where the people really cared about one another. I decided I would not work anywhere again that was hostile and emotionally violent.
 
Based on yesterday's learning I am beginning to see movement in the direction of believing I need kindness. I searched for the job because I thought I was 'craving' kindness. I thought I was unable to continue working in hostile places. I had no more strength left for the fight, or wasn't strong enough for 'normal' work settings. I had come to view hostile work settings as normal, probably because my whole life had been hostile. I just assumed hostility was everywhere.
 
All in all, I think things are going pretty well this week. I am tired and experiencing abdominal discomfort - and I'm slowly learning to accept and value my needs. Posted Image



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yarnfoolishness
Feb 28 2014 01:39 PM

I relate to this.  :metoyou:

 

Like you, I tend to think that I'm simply not strong enough (or normal enough) for a normal work setting.  Instead, it makes more sense to say that I need to be around people who do not resort to hostility to accomplish goals.

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intrepidshe
Mar 01 2014 12:19 AM

Right on Yarn! And, I think we need to be free of hostile workplaces . . . following our theme of acknowledging what we need, rather than want (or doubt exists).

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

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To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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