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Fathers Day from Hell *TW* CSA, SH, SU

Posted by Mand , 15 June 2014 · 277 views

I awoke today and felt ok. I was looking forward to church. My DH asked me if I was ok because he'd had to wake me from a nightmare last night. I have no memory of this, so I felt great. I had forgotten it was Fathers Day. I went to church, and the sermon started and my heart sank. I hadn't reminded my children.
Now, my DH is funny about Fathers Day. It's really important to him. It is not something that I have ever celebrated in my family. As with mothers day, I think it is a capitalist gimmick. If you appreciate someone, you should show them love and kindness and consideration when you feel it, not just on one day a year. But my DH really does have a thing about Fathers Day....So I normally ensure the kids have got him something. But they are now 16 and 17, I have not been in a place to be aware that FD was coming up. I had done nothing.
The sermon triggered me. Various men from the congregation got up to talk about what it meant to them to be a father, a grandfather...I had to leave and I had a quiet 2 minute sob in the toilet. I returned, but the feeling stayed. I thought was :"My T will be pleased, the grief is still there, I haven't shut it off". And I carried the feeling for a while before it left. This makes a change from my 30 second grief followed by instant calm control.
I got home, and straight away I could see how angry my DH was. My son had got a card, my DD was in charge of the present. My DD did not get a present. My DH was hurt and upset and furious. Over dinner, my DH and DD had a massive row. It was my fault, I brought up that DH was hurt and disappointed. I 'lobbed the grenade'. DD left, DH was angry. I felt guilty.
DD then came down stairs. She started attacking me. She told me that the reason she never spends time with us is because we judge her all the time. We 'disapprove of her'. We 'attack' her. I tried to stay calm. I said that maybe she should realise that every time she felt we 'disapproved' of her, that actually, we were worrying about her. That what she felt was judgement was us reaching out to her because of her behaviour and our love and concern for her. I said I was worried about her perspective that we 'attacked' her all the time. I wanted to help her see a different, kinder perspective. That we tease her - yes - but with love, not rancour. (At this point my DH was not in the room. My DD had shouted at him, said she didn't want to see him, didn't want him in the room....) 
Then it got worse. She had said she would see a counsellor. We have had issues with her eating, her SH-ing, her threatening SU. Today she declared there was no way she would go. She would NOT go. She didn't have any issues. It was then I broke.( I had gently told her the other day I was sexually abused as a child and I was worried how I might have effected her. She agreed that I probably had.) I said that she needed to see a counsellor because I could not cope with my guilt if she didn't. Before I knew it, for the first time in relation to my CSA, outside of therapy, outside of reading the words off a page that I had written on a letter, I heard myself saying the words: "I was raped repeatedly from a very young age". And then I broke. I shattered. My control fled. And I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I could hear myself saying "Why did I let him do it, why did I let him do it". Before I knew it, my DH was holding me, telling me I was safe (Like my T had told me to ask him to do) and my DD was hugging me too. And I cried and cried. 10 minutes. Then, suddenly, my control was back. Instantly. I do find that weird.......But my grief is definitely starting to come out. And it hurts and is painful, but I also recognise that it is necessary. So My children within me can express their grief and sadness and sorry and loss and hurt.
DH is still, sadly pissed off. He admits he is a sulker and is being a bit childish, but he can't help it. I have apologised to him and said I will try better next year. He says its up to the kids, not me. They are now young adults. But I can't help but feel I have been selfish this year. I guess because it is easier to blame myself.
I am worried. My T is going on holiday. I hope I can cope. I HATE it when I can't see her. It is so hard. But maybe I will surprise myself. Maybe, now I have DD and DH knowing, it will be easier. We shall see......

Oh Mand...I am super short on words right now. I will say, don't blame yourself. It is not your fault...not your fault! I will come back when I can. Lots of safe, loving hugs.

My daddy issues are totally first world problems compared to yours (and btw, not actually our 'issues', more 'the crapness of our male relatives'; must remember), and yet I have changed radio station, crossed the road to avoid card shops, gone out of my way to ignore this foolishness (which is so TOTALLY made up, I'm sure I can remember a time before it existed).

It wasn't your fault. Your DD should have been a bit more thoughtful, but no one's perfect, we make mistakes and let things slide, and it sounds like she's hardly in a place where failing to buy socks and a Toblwrone is something she should see as an error. It's a shame DH feels bruised, but he'll mend.

This is crappy, but it's normal family life. What joy :P That it prompted a bit of a meltdown your whole family could see you through - lovely. For them as well as for you.

It probably won't be fun having your T away, but we're here to listen, your DH is wonderful and has your T's advice to help him too, and you are strong as an Amazon.


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Thanks. Went to church again tonight to talk with the pastor. After tight control and calm, now rumbling inner turmoil and anxiety. My old thought of "I have done something wrong" hit me with a vengeance. I'm with you Q. My daughter is human. A typical teenager. Very self involved and "memememe" it's what teens are like!!!! And yes- I don't remember all this FD nonsense either!

Kayla- thanks Hun. Stay safe for tomorrow. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Susanna, thanks for the hugs. Hope you're ok.

:hug: for all of you.

Not much to add except  maybe........sometimes out of the biggest hot messes can come the biggest of steps to health. I am sorry your T is heading off on vaca. Is hard not having those regular appointments. I cross my fingers every single week because it is always hit or miss if I will get a slot the next week. Ya I get it.  I have found as terrifying as it seems in the  moment........ I do survive it and often can give myself a bit of a pat on the back for doing so in one piece.

Sending hugs.
Sending hugs.
Mand , I don't have kids. But I read a lot of posts here by folks who do. One thing I noticed is the pressure to get it right, take care of everyone- particularly from the moms. I think ur dd and ds are old enough to start needing to see the emotional impact their actions have on their parents. I think it helps them understand their impact and grow sensitivity and respect for others. I think you ur not responsible for coordinating them around Father's Day anymore. Let then see how pissed Dh is and why- otherwise in 20 years you'll still be calling them to remind then rather than them understanding that it's an important day to their dad. We all have things that are important to us. I am sorry it's a rough day. I djnt know what else to say about that.
Thanks Nebulas. That helps a lot. I think there is a lot of wisdom in your words. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful insight :hug:
Jun 15 2014 08:37 PM
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Thanks Yarn. Feel like an empty hollows out she'll this morning wish I could hide in bed all day but I have work so no chance of that!
Jun 15 2014 11:43 PM

Oh Mand, what a difficult and still important day in your healing. It is a watershed (no pun intended) for you. I hope your children learn they don't have to rely on you to remember things like celebrating father's day. I hope you don't continue to blame yourself.

I loved your unintentional pun. Made me laugh :) trying to get the courage to get up and out to work. Just want to hide.
Lolli- apologies. I wasn't ignoring you! I don't know if I could keep going without knowing I could see my T every week. I hope that you manage too. That must be very hard and unsettling. Safe :hug:


Hopefully your DH and DD will be able to give you the safe space you need to be able to continue healing managing life while your T is away. I'm glad you were able to let go a little and melt down, sometimes that's what we need, sometimes it hurts to much to keep it all held in and put on that controlled happy face even though its unsettling to let the pain show. Try to keep taking care of yourself through all this, lean on your DH and your kids and on us and remember that its ok to fall apart sometimes. hug.gif

Thanks sugar. They have made friends today - calm reigns ....

I do have a daughter and I know that when she knows she has made a mistake that angered or hurt someone she feels guilty so lashes out instead with excuses and playing the blame game.  Later she realizes that an apology is due sometimes she gives them and sometimes not.  Perhaps due to raging hormones.


I am sure all of this was hard on you.  I believe you handled it well and stated important stuff to DD.  Your DH was supportive of you and that is a good thing too.  Nothing of this situation was your fault the responsibility belongs with your children.  Young adults yes yet prone to childishness as well. 


Please take good care of youhug.gif

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