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Damned if you do...

Posted by slinky_chix , 08 May 2007 · 79 views

I wrote some things down about my mother and how I feel towards her. Its a real mixed bunch of emotions. Yeah I'm angry as hell at her. Hurt at her. Yet she's my mom and I love her too.

I felt guilty writing it, and decided to share with my parnters. They thought it was good. I talked one on one iwth them. I wanted them to understand why I am having problems rite now with my mom. For years we had no relationship, now shes in my life but we can't talk about the important stuff. THings hurt me or make me uncomfortable, and I wanted my partners to know.

Well Susan took what I wrote and gave it to my mom. I feel crushed, embarassed, hurt. Its like she missed the whole point of why I shared it in the first place. That I wrote it for ME not my mom. This is the second time she has come between me and my mom. I really don't know what to feel or think. Well I feel hurt...

Now I wish I never tried to sort things out in the first place. If I keep my thoughts inside they can't hurt me or anyone else.

I've had a hard time with my mom. Sometimes she did real vindictive stuff- lie to family, try to make me homeless, and get me stuck in bad situations. It was real messed up when I was young when she lied, to put me out of the house, and everyone just accepted her lie, that I just ran away, and it wasn't her creating a situation to get sympathy.

Other times I love her but know she will never tell the truth about our relationship. It's sad how enabling the rest of my family is with her. It took them forever to understand some of the shit that happened.

May 2015

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