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Posted by missophelia , 03 November 2013 · 304 views

TW.  Please take gentle care of your self if you choose to read.
 
There is such a big part of me that doesn't want to go on. There is such a big part of me that doesn't want to do anymore healing.
 
I am so tired.
 
It is painful to even write all of that, and to have to think about it. And feel it.
 
But the way it is with me right now, and I need to write it, no matter how painful, is that I don't want to go on. I don't want to heal. Everything inside of me is screaming right now that I just want to be left alone. That I just don't want to go on.
 
A big part of me right now doesn't want to even exist.
 
I am really struggling with that right now. I am really struggling with wanting to even be on this planet.
 
And struggling like that fills me with all sorts of dread, and anxiety, and anger.
 
And depression.
 
I keep trying, trying so hard, to see things any other way. But in the end, it all comes back to that one thought and feeling: I don't want to be alive.
 
The stress I feel every day. I can't handle work. I can't handle much of any of my daily functionings. I go through the motions, and every day it is a struggle to keep myself from running away or hiding under my covers.
 
My physical health is not good. I did “too much” yesterday, but no more than I used to do two months ago. And last night, and for most of today, I have had moments close to agony. But, I saw my primary care doc on Thursday, and she alluded to some of what I feel being in my head.
 
All of that, everything, makes me want to say, I give up.
 
Instead, I just wallow in this depression and misery that has enveloped me and that cloaks me like the darkest night on the brightest day.
 
 



Darling please remember, that there IS a light at the end of EVERY dark tunnel... I dont want to use this cliche but its so so true. Time is a great healer... Give yourself more time.

This reminds me of how I felt a year ago at this time. I was told to use up my holiday time and only come in to work three days a week. So that left me four days of isolation at home. And I don't know if that was good or it was bad. I just didn't care anymore. Somehow things got better though. I still am nowhere I need to be but most of the time it's ok. 

 

I'm in therapy now. Wasn't then. My therapist asked me how I was able to come out of it. I told her the truth. I don't know. I just did. I did just what I had to and no more. The isolation at least was quiet. The one thing that I did was make sure I ate well enough. The other thing I did was continuing to exercise every day. But I had done that while I was in decline. 

 

All I can say is be aware of where you need your strength (what little you have) and be stingy with it. 

 

"I saw my primary care doc on Thursday, and she alluded to some of what I feel being in my head." 

 

​Yeah, no shit. And that was supposed to help? Well you head and your body are connected. Of course one affects the other. You know that the head part is really kind of important. 

 

I agree with RK86. Give yourself time. It can take a fair amount of time. But one day you will realise that things are better. Still not great, but noticeably better. And then you can imagine better.

Sending you strength and care my friend. 

 

Much Love! hug.gif  hug.gif  hug.gif

I could have written this blog myself. I wonder why I am still here, I wonder if its really too late for me to heal, feel different. But I keep pushing through hoping it will get better. I don't want to leave the people I love with any pain, wondering if they could have done more. So that's why I keep fighting. Lots of hugs and support the darkness will get better. I have to believe that for the both of us. Much love Dani

thinking of you.  I do believe and it's true that our mind and body are really one in the same and the state of one influences the other - anyway, I just want you to know you are not alone and that I have to dig myself out of a hell of deep hole myself. It is so so hard,  please know I am here pulling for you and rooting you on.

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missophelia
Nov 05 2013 04:34 PM

thank you everyone

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    1 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

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