Pandora's Aquarium: Lying to myself - Pandora's Aquarium

I am seriously not okay. I did have a "great" time at moments with my family; but because he was there, it just stung really bad and what was really a slap in the face was when I saw how much my family missed him. Then, I felt like a big fat burden. I just woke up and as I was in the bathroom, my dumbass cried. I hate feeling like this; I want to see the positives but at the same time, I want to kill those two who have hurt me so much. Even on the way home last night, as he got a ride home with my mom's fiance, I told my mom that I feel as though that I am a burden and that I am not a kid to brag about because I am royally screwed up. I was doing this on purpose, will admit, because I wanted a reaction out of her; plus last years two holidays were worse since my father wrote nasty texts to me and was in tears by the time I got to mom's family. Anyway, my mom went on how proud of me she is and all I did was roll my eyes like yeah you say that when HE is not present. Then, I brought up those two assholes and said that I am obviously tired of the pain because they had abused me so much. I used abuse even though she "hates" that word and went on to say that she always makes it seem like I am lying or exaggerating when it comes down to talking about those two. Then, I told her that it is their lose that they abused me for years because they are the ones who screwed up. My mom still "does not" know about the sexual abuse part and as I come to think about it, she once told me-about a month after my dad's relapse-that she knows there has been things I went through but that I did not need to tell her yet. So, just makes me sad how in order for her to be "happy" I have to "suck it up" and be in the same area as that prick. He did not look at me and was wondering too why I was not freaking out as much as yesterday; prayers really did help. I just felt weird too being around my family at moments like I was a ghost watching in and no one gave a shit I was there.


Also, just as we arrived there, I was being a smartass and eventually he said that dad has been sober for two years all defensive and I was just too tired to argue with an idiot so I left; but that is what made me cry was the fact that I should have spilled the sexual abuse or snapped at him then.



I am just struggling and I just hate the holidays. I almost want to be with friends now on those days so at least they know that I went through bowl shit from those two so it will not feel so goddamn fake. I know a lot of people have the holiday I do not want to see so and so, but I really do not want to be around family when the beans are spilled. Especially since I do not "work" so I am being 100% financially supported by my mom which makes me feel bad at times but that is why I told her yesterday that I want to move out soon because I just need to be out on my own. Away from certain people.


And then I wonder to myself, why give those two the pleasure like see you made me runaway. I guess I almost want there to be drama so I know that I am not going crazy or imagining this crap. Especially since my dad even came to the front door to ring the bell when my mom's fiance was still here. Long story short, my dad punched my mom's boyfriend a few years back and he tried to brainwash me and him that my mom's boyfriend was a bad person, etc. So that is why I am somewhat relieved that my mom is marrying him-cousin pointed this out-because brother and dad will be around "less."