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Yeah, it's tough to deal with. Such horrible people we've all had to be involved with!
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Top 10 Stupidest Comments
#692
Posted 12 May 2012 - 06:44 AM
Many of the stupid comments come from my aunt, which is specially hurtful because she's the one of the few peoples I can turn to and she really means well.
My aunt (who's like a mother to me) trying to be supportive: "Well at least it's good you notice it" that was a reply to me telling her I was so depressed (over being r* and losing my father just 3 months later) I couldn't even fake a smile and that I felt like just being near other people would somehow poison them with my misery. Therefore I should avoid being around people to spare them from being infected with my sadness.
My aunt: "You just need a change. You should try moving to [insert name of some small towns] to get a fresh start" Well meant but that would leave me with no support system at all. My T (who is a leading expert in trauma-counselling) is here and none of those small town could offer any real support to r* survivors. Plus my support system within my family is very weak and moving would mean leaving that behind.
My aunt: "You should travel to get your mind of things, go to a warm country were you can sunbathe on the beach and go shopping " What a great idea, as soon as I can handle to go into a busy grocery-store without being triggered or have a panic attack I'll go hang out in an international airport and let strangers frisk me for weapons and then go into an airplane where I have no control over how close the next person sits to me or have anyway to escape. And that's just the travel part, nothing about the destination.
My aunt: "You should go back to school" then when I apply for a masters degree in women's studies, she says: "Your so creative, you should be a designer or something. You've got a good eye for colors and fashion." Which in itself is a complement but what it really implies is that she doesn't like what I've chosen and either thinks it's going to hurt me by making me think even more about the r* or that I'll never get a job with a degree in women's studies.
Another aunt: "You look so good, don't you think you're about to get over this?" This she said when we were meeting to discuss preparations for my fathers funeral (He died of a heart-attack 3 months after I was r* by a stranger). Yeah cause nothing helps you heal faster from r* like the sudden death of your closest relative.
More than one people have said this to me: "Aren't you doing something to get your mind of this. Can't you watch a sitcom or something" Why didn't I think of that, I'll let the healing power of Friends and Modern Family make it all better. I do sometimes watch sit-comes but people overestimate the cathartic potentials of it.
My brother on the phone (he lives in another country) when I tried to confide in him how I was feeling: "You shouldn't be so negative, try to focus on the good stuff" when I told him that maybe if he called me once in a while to check how I was doing I might not have so many negative things to tell him about. His response: "But you tell other people about that. You should use talking to me as a way to talk about the bright sides" Gee thanks. For who's benefit should I be doing that? And btw thanks for being such a good listener.
I've heard this more than once: "You're such a pretty girl, aren't you about to get over this?" Thanks for the compliment but attractiveness was a factor in the speed of your healing process.
This has hurt me a lot: "Well he had been drinking to" my cousin talking about the stranger who r* me. Well he had been taking speed to so I guess since of the two of us he was the one with drugs in his system while I was just to drunk to be fully conscious. Although he was able to abuse me for 5 hours in a way I suppose he's the victim here. Poor guy drugged out of his mind, stranded in my apartment (after practically carrying me there) and I just lay there. That's no way for a good host to behave.
The response I got when I posted (in a private fb group I have with my closest cousins) about that day being the 6 months anniversary of the r*. The response was no response. Complete silence. And I know it's not because they just didn't see it.
But then again it makes sense since what I often here is: "You shouldn't be dwelling on these bad memories. It can't be good for you" and "Really? Is your T still making you go over and over details of what happened and then do assignments about it." said in a tone that implies they think my T is either a sadist or a quack if not both. My T does have a doctors degree in SA related trauma councelling, but hey if my family disagrees with her method she can't be that good [read with sarcasm].
Writing this down really is cathartic. It helps me see how truly stupid many of this comments are and how many of them come from ignorance and not as deliberate attempts to hurt me
My aunt (who's like a mother to me) trying to be supportive: "Well at least it's good you notice it" that was a reply to me telling her I was so depressed (over being r* and losing my father just 3 months later) I couldn't even fake a smile and that I felt like just being near other people would somehow poison them with my misery. Therefore I should avoid being around people to spare them from being infected with my sadness.
My aunt: "You just need a change. You should try moving to [insert name of some small towns] to get a fresh start" Well meant but that would leave me with no support system at all. My T (who is a leading expert in trauma-counselling) is here and none of those small town could offer any real support to r* survivors. Plus my support system within my family is very weak and moving would mean leaving that behind.
My aunt: "You should travel to get your mind of things, go to a warm country were you can sunbathe on the beach and go shopping " What a great idea, as soon as I can handle to go into a busy grocery-store without being triggered or have a panic attack I'll go hang out in an international airport and let strangers frisk me for weapons and then go into an airplane where I have no control over how close the next person sits to me or have anyway to escape. And that's just the travel part, nothing about the destination.
My aunt: "You should go back to school" then when I apply for a masters degree in women's studies, she says: "Your so creative, you should be a designer or something. You've got a good eye for colors and fashion." Which in itself is a complement but what it really implies is that she doesn't like what I've chosen and either thinks it's going to hurt me by making me think even more about the r* or that I'll never get a job with a degree in women's studies.
Another aunt: "You look so good, don't you think you're about to get over this?" This she said when we were meeting to discuss preparations for my fathers funeral (He died of a heart-attack 3 months after I was r* by a stranger). Yeah cause nothing helps you heal faster from r* like the sudden death of your closest relative.
More than one people have said this to me: "Aren't you doing something to get your mind of this. Can't you watch a sitcom or something" Why didn't I think of that, I'll let the healing power of Friends and Modern Family make it all better. I do sometimes watch sit-comes but people overestimate the cathartic potentials of it.
My brother on the phone (he lives in another country) when I tried to confide in him how I was feeling: "You shouldn't be so negative, try to focus on the good stuff" when I told him that maybe if he called me once in a while to check how I was doing I might not have so many negative things to tell him about. His response: "But you tell other people about that. You should use talking to me as a way to talk about the bright sides" Gee thanks. For who's benefit should I be doing that? And btw thanks for being such a good listener.
I've heard this more than once: "You're such a pretty girl, aren't you about to get over this?" Thanks for the compliment but attractiveness was a factor in the speed of your healing process.
This has hurt me a lot: "Well he had been drinking to" my cousin talking about the stranger who r* me. Well he had been taking speed to so I guess since of the two of us he was the one with drugs in his system while I was just to drunk to be fully conscious. Although he was able to abuse me for 5 hours in a way I suppose he's the victim here. Poor guy drugged out of his mind, stranded in my apartment (after practically carrying me there) and I just lay there. That's no way for a good host to behave.
The response I got when I posted (in a private fb group I have with my closest cousins) about that day being the 6 months anniversary of the r*. The response was no response. Complete silence. And I know it's not because they just didn't see it.
But then again it makes sense since what I often here is: "You shouldn't be dwelling on these bad memories. It can't be good for you" and "Really? Is your T still making you go over and over details of what happened and then do assignments about it." said in a tone that implies they think my T is either a sadist or a quack if not both. My T does have a doctors degree in SA related trauma councelling, but hey if my family disagrees with her method she can't be that good [read with sarcasm].
Writing this down really is cathartic. It helps me see how truly stupid many of this comments are and how many of them come from ignorance and not as deliberate attempts to hurt me
#693
Posted 12 May 2012 - 07:01 AM
Just remember one last gem I have to add: When I had a complete breakdown at work (my attempt to go back to work within a month after the r* failed miserably) my boss said to me: "Whenever I face problems in my personal life, I like to imagine a mountain and as I look at the mountain I see the sun rise from behind it." I wanted to slap her in the face. She honestly thought that the sun rising behind an imaginary mountain was going to be helpful in this case?!
#694
Posted 30 May 2012 - 06:39 PM
An interesting one by my previous psychiatrist:
"Ah, so, you were abused, that explains why you have chosen a disabled partner".....
"Ah, so, you were abused, that explains why you have chosen a disabled partner".....
#695
Posted 07 June 2012 - 08:57 AM
"Well, that's why you don't go on first dates alone!" Gee, thanks for the insight Mom!
:glare:/>
:glare:/>
#696
Posted 12 June 2012 - 06:04 PM
I was 10 when I was Abused by a stranger while at a New years eve party with my father, I am 20 now.
From the first person I had ever told, 5 years after the CSA, this man had stood up for me, been very supportive and understanding about my issues with my mother. So I felt I could trust him.
He put his had on my upper thigh and said...
“Did you enjoy it”
I burst into tears and then threw up. It took me two years before I was able to talk to someone about it again.
just over a year ago I had to take a form from my doctor to the benefit place with the reasons why I was unable to get a job. PTSD, Major Depression, Anxiety etc. all written on the form, the lady interviewing me looks at the form and says…
“I have problems, everyone who works here has problems and they can still get off their arse’s and be contributing members of society” she then continues to say “don’t you ever want to be normal like other people your age” I burst into tears and my bf who was with me said something to the lady and took me home, they haven't hassled me since
And a couple from my first and only T
“Your going to have to get over this, you cant expect your doctor to keep filling out sickness forms”
And then she tried to talk me into some weird treatment to recover parts I had blacked out, I told her I didn’t want to know because I probably blacked them out for a reason, she then blurts out…
“ That’s true, most children repress memories that are to traumatic to deal with” followed by “Could your father be the one who had raped you”
This really messed up my head, I had no idea who did it and never had though it was my own father until she said that.
From the first person I had ever told, 5 years after the CSA, this man had stood up for me, been very supportive and understanding about my issues with my mother. So I felt I could trust him.
He put his had on my upper thigh and said...
“Did you enjoy it”
I burst into tears and then threw up. It took me two years before I was able to talk to someone about it again.
just over a year ago I had to take a form from my doctor to the benefit place with the reasons why I was unable to get a job. PTSD, Major Depression, Anxiety etc. all written on the form, the lady interviewing me looks at the form and says…
“I have problems, everyone who works here has problems and they can still get off their arse’s and be contributing members of society” she then continues to say “don’t you ever want to be normal like other people your age” I burst into tears and my bf who was with me said something to the lady and took me home, they haven't hassled me since
And a couple from my first and only T
“Your going to have to get over this, you cant expect your doctor to keep filling out sickness forms”
And then she tried to talk me into some weird treatment to recover parts I had blacked out, I told her I didn’t want to know because I probably blacked them out for a reason, she then blurts out…
“ That’s true, most children repress memories that are to traumatic to deal with” followed by “Could your father be the one who had raped you”
This really messed up my head, I had no idea who did it and never had though it was my own father until she said that.
#697
Posted 12 June 2012 - 06:15 PM
And some from my mother.
I told Mother when I was 17, and asked her to not tell ANYONE as it was still very uncomfortable and painful for me.
A few days after I told her she rang me and said…
“I was talking to my flatmate about what happened and her daughter has had the same thing happen, we think you should get together and have a chat”
She continued to tell my grandparents, her friends, most of the many borders/flatmates she has had and the people at her work about it.
Upon confronting her finally and telling her how much it hurt me that she kept telling people (some that I didn’t even know) even tho I asked her not to she said…
“Do you know how much this has effected me! You cant tell me something like that and expect me to keep it to myself, I need to get it out” Yes because its all about how it affects YOU.
Multiple times over the past three years…
“Get over it”
“Move on with your life, your just letting him win”
And many comments about me not having a job. Makes it so much harder not having your own mothers support :tear:/>
The conversation of children came up, I told her the thought of having children scared me and didn’t want to bring an innocent child into this world. She said “Oh great so I guess your not going to give me grandkids” again its all about HER
She rings up drunk a lot and just a few weeks ago she said...
“You are lying to me about who raped you, it was **** (little brothers father)
Wasn’t it and your lying to protect him” He wasn't even there so I have no idea why that would even occur to her.
And finally…
Not a stupid comment but a stupid/insensitive thing she did. She invited me and my bf around for a “movie night” with a few of her weird friends. The movie was about rape and incest and she didn’t tell me. My bf stood up and walked me out within the first 5min as I was crying and shaking. My mother rang up the next day and asked me “why I walked out” Some people just have no idea... and I still don't know why they were even watching that sort of shit.
Telling my mother was the worst thing I did, every day I wish I hadn’t.
I told Mother when I was 17, and asked her to not tell ANYONE as it was still very uncomfortable and painful for me.
A few days after I told her she rang me and said…
“I was talking to my flatmate about what happened and her daughter has had the same thing happen, we think you should get together and have a chat”
She continued to tell my grandparents, her friends, most of the many borders/flatmates she has had and the people at her work about it.
Upon confronting her finally and telling her how much it hurt me that she kept telling people (some that I didn’t even know) even tho I asked her not to she said…
“Do you know how much this has effected me! You cant tell me something like that and expect me to keep it to myself, I need to get it out” Yes because its all about how it affects YOU.
Multiple times over the past three years…
“Get over it”
“Move on with your life, your just letting him win”
And many comments about me not having a job. Makes it so much harder not having your own mothers support :tear:/>
The conversation of children came up, I told her the thought of having children scared me and didn’t want to bring an innocent child into this world. She said “Oh great so I guess your not going to give me grandkids” again its all about HER
She rings up drunk a lot and just a few weeks ago she said...
“You are lying to me about who raped you, it was **** (little brothers father)
Wasn’t it and your lying to protect him” He wasn't even there so I have no idea why that would even occur to her.
And finally…
Not a stupid comment but a stupid/insensitive thing she did. She invited me and my bf around for a “movie night” with a few of her weird friends. The movie was about rape and incest and she didn’t tell me. My bf stood up and walked me out within the first 5min as I was crying and shaking. My mother rang up the next day and asked me “why I walked out” Some people just have no idea... and I still don't know why they were even watching that sort of shit.
Telling my mother was the worst thing I did, every day I wish I hadn’t.
#698
Posted 12 June 2012 - 06:53 PM
Oh and one more.
After telling my doctor I was not going to try the latest pills she wanted me to take after reading about them online.
"if you don't even try the pills how can you say you want to get better, I can not come to your house every day and make you take them"
I may be getting this all wrong but, I think being depressed and having even one moment a week where you actually enjoy yourself is better that taking pills that make you feel like a damn Zombie all the time.
After telling my doctor I was not going to try the latest pills she wanted me to take after reading about them online.
"if you don't even try the pills how can you say you want to get better, I can not come to your house every day and make you take them"
I may be getting this all wrong but, I think being depressed and having even one moment a week where you actually enjoy yourself is better that taking pills that make you feel like a damn Zombie all the time.
#699
Posted 15 June 2012 - 10:50 PM
(((aurora))) if ok. you deserve support and to feel safe, not pressure and selfishness around you. Im sorry :(/>
favorite comment from my experiences was when I first reached out to people I knew, not for support but because they were close to me and mutual friends with my ab*ser and I thought they would be willing to help keep him away from me. Not only did they not really believe me that there was a problem, but one friend I was particularly close with got mad and started yelling at me for confronting the ab*ser without abiding by the bogus rules that HE set down.
Its laughable, really.
favorite comment from my experiences was when I first reached out to people I knew, not for support but because they were close to me and mutual friends with my ab*ser and I thought they would be willing to help keep him away from me. Not only did they not really believe me that there was a problem, but one friend I was particularly close with got mad and started yelling at me for confronting the ab*ser without abiding by the bogus rules that HE set down.
Its laughable, really.
This post has been edited by daylily: 15 June 2012 - 10:53 PM
#700
Posted 05 July 2012 - 05:24 PM
From the first person i told, my best friend of 10 years "your lying. I know your family and i know your uncle he would never do something like that hes a good person". Oh im sorry i guess you know him better than me!
From the same friend: "if it was true you would have told your parents" and "even if it is true, its your own fault it went on for so long, if you had told someone it would have stopped so you have only yourself to blame".
Another friend "get over it. I know heaps of people who have been raped snd they r fine. Toughen up".
My boyfriend "you need to get over it. Its in the past. It was 3 years ago you need to move on with your life".
From the same friend: "if it was true you would have told your parents" and "even if it is true, its your own fault it went on for so long, if you had told someone it would have stopped so you have only yourself to blame".
Another friend "get over it. I know heaps of people who have been raped snd they r fine. Toughen up".
My boyfriend "you need to get over it. Its in the past. It was 3 years ago you need to move on with your life".
This post has been edited by SummerSky: 19 September 2012 - 06:11 AM
#701
Posted 10 September 2012 - 04:19 PM
Right after I told my friend what happened I had lunch w/ her and she said " i think everything happens for a reason even bad things like what happened to you". I wanted to hit her and say 'i'm glad you think i was raped for a reason'
#702
Posted 21 September 2012 - 08:18 AM
how about "Felony rape is a very serious accusation, and violent rape even more of a depraved act of inhumanity" (like I don't know that) followed by various attempts to convince you that you are making it up...
or "People don't act like/ feel like that the day after being raped." (so, you must be lying...)
or "People don't act like/ feel like that the day after being raped." (so, you must be lying...)
#704
Posted 21 September 2012 - 05:03 PM
Double post, sorry
This post has been edited by J725c: 21 September 2012 - 10:27 PM
#705
Posted 21 September 2012 - 05:03 PM
Triple post.
This post has been edited by J725c: 21 September 2012 - 10:30 PM
