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I feel like I'm falling apart.... depression getting worse.

Posted by flylikeabutterfly , 15 December 2010 · 63 views

Ever since winter came, I've became more and more depressed. I've tried to communicate with my boyfriend about certain things and I feel like everything I said keeps on repeating itself. Anytime something is wrong, I blame people around me for how I feel but deep down I know what's wrong. Feel weak deep inside, feel like nothing matters to me anymore. Today my fight with my boyfriend got so bad, I thought he was going to break up with me. Every single day now I've cried my eyes out, over every little thing. What's wrong with me? Why am I so angry? Why can't I talk to my own boyfriend when he used to be the only person I could be able to talk too. Thought about how this relationship may not be good for me, but I don't think that's the case at all. He's always been here for me since day one and now I feel like I can't even talk to anyone about how I feel.

I'm starting to question my own sanity, I feel like I'm getting out of control. Did something I regret, my boyfriend and I got into a horrible argument and I hit his back..... :bawling: He was so close to breaking up with me and I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. My medication doesn't even seem to be doing the trick anymore, I keep taking it and I feel as if it's making me worse. Days keep going by so fast and every day feels exactly like the same. Feel like I'm losing control, I hardly have any friends, I'm so lonely, I feel like nobody even cares about me anymore. What's happening to me? Am I crazy? Am I such a horrible person? I'm doing so terrible right now, sometimes I feel like going some place where nobody even knows who I am. Don't even feel as if I'm important anymore, some days I just feel like giving up. Feel like I don't even know myself anymore...



Hello :)
I know for a fact, you're definitly not crazy. I relate to this completly. Unfortunatly, I found that I would get really angry for a lot of stupid reasons. But the real reason why I was so angry was because I was hurting inside. Anger is safe. You can't get hurt, you hurt them first. When your angry you're not vulnerable, compared to say if you were upset or frustrated. The Healing process has a lot of ups and downs. And it's hard to juggle your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings, your mind, your heart, a relationship, your self-esteem and daily things all together. it can be really daunting and you may feel exhausted, upset, angry, confused, lonely and just down right "BLEH". What I have found in my relationship is taking a deep breath, sitting down and calmly explain to your partner the feelings you feel, the thoughts, your hardships. When I let my parnter in more and didn't just wait till it was all worked up and I was ready to explode on him, I found that having someone to lean on when things get tough again was really good. It may also seem like you are different now and you find it hard to let him in, don't feel bad. This again, is another part of the healing process. Like a side effect of our bodies dealing with what happened to us.

I hope that everything is okay and I wish you all the best, I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or if you just need a vent.
Much love x

-Sakura :butterfly:
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warriorwoman
Dec 16 2010 08:01 AM
Spread Your Wings, when something is not working, you must change it. You recognize it's you, and the great news is...you are the only person in the entire world who can change YOU! I was raped at 16, now 41, and although I have never had medication, if it's not working and you know it's making you worse you must go to the doctor and re-visit the idea. Maybe you don't need it, maybe it's the wrong dosage, and maybe you need something else. Anger is part of the healing, and from all of my reading and counseling, one of the biggest hurdles to jump because we don't know how to handle anger. I learned something very, very important from Dr. Phil and my own counselor...anger is a mask for other emotions. If you want to get to the root of something, figure out the emotion(s) that is making you angry. Perhaps you need to find someone else (therapist, friend, clergy, etc.) to talk to in more detail where you don't feel like you are burdening your boyfriend. I too have been through that, and it's critical to find an outsider to talk with as well. Don't let yourself get out of control, and promise to never hit him again. With that said, you have to get the right help and/or medication to help you cope and heal. Don't waste another day stuck in your rut and wasting precious time in life - it's so short already. Put yourself first! Have a beautiful day.
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warriorwoman
Dec 16 2010 08:02 AM

Hello :)
I know for a fact, you're definitly not crazy. I relate to this completly. Unfortunatly, I found that I would get really angry for a lot of stupid reasons. But the real reason why I was so angry was because I was hurting inside. Anger is safe. You can't get hurt, you hurt them first. When your angry you're not vulnerable, compared to say if you were upset or frustrated. The Healing process has a lot of ups and downs. And it's hard to juggle your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings, your mind, your heart, a relationship, your self-esteem and daily things all together. it can be really daunting and you may feel exhausted, upset, angry, confused, lonely and just down right "BLEH". What I have found in my relationship is taking a deep breath, sitting down and calmly explain to your partner the feelings you feel, the thoughts, your hardships. When I let my parnter in more and didn't just wait till it was all worked up and I was ready to explode on him, I found that having someone to lean on when things get tough again was really good. It may also seem like you are different now and you find it hard to let him in, don't feel bad. This again, is another part of the healing process. Like a side effect of our bodies dealing with what happened to us.

I hope that everything is okay and I wish you all the best, I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or if you just need a vent.
Much love x

-Sakura :butterfly:

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warriorwoman
Dec 16 2010 08:04 AM
Sakura, you have great points about being angry. We often have the "I'll get you before you get me" problem and anger does cover other emotions; like I mention in my post to SpreadYourWings. Anger is the mask of other emotions, so you have to take off the mask, and looks what underneath to deal with what's really going on. Thanks for some great words!

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