Lately Iíve been feeling really down, I donít know if its actual depression but Iím not sleeping very well (I go to bed at 4-5am and donít get up until 1-2pm because I canít sleep), I seem to be getting snippy with everyone, or at least thatís what my mom says but I donít feel like I am. The littlest things have started to annoy me, such as when my grandmother licks her fingers after eating; it drives me nuts! But the main thing is that I feel completely alone.
To be honest Iíve felt alone for years. In elementary school I had a close group of friends, about 5-7 people and we all hung out with each other or at least I knew I could hang with one of them at any time. Then I got to high school and we all drifted apart with the exception of the one who has been my best friend for 17 years (I tend to refer to her as my sister). I ended up with another group of friends, again there were about 7 of us. However I was always the outcast of the group. They would go to the movies, I would hear about it the next day. They would have a birthday party (or just a party for the heck of it) and I would find out Monday. I ended up breaking off from the group at about grade 10 and would spend my spare time such as free period or lunch, wandering around the school alone unless I somehow managed to find my sister if she wasnít in class. Thankfully I still had her, until grade 12. Her boyfriend at the time was highly controlling and abusive. He eventually isolated her and I lost contact for 2 years (thankfully weíve gotten right back into the swing of things as of last December).
I started university in 2010 and was more than a little excited because finally I could branch off, start new and hopefully come out with a boyfriend. Well, my first year I lived in the dorms and unfortunately had the roommate from hell (pardon my language), this girl changed her tampon in the bedroom, chewed with her mouth open and would do homework at 3am the night before they would be due, thus keeping me up all night. I did manage to make a few friends, one of which lived on my floor and in order to fight my shyness I joined my residence council, which actually didnít help me out at all. I never went to parties, with the exception of one and I pretty much stayed in my room when I wasnít in class. This is something I would do in high school as well, if I didnít have to be in school I was holed up in my room away from everyone.
So first year ended with a few more friends, only a few of which have stayed in contact, no boyfriend and a crappy average due to one class bringing me down. That summer I actually flew out to Georgia to see my best friend who I had talked to online every day for nearly ten years, she was the one person who I could tell everything even though I hadnít met her yet and when we discovered Skype it was even better. The 19 days I spent with her and her family were the happiest days Iíve had in a very long time. While there we drove to Tennessee to visit one of our other friends for 3 days and quite literally had a blast. Then I had to go home and things just went downhill from there. Second year began and then I was living with my friend from the dorms as well as two other girls who we didnít know but had apparently matched our profile quiz done by apartment staff. The one was horrible. She came from money and mommy and daddy paid for everything, including her alcohol (her parents would actually drink with her when visiting). The other was okay, as long as she wasnít around the first one. They both drank nightly and I actually timed them once and they drank from 11am until 5am the next day, even taking the booze to class with them. They were inconsiderate hypocrites (I could not leave a pot out over night to soak but they could leave one for days.) and they took over the living room. They intimidated me to the point where I locked myself in my room, only coming out to cook (I would eat in my room) and to go to class, eventually I started to just eat out because I couldnít even stand to cook with them home.
I guess Iím not quite at the loneliness part of things yet, other than the obvious holed up in my bedroom thing. Everywhere I go I see people in relationships. A lot of the people I knew from high school are either parents, dating someone, engaged OR as I discovered last night married (Congratulations to Mei and her new husband). Seeing this last night really brought me down because it seems like everyone is happy but me. Three of my friends are in stable relationships with kids, more than half are dating/engaged, including my sister and my uncles. Itís getting to be downright depressing; I am 21 years old and canít help but think, ďWhat is so wrong with me that I canít even get a date?Ē I frequently wonder if men can see right through me and know what happened, I know that logically they canít but itís always in the back of my mind.
I am just so sick of being alone, I know that I have to get out there to meet people but everyone I would hang out with either lives out of town or works so they never have the time and I hate going out alone, I get all nervous and anxious. I frequently wonder if Iím going to be alone forever and I donít want to be alone, I want to be happy.