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Joyful Child

Posted by chelirach , 06 June 2012 · 115 views

Recently I was told by someone that when I am in a certain place I do not have to be a joyful child. Sorry for the vagueness there, just trying to say something without revealing to much.

My mother constantly tells me that I was the child she was supposed to enjoy. I suppose she did not enjoy my sister either. But she was supposed to enjoy me, and then I had to mess everything up by being born broken. She makes it all about her. How hard it was for her, how much she suffered and so on. Which I am sure she did. But she dismisses me, my feelings, how I was impacted. . I cannot even bring it up, if I do she dismisses it she tells me that I was just a baby, I am being to sensitive, and so on. It had no effect on me in her opinion. To admit it did have an impact on me would somehow look badly on her.

I was never permitted to have angry or negative feelings as a child. I did of course, and I was shamed for it. My mother likes nothing more then to tell stories about what a difficult child I was, how I would cry, have tantrums. I have never heard a good story from her about me as a child. She has nothing positive to say about me.

Of course there are positive things in our relationships. Good memories, she has been a good mother in some ways. But the problem is I have spent my life on this positive side doing everything I can to convince myself she is only a good mother. And doing everything I can to do to convince her of that as well. Our roles are reversed. I am the parent and she is the child and I spend my time trying to reassure her and being there for her emotionally. But she is not emotionally available to me. I am protecting both of us from the truth. I spend so much time trying to convince her and reassure her that I am okay. And at the same time masking how I am, pretending I am fine. Not just to her, to the world.

If I tell people how I really am, they will reject me, just like my mother did.

The truth is she cannot handle it. She cannot handle knowing how much she damaged me. She cannot handle knowing my struggle and where I am at. She is the type of mother who does not believe her own daughter when her daughter tells her she was raped. '

I react to most people as if they are my mother. I spend so much time and energy taking care of the needs of others, making sure they are happy, making sure they are okay, making sure they like me. If they are okay and happy then I am okay and happy. I am safe. I focus so much on others ignoring myself and my own needs. I am not permitted to have needs.

I spend so much energy focusing on remaining the "joyful child" so others will like me and accept me. But then I feel unseen, unvalidated, hated, and rejected. When I do this people are not seeing me as me they are seeing what I allow them to see, they are seeing a fake me.

But I have a place now where I can show all of me, where I am encouraged to show all of me. I can be the functioning adult and the wounded child. In fact this is expected Which is wonderful, but it isn't the same.

I want my my mother to be able to enjoy me. I want her to be able to hold me and tell me that it is all going to be okay. I want her to support me. I want to be able to go to her when I have a bad day.

I feel like I am grieving the mother I never had



((((cheli))))

this hits very close to home. i can relate to nearly everything you wrote.

i was told i was meant to bring joy when i was born, also. instead i've done the opposite. your last sentence is very much where i'm at right now. i'm not ready to let go yet - people look at me baffled when i say that no i'm not on waiting lists to get away yet.

i don't have anything wise to say. i'm sorry for the pain you're in. i hope it helps to write it out. i hope you can validate yourself this way.

thinking of you.
I can feel your frustration and pain. My own mother was an abusive incubator so I don't know what it is to want comfort or acceptance from her. I do know what it's like to have to pretend everything is alright so people will like me. Kind of like invalidating yourself. I hope you can find a way to allow others to see the real, beautiful you!

Much Love! :hug: :hug: :hug:
Oh my heart aches for you cuz I could have written almost word for word what you wrote. I know that kind of pain. Our mother's even if they were told and given proof would never confess to the damage they caused us. They will never see that they invalidated us in order to validate themselves.

My mother is being the 'good' mother now yet I know that she is only posing cuz she is now truly alone now that my dad is gone and she has no friends. My sister may spend approximately 72 hours a YEAR with her so that leaves me.

It is sad that your mother cannot appreciate the wonderful woman you truly are in spite of her abuses. There is no joy in having mothers who love themselves more than anyone else and give nothing to healthy relationships.

Chelirach, You know that I mirror you in many ways like my need to be good at everything and liked by everyone and making everyone happy at all times is the reason that I had a breakdown by imploding and it is a factor in my failing health. I am hoping in the career you have chosen you will ensure what happened to me does not happen to you.

I am sorry for your pain and sorrow. I am thinking of you.

Take good care of you. Blessings as always
Dear Chelirach,

It feels as though you have just written my story. For almost all of my life, every thought I had and everything I did was only so that my mother would notice me in a good way or so that she would tell me how proud she was of me.

It is only recently I have come to realize and accept how much our roles have been reversed, how much I have always been the mother and how uncaring and self-centered she has always been.

Your second to last paragraph was my mantra for almost all of my life.

Your last sentence is what I am doing now... A month ago, I finally freed myself from the Ugly ball and chains that I have carried all my life...my mother... The Angel...NOT!!!

It happened unexpectedly and I am in mourning of losing her (figuratively )but oh what joy to have my own life in my hands.

Be blessed with finding the motherly love that you seek and don't be surprised if it does not come from where you expect it ;)

Many say, a mother's embrace cannot be replaced... When you find unconditional love...this will replace any love that is absent from our lives... Unconditional love is offered by a child and is given to us when we learn to love ourselves in all that we are, warts and all. :D

From a mother, whose arms are always open (((HUGS)))
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Untangling-It-All
Jun 08 2012 01:22 PM
I am sorry for how painful this is. I am listening.
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Untangling-It-All
Jun 08 2012 05:55 PM
I was thinking, you can tell your mother, or ask her, "don't you have anything positive to tell me about me?!" I am just thinking you would be completely in your right to point out to her, and even to get angry with her, for always being so negative. Or, "how would YOU feel mom, if your mother only pointed out all the negatives of your childhood and nothing nice?"

I am sorry, it is just making me angry. I am always telling my kids about all the great things they did when they were babies or toddlers, and when they are grown up I will only have positive stories for them, or maybe stories of when I worried over them, but not about anything that would make them feel badly about themselves. No child, adult or not, should be constantly told about how they did not live up to their parents' expectations. You don't deserve that. It's hugely unfair and wrong, and terribly hurtful.
Wow Chelirach, I could have pretty much written your blog about MY life. My mother is very similar to yours. My whole life, she hasn't been willing/able to hear anything negative about my life or my sister's lives. (My mother is a Pisces) This year when I told her about the sexual sbuse I went remembered, she refused for the most part to hear about it, and just dismissed my claims. She doesn't want to ever hear anything ugly or sordid, regardless of how keeping it inside hurts me.

Like you, I've been told I'm too sensitive when I reach out for love. I spent most of my childhood telling myself what a great mother she was, trying to convince myself. Like your mother, mine only wants to hear what a great mother she was. She doesn't want to hear how she neglected me and my sisters, how she found out we were being raped when we were little more than babies but did nothing, because that would mean she'd have to acknowledge her own uselessness as a mother for not protecting us.

And also like you, my family expects me to the happy one, to entertain everyone. No one wants to see the unhappy side of me, the broken little girl inside me that still hasn't had anyone defend or protect her. When she comes out everyone leaves, they're not interested in that. So most of the time I smile, and let them live in their false world.

I understand what you're going through Chelirach. Sometimes I mourn the life I could have had, the family I could have had if things had been different. I hope things get better for you soon. Sending you hugs if okay :hug:
pink I am sorry it hits so close. It does help to write it out, and get the validation from others

Susan, thank you, I think that is the problem I am continually invalidating myself thinking that will make people like me. Which makes me feel unliked.

Bella, I am sorry you relate as well, thank you for your words

Marlene, thank you I am sorry this has also been your experience, I am so glad that you have been able to gee yourself.

Untangling, thank you, I have tried those tactics and she tells me I am being to sensitive or I should just go talk to my therapist about it. I do what you do, I tell my kids the things they did as babies, all the good cute wonderful things.

Irishleo I am sorry this has been your experience as well. It is so hard and frustrating. Thank you

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